Sunday, March 18, 2018

An Update - Bullet points on my life

  • I am going to write some thing today. I am not going to wait for the zone or to be charged up by something. Not going to take a specific thing and write about it. Nope. Nothing like that. I am going to write simply because I want to write. 
  • Last Novemeber I took a decision. Something happened as usual so I deferred my decision.Put it off for feb 2018, then thought March 2018, Now have postponed it again for April 2018. And it is affecting me. People think not quitting is some kind of a strength. But when you want to quit and you cant quit , then is it not a weakness? If we keep enduring something because we are afraid to take a chance, would it translate to not going for what you want to do? Am I using being practical to stopping me from listening to my heart?
  • I should read the Alchemist again.
  • To keep me self motivated, I have been trying a lot of things. Right now I am into gardening. While I did have a small garden, I have slowly expanded. The beautiful brinjal and tomato flowers piqued my interest and I just started sowing random things inside the mud. And I feel enriched , because now I know how a pea plant looks like, a carrot plant, a potato plant, how methi comes, the groudnut plant first leafs are sooooo big. I dont care if I don't get a good harvest. If I get even one ground nut I am happy. I already got 2 potatoes. And my gardening skills have grown. I feel blessed to be able to do that. I can write about my gardening and my plants and the names I have kept for them. but not in this post.
  • Last year, I have been happy with the work I have done at office, However my family life has sucked a bit. My son is just growing. I am tired most of the time and sometimes I am strict. He is growing.He is learning. People think mothers are this , mothers are that. But I get tired sometimes and he puts up with me too. I must remember this. Sometimes I wonder if I am consciously taking me seriously. Twenty years hence, I don't want to tell him and everyone else who will hear me how much I have sacrificed for him. But I would like to make memories. Lots of them. He is a good boy so I guess, we must be doing something right.
  • As you probably know, I have started the 101 things again. I need to take a print and put it in my noticeboard just so that I don't forget. Maybe I will tackle two things this week.
  • And I have also decided to have an honarary 102 thing for my list dedicated to someone special. Dedicated to you AV, whose friendship has endured when many others have faded over the years. Who inspires me to write. Maybe it will just be bullet points, Maybe I will finally write once again.

Monday, March 5, 2018

101 things to do in 1001 days - 2

Around six and a half years ago, I had stumbled across the idea of doing the 101 things in 1001 days in Marcy's blog. I was inspired and started my own. I did not actually finish the whole thing as one of the goals was to have a baby and while I did accomplish that, I realized I had underestimated the time and energy that went into the whole thing. Still, I loved the challenge. It gave me closure in many ways.

My boy is nearly 5 now, and I think I am ready for the second round. However, this time I think I will be prudent and have simpler and easier goals. I have learned not to try to establish habits through this projects. That would be a separate project in itself. But my focus for the project would be health and I have come up with a slight deviation in the  form of having half of the items repetitive concentrating on health. So my present list below will have 51 different things and the 10 things I will be doing 5 times each.

Start date : 02/03/2018
End date:  27/11/2020

In progress
Not started 

01)  Finish the list with the repetitive goals in a glass jar. Done 03/03/2018
02)  Get an Instagram account. Done 04/03/2018

03)  Convert my wrap around to a house frock.
04)  Go to the Gurgaon Walkers alone. Done 03/03/2018
05)  Go on a vacation alone ( or with Aman).
06)  Try to grow cucumbers
07)  Fast for a day the Roza way.
08)  Get prints of MTech photos in a book form.
09)  Visit Khajuraho.
10)  Go bowling.
11)  Go to a waterpark.
12)  Try to learn swimming.
13)  Go for a Zumba class.
14)  Participate in a half marathon (5k).
15)  Bake cupcakes.
16)  Bake butter biscuits.
17)  Weigh 65 kilos.
18)  Write a poem.
19)  Write a story.
20)  Send a handwritten letter to a friend.
21)  Find a long lost friend.
22)  Start a recurring deposit.
23)  Visit Andaman and Nicobar or Lakshadeep.
24)  Visit any one north east state.
25)  Do 27 rounds of Suryanamaskar in one go.
26)  Gift hubby a class he may be interested in.
27)  Gift hubby a coupon book for pass on his chores.
28)  Decorate the notice board and add prayers and poems.
29)  Convert the scarfs hanger to Quotes hanger.
30)  Donate 5 toys that Aman doesn't play with.(Take pics though).
31)  Make a day to day story book with Aman as central character.
32)  Make something special for B. didi and R. Bhaiyya.
33)  Go Spa ing.
34)  Read 1 book each recommended by Hummee, Arathi, Mahima, Sabi, Aravind.
35)  Teach Aman 10 tamil sentences to understand if not speak (albeit short)
36)  Digitize and reproduce childhood photos.
37)  Make a piggy bank.
38)  Use 10 new ingredients in dishes.
39)  Make 2 dishes each recommended by Anuradha, Shubha valyamma, Fathima, Jameela, Naini
40)  Plan a 3 day trip to a nearby getaway.
41)  Wear Saree to someplace.
42)  Go for a Program by Sivananda Yoga.
43)  Get the dental appointment done.
44)  Do 10 random acts of kindness.
45)  Finalize the plan for the house.
46)  Curl hair (temp).
47)  Go to a comic con.
48)  Go for a play/standup comedy.
49)  Do 10 pushups.
50)  Make homemade pizza.
51)  Plant a time capsule in MIL's house.

10 things repeated 5 times each. (* week implies the 5 working days unless specified otherwise)

52)  to 56)  No coffee week
52) 53) 54) 55) 56)

57)  to 61)  Go for a 30 minute walk after dinner for a week
57) 58) 59) 60) 61)

62)  to 66)  Get up at 6:00 and go for a 30 minute walk everyday for a week
62) 63) 64) 65) 66)

67) to 71)   Eat dinner before 7:30 for a week.
67) 68) 69) 70) 71)

72) to 76)  Jog 5 min everyday for a week
72) 73) 74) 75) 76)

77) to 81)  No butter no ghee , little oil for a week.
 77) 78) 79) 80) 81)

82) to 86)  Do 3 rounds lsp everyday for a week.
82) 83) 84) 85) 86)

87) to 91)  No outside food for a week (7 days)
87) 88) 89) 90) 91)

92) to 96)  Pure vegetarian for a week (7 days)
92) 93)Done 11/03/2018 94) 95) 96)

97) to 101) Drink honey lemon for a week (7 days)
97) 98) 99) 100) 101)

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Random thoughts

-I hope atleast today I  am able to post something as Aman is watching video, I don't have much house work and hubby is late from office.So maybe , just maybe, I may be able to put down some thoughts after all. I thought I will write under the title "De-cluttering thoughts" but somehow , what I want to say is not for the De-cluttering process. Its more scrap book material. So changed the title.

-Aman has started asking questions about deaths . It was inevitable seeing someone very close to him passed away this May. He suddenly asked me where did batman's parents go?. I replied that a bad uncle killed them. I decided to tell the truth rather than lie. He asked me where and when. I replied dutifully. He asked me if they were in the hospital. I told they they had become "pari" or angels. He said " pari tho meri achchi friend hain. Woh tho babitha didi ke yahan hoti hain"
and thankfully the conversation ended there when he decided he would rather see youtube videos than ponder over the mysteries of life and death.

- It is my greatest fear that I or hubby or both will die and leave Aman an orphan. I think children deserve love from their parents. I think its their birthright. Please ya Allah , bless us that we are always able to be there for Aman atleast until he becomes a man and finds someone who loves him even more than we do.

- I have realized the value of our life depends so much on how much people love us. When I was a kid, the thought of my death did not scare me much. It did not even occur to me. However I was crazily afraid of my parents dying or leaving me. My life had no value for me. When I was around 15, one of elder sister's classmate died and she told of how his parents were devastated. I didn't want my parents to go through that hurt and my life began to have some value. I got married and initially I thought even if I leave the earth my husband would definitely find love again, but as the years passed , I realized that there was no one who could see him the way I did and if I left, a part of him would die too. The value of my life increased a bit more. Now I have a son and I pray to god to keep both me and hubby safe as our life has been even more valuable. And I have realized the ultimate truth. Our life is only as valuable as the love we are capable to feel and share.

-I think my present company has finally thought me how to have work life balance. I always pride myself that I am good in planning and am quite efficient in my work. I made sure through my capabilities to always finish my work in time and leave for home. Ofcourse, when project submissions were there, it was different. However, recently, I was beginning to feel that all that I prided may infact be the the road to my down fall. I was somehow always pushed aside when good projects came. (All work is good ofcourse ,I mean prestigious ones.) I understood that ultimately, it seems, a good resource is only one who stays late. It does not matter if I finish my work in time. I should be a good team player and take more work and stay late. So you see, it does not matter at all. All this efficiency talk seems to be on paper. Perceptions are hard to fight and I am beginning to feel bogged down. It bothered me for a while but then I did something. I just changed the definition of my success. I decided for me having a good life was success. For me , coming home to my son a the right time was success. So I have decided to let go of my perceived office snubs. Projects will come if they have to come. And I am happier for it.

- I guess that's enough thoughts for today. I feel like writing but I have no thoughts left. Hubby just reached . Perfect.


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Letters to my Diary 27.07.2017

Dear Diary,
I am feeling very disturbed today. I think its because there is a small warning in my sub conscious mind. Today the guy who owns our neighborhood house was sitting outside. They are renovating that house. It was he who ordered his servant to cut of our electricity. Apparently he is going to move in now. To have such criminal people near us is not a happy prospective to me. We don''t have any kind of words with this man or anyone remotely connected to him. However, i cannot keep the extreme anger I feel away from my face. They are bullies and they like it when people are afraid of them. I don't like living like that. He may not do anything but he was looking at me when I went and came back from calling Aman. And he sits right outside our house so its difficult not to look at him. And somewhere I am worried.

We have extended our house agreement for one more year. The house is really good and I am extremely happy with it. Really there seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with it now. The lack of storage space has infact helped my reduce stuff and I feel so relieved. I just remove stuff as much as possible. Its not that we have become minimilistic. However, things are reducing. I can see. So much more to do. But the habit is slowly being established. I did buy 3 dresses but they were more for specific purposes and I hope to continue the trend for not buying dresses this year unless extremely required.Hubby is getting on board too. Need to bring Aman in too.

Office is going on. I am not sure how so wont comment on it. Anyhow there is enough doom in the beginning of the letter to put in more.

My garden is flourishing. My rose plants are going down because of some invisible insect eating the leave. I really tried hard to find that insect, but simply not able to see it. My lady's finger are good. Got around 10 of them and made curry twice. Really happy.

MashaAllah, there are enough plants now for me to truly happy.


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Definition of a father

Today Aman wanted to see a Panda movie again.
"Which Panda movie?" asks his Achchi.

"The one with Panda's Achchi." Aman answers.
"Which one?" His Achchi asks again feeling sorry for the goose and starting to put Kung fu Panda 3. Amma thinks of the 50 panda faces she is going to see again.

"You know the one in which the panda's achchi gives him a noddle trolley and the panda climbs a lot of stairs with it and the door shuts and he is left outside.... that one"

Aman's Achchi grins happily.

And Aman's Amma  wonders.
The four year old knows the true definition of a father;
the elders have doubted foolishly.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

The stranger in the mirror.

Today a friend from the past called. Just calling her a friend from the past isn't justice to her, She was practically the love of my life for some time and we still are in touch. We talk quite rarely, once a year or so but every time we talk, we TALK.

We talked about our hobbies and she asked me, What about you Rahmath do you find time to paint now? I was taken back for a moment because its been a long time since that aspect had left my life.
And I wondered...

and she asked me ...did I find time to read? and I said sometimes..... and I thought thanks god at least THAT, I have not changed. But thinking a bit more, a nagging doubt comes; is it because my husband is also a voracious reader?

I remembered a gift I got around two years ago when another very close friend of mine came for a visit. She gifted me a book of poems. I was surprised. Very. Why? I wondered to myself. She said giving it. "You used to write so many poems so I thought you would enjoy this."

That time too I wondered...

I had recently gone shopping to buy dress for my brother in law's engagement. Every time I buy a dress for a function, my in law's hypothetical opinion, keeps looming on top of my head. Invariably I always end by buying what I think or hope they would like, rather than something I would actually choose. While I would be complimented, I would always feel as if it was someone else wearing the dress and not actually me.

This time however, by luck, by chance, I could go out with my sister. We selected a pastel green with embroidery and I wore it for her to see. And she loved it. She said it was so me. And I bought it. I doubt I would have bought it otherwise, it may not have got through the filter of my diffidence. It was exactly the type of dress, the color I used to wear when I was just me. Soft, Subtle, Elegant.

Isn't the change so subtle that we don't even realize when it happened? And then suddenly you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.

I saw the amazon advert today on #mombeagirlagain. I wonder... is it being a mother which changed you ? or did the change begin even before that...

Friday, May 5, 2017

Letters to my Diary 05.05.2017

Dear Diary,
Its 10:50 pm. I need to sleep. I have to get up at 5:30 to go to Yoga. I have so much to tell. I have so much to de-clutter. I wish... I wish I had a pensive. I wish I had  a wand and the incantation. I wish I knew magic. I wish I was taught to clear my mind. I guess I do. My wand is my laptop, My incantation are my written words, and you my dear diary are my pensive.

This week was not a good one. I hated Tuesday. I hate that tuesday because we heard that soumya - babitha didi's daughter had passed away in an accident. I hate that Tuesday. It was an irony, that didi who gave a mother's love to so many children was stolen of her daughter. Sometimes, you dont understand why waste a life. You can never understand why god does what he does. It makes absolutely no sense. I am sure there is a reason....  She was a person with so much life. She was an epitome of life. An example of the wonders a strong and happy family can do to a child now a woman now angel. No mother can go past this. She can pretend to move on. I hope she learns to pretend. I wonder if she will start day caring once again. I wonder if she will have the strength to do so.

Atha and amma came on saturday night. Aman has been coming to home after school now. It was fortunate that they were there. And Aman and his grandparents are having a good time. That is a good news.

This week Aman had a play date. He went to the park with his new found friends in the opposite house. hubby took him and went. I was late that day and reached after an hour and a half, for bringing them back from the park- both hubby and him. Aman found a lost dart and showed it excitedly to me. I told him to put it back where he got it as the person who lost it would come searching for it. He didnot want to. His friend( same age) wanted to see the dart and aman shared it with him on my saying and the child took it as his. After that Aman didnot get it. Suddenly the child came running with aman running in front of him.Aman had taken the dart from the child and went and put it down. As the child was crying and Aman has forcibily taken , I gave the dart to the boy and told him the same thing, to keep it back. But he didnot. And he was enjoying the dart Aman had found and given up because I told him to. I know the happiness a child gets when he finds something special. And I took that happiness from him. Aman was soooo sad but he didnot throw a tantrum like his friend. His face fell and he hugged me tight. And I got confused. I thought I did the right thing in teaching Aman not to take things which didt not belong to him. But it was a treasure for him. I did right didnt I ? I think I did but I felt soooo bad. I took him away and searched for another treasure - a fallen champa flower.
I am so proud of my son. and I think I will have to go through so many heart breaks.

I think the reason a mother's heart pains so easily is that it is always raw. Every time her baby hurts, she hurts too... even at imagined slights. I think her heart is always raw and hence everything hurts her so much.

Didi ... Didi... God will give you strength. He has to. That much he owes you.