Sunday, July 8, 2018

Letters to my diary 08/07/2018

Dear Diary,

It's been three weekends since we came back now. It feels like vacations become shorter when they are longer. Its only now that we feel a semblance of normality. Closed house for almost a month has a lot of work in it. Then there was BIL's wedding reception here in Delhi, Then hubby had a tough week and then .....well this weekend. It was good.

We played scrabble today. I and hubby. We had taken it outside the box when one of my colleague had come visiting. I and hubby used to play a lot; we have other board games too. So today morning we both played once again. We did not finish the game but I won. I am pretty sure if we had gone a few more rounds, hubby would have won. He is good compared to me.

I realized my spelling had gone to the drain. It's because of this auto correct everywhere. And seriously who needs to memorize things when you have google. I wonder if our memory power is diminishing. Everything needs exercise. Remembering things is exercise for the brain and we are destroying it.

On Friday I went to hubby's office area for lunch. As you know our office complexes are quite nearby, say 5 minutes walk separated by a busy road. There's a new footbridge now but I never take it. I always cross the road. But that day I thought 'why not'. I have the time. So I stepped on the escalator and started my ascend. It must have been the slowest escalator possible but it gave me time to relax. I studied the plants in the side and actually waited until I reached. It was refreshing for me. Usually I have hundred and ten things running through my mind. I think the vacation did refresh me. I was less wound up. Then I crossed the footbridge , studied the handrail system provided ( I was designing a footbridge after all) and then began my descend. And my descend was equally slow. 

So slow that I again had the time to contemplate.

You know how there are n number of thing for the health and safety of the employees, activities to increase their enjoyment,help to deal with mental stress and what not. I wondered if we should have an exercise in which people go into rooms in sessions. say 10 to 20 people. They hand over their phones ; sit on the ground in the most relaxed position possible; back on the wall. And they simply sit for 10-15 minutes. No talking; no nothing. I say 10 -15 min because I have understood that it takes some time to calm your mind down. When we are in office we are thinking of submission, solving issues, work to be done, things and people to be managed.... we are thinking thinking and thinking all the time. It takes sometime to kind of think it out. When you realize you cannot just start working on your thoughts, I guess our mind would then start to wander........ How long has it been since our thoughts just wandered? And then we get sometime to calmly transcend from this state to going back to work. I think this unorganized 'meditation' would work and I thought of all these things while coming down the escalator. Wonderful isn't it?

Aman was the only boy invited to two of his friends' birthday. But after the second party he asked 'why am I the only boy in the party'. I was afraid of this question. I was wondering if he would feel weird about it. However I said maybe its because he plays with both boys and girls equally and he is sensitive and sweet. He was not convinced as he said his friend A..... was also friends with everybody and he couldn't understand why only he was invited. I said I would ask!!!!!

Well it has been a long enought letter. I must remember to call my school/college friends this week. I wanted to meet them in the vacation but in its own weird way, this vacation was hectic as well. We went to Bangalore by the way . That was a nice experience . I will write about it later. Sis send videos of mooma's house also. I will write about it later too. I wish I could share those videos.  I could share some of the most pleasant memories of my childhood.

Well with one last thing, I will stop the letter. Today I saw something new in youtube. Videos of how women got dressed in the Victorian era. Remember how I always thought those dresses were beautiful and I would love to wear gowns. Well no more. Sorry, if it taken this much freaking effort, I would rather be in my kurti and legging. I no longer envy that era. But it did look beautiful and I enjoy those period serials. I am sure they had their cons but they sure were in some ways simpler times.


PS. I would love to have a pen friend you know. Especially with some one quite older than me. Emails don't have that charm.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

5 Random Things

Well, not so much.

- Missing writing very much. But writing is like any other exercise. If we do not practice it the brain cells don't cooperate when we want to write and the quality of writing diminishes. But I am not sure if its the writing that I miss or the comradeship it bought me. Replies to the mails, gave me a glimpse of  their lives. Its amazing how life becomes hectic and how easy it is to lose touch. We may say, our relationship is such that we need to talk only once a year. It may be true but two sentences to such special people and a reply from them is more than enough to make a day special. I have changed the setting of the blogger. I am not sure if it works but you know who you are are, and this is my attempt to be in contact with you a bit more than we are right now. Please let me know if the settings work.
(AV and AJ, you are deliberately not in the mailing list for I know you have subscribed. But let me know if you would prefer me to add you as well.)

- "Please let me know...." Looks like years of corporate letters have completely cramped my style. When was the last time you write a personal email????

- Presently in Trivandrum. As the cook chechi likes to see her serials, I invariably end up seeing them too. Its wonderful how the serials condone the bad behavior of people towards the daughter in law. There is an evil mother in law  and she behaves extremely badly to the DIL and the DIL accepts everything because its our culture (?) and of course the hero has no spine.I think these serials do more injustice to the men than the women. No wonder I stopped seeing these serials. I think I prefer the mythological serials like Mahabharata and  Om Namah Shiva. No freaking way Parvati is going to take that nonsense and I haven't seen such MILs as well in them.

- So I am seeing the serial "Karuthamuthu" which means black pearl which signifies a heroine who has a dark complexion. The starter of the serial shows a man with a small girl smiling. Now I have been seeing this serial for almost 2 weeks and I have not seen anybody who is that dark or that man. I guess the story line must have gone completely tangential. I may even google soon. I am sure somebody somewhere in this vast internet universe would have some knowledge of the same.

-  Bereft of thoughts.....


Monday, June 11, 2018

We like something when it reaffirms our base thoughts more than when we learn something new from it.

Monday, May 28, 2018

Letters to my diary 28.05.2018

Dear Diary,

Do you know this is the first time that I am writing in wordpad. The internet here is a bit slow, and hubby is already doing office work so I don’t have enough bandwidth. Yes, we are in Trivandrum now;in his childhood house. What a good thing I closed off my work.

I and hubby have got up and for the first time after so so soooooo many days I had no idea what to do. As it is the day after the wedding, every body is in a rest mode. Aman is still sleeping. But then his time has not come. In holidays we allow him to sleep till late …until he wakes up on his own.
I guess I will have to make a list of what all to do. 

I am wound up. And what a good decision it was to buy my own dresses. And wear what I wanted to wear. I did not hear as many comments this time as the last. I heard only one comment, still I got minor irritated. I really need to make a list and be prepared. I feel just being aware is enough to reduce a lot of reactions. If I know this is going to happen and this is how I will react …. Well,  we become slightly more zen no?

What a good thing it was that my dress sleeves were stitched improperly. I went back and gave it to another boutique and I had to wear it and show and they found that it was too tight so they made it a bit more comfortable. Thankgod. Else I wouldn’t have survived. Always Always wear the dress before a tailor master ( a good tailor master) and do the alterations. Just like you know bridge design and assessment, they know their trade. So always show them. Seriously, the wedding day would have become a disaster other wise, as far as I was considered.

But this time I couldn’t actually talk to everyone. Aman was a bit demanding and the function was pretty long and the dress was freaking heavy. Ah, the price one pays. But I am happy about my sister in law, she really was the daughter in law of the day. And I am proud of her. Somewhere there is a bit of sadness, If I was in Trivandrum I would know all of them better. Now I feel a bit like a odd boat about. However, that’s fine. It’s the life I chose. The decision has given me lots of other experiences.
And hopefully so many other experiences to come.

Yesterday when we were coming back after the wedding from Aluva to Trivandrum I suddenly felt old. Till then there was always a boy in hubby’s house. Now even that boy is married. And I felt a shift. Are we starting middle age? not by age per say but by experience. I and hubby identify more with Achchan and amma now compared to the children. I have to stop calling them children. Both are married. Now one of them (with his wife) has responsibly arranged the wedding preparations. This would have been my life if hubby had agreed to start a consultancy here. Maybe Gurgaon was better for me that’s why Allah helped my husband decide there. No; I know Gurgaon was better for me.
I will stop for now. There may be many more letters like this. Thank god, I can start hearing the voices in my head again albeit they are a bit jumbled. 

Lots of love

Friday, May 11, 2018

Letters to my Diary 11/05/2018

Dear Diary,

I wanted to write to you today. My long vacations are coming nearer and I am feeling a bit relieved. Last year in office has been filled with tension for me. I can feel the stress built up in my heart. So I am glad. This year somehow I have got an opportunity. It may have a cost and I am willing to pay it.
They think its wonderful to be us. That we are far away from the perceived burden. But isn't it a case of grass being greener? Do they understand if they have one type of stress we have others. Do they understand while they be sapped of strength of one kind, we lack the strength of another?

Every place, every situation has a high and low and people who realize that, can find peace wherever they are. Atleast one kind of peace.

I am glad of my upcoming vacation. I am glad that I need to see Aman's sad face going to daycare during his holidays only for a week. I am glad my son need suffer disappointment only some days. I am glad I will be able to take care of hubby when he comes home. I am glad I will be able to spend time with my father and mother. I am glad for all the happiness of the kind I am due. I am willing to pay the price.

I am glad that I will be relieved of the mental stress of this kind.

Black Panther is going on. Aman asked to put it. But he and hubby have disappeared to the other room and I am watching it. The scene in which Killmonger sees the Wakandan sunset is going on. The tune is very Indian. Very AR Rahman types.

"Death is better than Bondage" Killmonger says.

The perception that heroes make a movie excel has disappeared from my mind. A good movie has a great villain. And a soundtrack to match. The movie nowadays donot have black and white heroes and villains. There is only grey.

"I think I know a way you can still fulfill your calling"
There is always a way to fulfill your calling. In a way this office is giving me an opportunity to fulfill my calling. That's the only thing keeping me here.

Sometimes I think I should make a quotes library of all the quotes which has touched me. Quotes from Gandhi , Quotes from Lincoln ( I just realized that "l" was silent in Lincoln's name). But you know there are quotes from movies, from songs, from even soaps, which had influenced me.

"You think the people who are people
Are people who look like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You will find things you never knew , you never knew"

"you only fear that which you are ignorant about"
- by the Best friend who later marries the herione in that Devyani's tamil serial (googled it  : "kolangal")

Lincoln, Lincoln....
I couldn't go and see Abraham Lincoln's statue.  I wanted to see the museums better. America calls me. Maybe there are other places to go.

I am very glad about taking the decision to go to atleast one place every year. Ajanta and Ellora was an experience. So was Khajuraho. Exquisite. 

Has become a long enough letter.Thanks for listening...
Yours for always

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Decluttering thoughts

It has been a long time since I did this and I am really due for one now. I had decided that I would be using my purple book for personal feelings but I am going to make an exception this time.

- Do you know why I am not able to blog? I don't have any peaceful time. Somebody is always talking or TV is always on. The only time I can get is when I wake up way early. And thats not going to happen. Anyhow with the sound from "Octonouts" in one side and "The mentalist" from the other I am venturing out to write.

- Long time ago I had sent my blogs to certain people. I think i should do it again. Because they used to respond and I was in touch like that. Maybe I should start again. I don't want to  encroach on them though.hmmmm....

- Today I realized a material thing can give me immense pleasure. I was mighty pissed at something in office. Really really so. Not angry, not sad , just plain irritated. However, I had ordered an extra monitor to reduce my paper waste ( I realized my paper waste was because I took a lot of prints for comparison purposes.). And I got one within 4 hours. I was happy. It made my work so much easier. And for the first time in n years, I was happy being the possessor of a material thing. Ofcourse the fact that I did not pay and did not worry about carrying it around with each house, was an added bonus. I was so happy. Still am. It kinda completely changed my day. Amazed. Here's pic for you.

My extra 24inch monitor in office.I hope posting this is not a problem.
-  I conquered one of my fears this year. Actually 3 of them. Unfortunately, I can talk about one but not the other two but I will say I am utmost thankful to God to give me the opportunity for the same. It is good to do new things in life.

- This Sunday, I went shopping. I was a bit blah after binge watching three seasons of "Just add magic" so I dressed up. I wore my new frock , and nude heels and makeup and went to Spencers. 
And  I experienced the difference in the way people treated me. It was weird. Its funny how people treat you with more respect when you dress  up, especially in modern clothes. While I flaunted it, I returned to my usual attire the next day in office.Sad truth; the former not the latter.

- There are two life principles I have. 1) "Never take decisions when I am angry or never stick to decisions when taken in that state if its not sensible." 2) "Never regret any decision I have taken. Whatever was done was the best decision at that circumstance." I have lived by these two for more than 15 years even though I have come close to breaking them at instances. Today I will add one more. "Never talk about any unpleasant situation until its resolved (only exception is Hubby) " . I  thought I wont but still did. I realized talking only increases my frustration. More than the situation, its talking about it which disturbs me.

- What more thoughts are there to De-clutter? I thought there will be so many more. What a pity.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Becoming an Amma

A letter to Aman's Person (IGW)

When did I become a mother?
When I saw the parallel streaks?
When the sound of his racing heartbeat
Brought a smile in his father's cheeks?

Was it carrying him to his 10th month
Was it spending those restless nights
Was it changing my lifestyle completely
Giving up pleasures without any fights?

Was it when I braved that maternal pain,
And saw him for the first time - my dear son
Opening up,
Eyes closed,
Fists on his ears,
Starting his journey,
Giving his Salaams to the One.

He has grown a lot over these years
Your partner has now crossed four
I will tell you his stories some day
I know you would like to hear more.

But you know my dear Angel
I am still opening that door
I am still becoming a mother
Though, he is almost finishing four.

Meanwhile my dear Sweetheart,
I have realized a thing or two,
I don't love him for what he gives me,
It doesn't matter - a lot or few.
His actions seldom despair me
For I see his heart is true.
His presence is enough to lift me,
I taught him, but I also grew.
He's my son, love is all free
Wasn't it same for you too?
Yes, I know your darling mother,
Felt the same way that I do.
Now, I will surely come into your life
And you will surely come into mine.
Many may tell you- 'She's your mother'
You may be obliged to feel, 'that's fine'.
While you may give me that honour
This is a promise I make to you
When you will call me "Amma"
I will be earning that right too.