Saturday, December 7, 2019

5 Random thoughts

- Was going through my promotional inbox, (which i do once in a blue moon) and I saw "Konmarie Shop". I was amazed to see this online shop portal because I thought I had read the book and never till now have I got the impression that she would help bring clutter in. So I clicked in the link simply out of curiosity. This link had some very few (giving a sense of handpicked) items to enhance the clutter free environment of the house.There also was  a tab about rituals. Reminded me of rituals from home. Do we have rituals here now in Koodu?

- Have been finding extreme difficulty in expressing whats in my mind. Earlier writing a mail or article used to be a piece of cake. It's taking so much effort now I don't even write it. Some times I wonder, is it because I have to communicate so much in my job then once that's done, I don't want to communicate in any form at all. I am unable to write even my diary. Writing this blog itself is a desperate attempt to try to break that.

- I like seeing "the Middle" in Amazon Prime. I have seen the complete series atleast 3 times, but there is something very real about the series. I feel reassured by Francie Heck. She seems just like what I would be. Yesterday for the first time I thought it would be nice to have 3 children. But its too late now . I don't have the mental or physical capability to deal with more on my plate.

- I wish there was a place where I could simply talk to people. No strings attached. But just to talk you know. I don't want anyone asking me ASL and any other nonsense. When the internet first came, there used to be these chat rooms. Where people would come to find others with similar interests and then just like that you could have a conversation. Debates.... and so on. I wish I could find one of those again. Not twitter or facebook or commenting section of some article. But a proper one on one or partly closed group chat room.

-  I keep hearing references to my being a "Strong woman". Am I? I am just so afraid all the time of everyone, of everything. I am so tired. But I go on because  a long long time ago I heard this in a movie..... Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear......One of the most inspirational piece of advice I have heard.

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Just get through this ....

Just open the door.....

Let this flow.....

Start , its fine how it goes....

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Anne's house of dreams

Last month we went to the Delhi Book fair. We went on a weekend and it was far too crowded. There we bought Anne's house of dreams by L M Montgomery. I took it simply because that was the only book I got in that crowded book stall. I have previously read 2 to 3 of Anne Shirley books but I did not find myself sufficiently interested in them. Maybe the series Road to Avonlea was too fresh in my mind and  I found the book not true to the series. (Preposterous , I know). This time however, the years had erased the details of the series and I could read the book with a cleaner slate. And what a difference it made.

I loved the simplicity of the book so much that I actually posted about it face book. I loved to be a part of her dreams, her first home , her first experiences. I envied her conversations. I remembered a simpler time. They did not have phones or TV so they depended on the friendly neighbors for entertainment. I got so much pleasure from being a silent spectator of all the going on s in her house of dreams. My heart wept for her during her tragedy and sighed with her when she accepted the cardinal rule of a household, that when the husband stands strongly for something, its mostly the right thing. Like her I also took a year or two to know that.

Of course there was a element of romance tied in somewhere but I wont spoil the book for you by telling about it. If you want to slip into a simpler time where poor health was the greatest villain and gossip from the neighborhood spinster the greatest entertainment, I recommend the book wholeheartedly to you.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Letters to my diary 11/09/2019

Dear Anu,
I dedicate this blog to you....

I think there are not many who read my blog anymore. My own fault, my content is bland, sporadic and my engagement is zero. However I know there are two who take the precious time out to check this humble abode of my thoughts. I just realize, both have names starting with A.

September has come. around 3/4 th of the year done and I wonder where it has gone. I started the new job. Did I say? However both the A's know. I have completed 5 months. Learning new things, experiencing new things, coming out of my comfort zone.I like meeting people. Going to dinners though is something I wouldn't do. However thanks to my position now, I did go out with the team who came from Norway. I booked a dinner, something I have never done before. Wanted to reach there in time, wondered if it was ok to refuse alcohol( it was. I have faced more judgment here for being non alcoholic) , Talked a lot, Ate sushi for the first time thanks to the encouragement of my colleague from Norway. realized I need to brush up my politics, history and general IQ. I had deliberately removed myself from that world. My world was so small, with people who talked the same things I did.

Well, let me try this cap for some years too....

Sometimes I think there are only two possible scenarios for me when I am in the fifties if I am alive and nothing drastic has happened. Either I will be in a top position in my field or I will be in some yoga ashram, calmly living my life. 20 more years to know

Today is Onam, we no longer have sadyas, because we are so f****** busy and sometimes i wonder, why are we doing what we are doing. But we continue to do it. We continue to live this life. We have not even considered about our future. We have nothing to show for it. We might as well be machines.

The moment I come back home, I start worrying about my sons homework and his school work. He hates to study ,read or write. I thought I sent him to a school which  believed that children will learn when they learn. Not;apparently. But comparatively they do ask for very less. My entire joy on being a mother has somehow reduced. I feel as if I am delivering 5 projects 9-6 and then another project from 7- 10. My poor baby, its just for some time, Once you begin to read it should be ok. Because that's how awesome you are. You have always done everything in the right time.

so, My hubby bought for me non alcoholic beer. I asked him to buy. I wanted to see what the fuss is all about. Why people apparently don't consider a party a party unless it is there. So my hubby bought a non alcoholic one because he knew when it came that to that i wouldn't break my abstinence.And I am so glad. Because beer tastes like so horrible,I asked him if it tasted like s*** (for me) because it was non alcoholic. He said no, it tastes quite similar and he never liked it too. Thankgod, I did not break my abstinence for something whose taste I need to "acquire". What a waste it would have been.

This is something which I wouldn't have been even thinking 5 years ago. My life is filled with new experiences, new perspectives, different perspectives, Isn't that nice?

I like meeting people who are not Indians. They remind me of my country, They help me see that which I have become blind to. They come from such different circumstances. but I am reminded of the similarities.

I think I will be learning to use chopsticks. The Danes and the Norwegians use them. Quite comfortably.  How amazing that is. How does the culture travel so much. I ate the shushi with my fingers. I was unapologetic. My colleagues didn't care. If they did, they were too cultured to show. I am glad I am working with them. Norwegians, Mette...... The first time I heard about Norway was when she commented on my blog. Then I saw hers..... We commented on each others blogs. She was very kind. And through her photographs I saw Norway. The first Scandinavian country for me. And now I am the lead for the Norway team for my field in India. There is a high possibility I might even go there.

I am always always amazed by the way things connect.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

5 Random thoughts

Its becoming harder and harder to write. Thoughts , ideas swirl in my brain. But they don't form sentences. Today I asked Aman to take a number for me so that I will force myslef to write that many thoughts. The number 5 came. 5 random thoughts.

Saw the movie Lucifer last week with the inlaws. Was impressed with Prithviraj's direction. Its always nice to see multi talent. The movie has style. There were so many things I liked about the movie. I was impressed with Viviek Oberai 's capability to stand and be equal to Mohanlal. He didnt feel diminished. Good villians make good hero. I liked the scene in which Stephan walks to the hall. It was very inspiring. I felt sad I no longer felt that for any one The devotion. There seems to be nobody you can follow anymore. So in fiction it felt good to see. I like the way the young politician introduced his girlfriend and admits very openly that while not married she is his life partner in every sense. It was an indication of the change that is coming to my country. An acceptance of the live in relationship and nothing to be judged for. I liked the reaction that Manju's character had when her daughter expressed the truth of her husband. Denial - thats the true response. That was very realistic and true. And then acceptance. This movie touched many aspects which felt fresh. I enjoyed it. Will I see it again , Maybe not. but yes I will enjoy watching  some scenes again.

Hearing "No matter what" Calum Scott non stop. what a bueatiful song. Its about comming out adn acceptance. For me its about super parenting goals. He is lucky if he has parents who love him "No matter what". I am happy to live in this world in this time. There may be negative stories where we are degrading, where we are going backwards, but I am happy to live in a time where other stories are being told  and acceptance is given its due importance.

I heard "Shine bright like a diaomond as well. I liked Calum Scott's version the best.

I have no more thoughts to share.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

5 random thoughts

- I have 5 plants in my room.
- I used to collect smooth pebbles and shells when I was around 8. I shared my pebble collection with someone I hoped would be my friend. her mom threw it away saying it was just pebbles. I still sometimes search for a most special pebble.
-I got a ring shaped shell once. I was holding it in my hand because I didn't have any pockets. It fell down and got lost.
-My son braved the waves to get me a sea shell. His father held him while he cupped him hand over a seashell to prevent the waves from taking it away. The waves almost reached his bent face. But he persisted and then gave it to me.
-I am blessed.