Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Random thoughts

-I hope atleast today I  am able to post something as Aman is watching video, I don't have much house work and hubby is late from office.So maybe , just maybe, I may be able to put down some thoughts after all. I thought I will write under the title "De-cluttering thoughts" but somehow , what I want to say is not for the De-cluttering process. Its more scrap book material. So changed the title.

-Aman has started asking questions about deaths . It was inevitable seeing someone very close to him passed away this May. He suddenly asked me where did batman's parents go?. I replied that a bad uncle killed them. I decided to tell the truth rather than lie. He asked me where and when. I replied dutifully. He asked me if they were in the hospital. I told they they had become "pari" or angels. He said " pari tho meri achchi friend hain. Woh tho babitha didi ke yahan hoti hain"
and thankfully the conversation ended there when he decided he would rather see youtube videos than ponder over the mysteries of life and death.

- It is my greatest fear that I or hubby or both will die and leave Aman an orphan. I think children deserve love from their parents. I think its their birthright. Please ya Allah , bless us that we are always able to be there for Aman atleast until he becomes a man and finds someone who loves him even more than we do.

- I have realized the value of our life depends so much on how much people love us. When I was a kid, the thought of my death did not scare me much. It did not even occur to me. However I was crazily afraid of my parents dying or leaving me. My life had no value for me. When I was around 15, one of elder sister's classmate died and she told of how his parents were devastated. I didn't want my parents to go through that hurt and my life began to have some value. I got married and initially I thought even if I leave the earth my husband would definitely find love again, but as the years passed , I realized that there was no one who could see him the way I did and if I left, a part of him would die too. The value of my life increased a bit more. Now I have a son and I pray to god to keep both me and hubby safe as our life has been even more valuable. And I have realized the ultimate truth. Our life is only as valuable as the love we are capable to feel and share.

-I think my present company has finally thought me how to have work life balance. I always pride myself that I am good in planning and am quite efficient in my work. I made sure through my capabilities to always finish my work in time and leave for home. Ofcourse, when project submissions were there, it was different. However, recently, I was beginning to feel that all that I prided may infact be the the road to my down fall. I was somehow always pushed aside when good projects came. (All work is good ofcourse ,I mean prestigious ones.) I understood that ultimately, it seems, a good resource is only one who stays late. It does not matter if I finish my work in time. I should be a good team player and take more work and stay late. So you see, it does not matter at all. All this efficiency talk seems to be on paper. Perceptions are hard to fight and I am beginning to feel bogged down. It bothered me for a while but then I did something. I just changed the definition of my success. I decided for me having a good life was success. For me , coming home to my son a the right time was success. So I have decided to let go of my perceived office snubs. Projects will come if they have to come. And I am happier for it.

- I guess that's enough thoughts for today. I feel like writing but I have no thoughts left. Hubby just reached . Perfect.


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Letters to my Diary 27.07.2017

Dear Diary,
I am feeling very disturbed today. I think its because there is a small warning in my sub conscious mind. Today the guy who owns our neighborhood house was sitting outside. They are renovating that house. It was he who ordered his servant to cut of our electricity. Apparently he is going to move in now. To have such criminal people near us is not a happy prospective to me. We don''t have any kind of words with this man or anyone remotely connected to him. However, i cannot keep the extreme anger I feel away from my face. They are bullies and they like it when people are afraid of them. I don't like living like that. He may not do anything but he was looking at me when I went and came back from calling Aman. And he sits right outside our house so its difficult not to look at him. And somewhere I am worried.

We have extended our house agreement for one more year. The house is really good and I am extremely happy with it. Really there seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with it now. The lack of storage space has infact helped my reduce stuff and I feel so relieved. I just remove stuff as much as possible. Its not that we have become minimilistic. However, things are reducing. I can see. So much more to do. But the habit is slowly being established. I did buy 3 dresses but they were more for specific purposes and I hope to continue the trend for not buying dresses this year unless extremely required.Hubby is getting on board too. Need to bring Aman in too.

Office is going on. I am not sure how so wont comment on it. Anyhow there is enough doom in the beginning of the letter to put in more.

My garden is flourishing. My rose plants are going down because of some invisible insect eating the leave. I really tried hard to find that insect, but simply not able to see it. My lady's finger are good. Got around 10 of them and made curry twice. Really happy.

MashaAllah, there are enough plants now for me to truly happy.


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Definition of a father

Today Aman wanted to see a Panda movie again.
"Which Panda movie?" asks his Achchi.

"The one with Panda's Achchi." Aman answers.
"Which one?" His Achchi asks again feeling sorry for the goose and starting to put Kung fu Panda 3. Amma thinks of the 50 panda faces she is going to see again.

"You know the one in which the panda's achchi gives him a noddle trolley and the panda climbs a lot of stairs with it and the door shuts and he is left outside.... that one"

Aman's Achchi grins happily.

And Aman's Amma  wonders.
The four year old knows the true definition of a father;
the elders have doubted foolishly.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

The stranger in the mirror.

Today a friend from the past called. Just calling her a friend from the past isn't justice to her, She was practically the love of my life for some time and we still are in touch. We talk quite rarely, once a year or so but every time we talk, we TALK.

We talked about our hobbies and she asked me, What about you Rahmath do you find time to paint now? I was taken back for a moment because its been a long time since that aspect had left my life.
And I wondered...

and she asked me ...did I find time to read? and I said sometimes..... and I thought thanks god at least THAT, I have not changed. But thinking a bit more, a nagging doubt comes; is it because my husband is also a voracious reader?

I remembered a gift I got around two years ago when another very close friend of mine came for a visit. She gifted me a book of poems. I was surprised. Very. Why? I wondered to myself. She said giving it. "You used to write so many poems so I thought you would enjoy this."

That time too I wondered...

I had recently gone shopping to buy dress for my brother in law's engagement. Every time I buy a dress for a function, my in law's hypothetical opinion, keeps looming on top of my head. Invariably I always end by buying what I think or hope they would like, rather than something I would actually choose. While I would be complimented, I would always feel as if it was someone else wearing the dress and not actually me.

This time however, by luck, by chance, I could go out with my sister. We selected a pastel green with embroidery and I wore it for her to see. And she loved it. She said it was so me. And I bought it. I doubt I would have bought it otherwise, it may not have got through the filter of my diffidence. It was exactly the type of dress, the color I used to wear when I was just me. Soft, Subtle, Elegant.

Isn't the change so subtle that we don't even realize when it happened? And then suddenly you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.

I saw the amazon advert today on #mombeagirlagain. I wonder... is it being a mother which changed you ? or did the change begin even before that...

Friday, May 5, 2017

Letters to my Diary 05.05.2017

Dear Diary,
Its 10:50 pm. I need to sleep. I have to get up at 5:30 to go to Yoga. I have so much to tell. I have so much to de-clutter. I wish... I wish I had a pensive. I wish I had  a wand and the incantation. I wish I knew magic. I wish I was taught to clear my mind. I guess I do. My wand is my laptop, My incantation are my written words, and you my dear diary are my pensive.

This week was not a good one. I hated Tuesday. I hate that tuesday because we heard that soumya - babitha didi's daughter had passed away in an accident. I hate that Tuesday. It was an irony, that didi who gave a mother's love to so many children was stolen of her daughter. Sometimes, you dont understand why waste a life. You can never understand why god does what he does. It makes absolutely no sense. I am sure there is a reason....  She was a person with so much life. She was an epitome of life. An example of the wonders a strong and happy family can do to a child now a woman now angel. No mother can go past this. She can pretend to move on. I hope she learns to pretend. I wonder if she will start day caring once again. I wonder if she will have the strength to do so.

Atha and amma came on saturday night. Aman has been coming to home after school now. It was fortunate that they were there. And Aman and his grandparents are having a good time. That is a good news.

This week Aman had a play date. He went to the park with his new found friends in the opposite house. hubby took him and went. I was late that day and reached after an hour and a half, for bringing them back from the park- both hubby and him. Aman found a lost dart and showed it excitedly to me. I told him to put it back where he got it as the person who lost it would come searching for it. He didnot want to. His friend( same age) wanted to see the dart and aman shared it with him on my saying and the child took it as his. After that Aman didnot get it. Suddenly the child came running with aman running in front of him.Aman had taken the dart from the child and went and put it down. As the child was crying and Aman has forcibily taken , I gave the dart to the boy and told him the same thing, to keep it back. But he didnot. And he was enjoying the dart Aman had found and given up because I told him to. I know the happiness a child gets when he finds something special. And I took that happiness from him. Aman was soooo sad but he didnot throw a tantrum like his friend. His face fell and he hugged me tight. And I got confused. I thought I did the right thing in teaching Aman not to take things which didt not belong to him. But it was a treasure for him. I did right didnt I ? I think I did but I felt soooo bad. I took him away and searched for another treasure - a fallen champa flower.
I am so proud of my son. and I think I will have to go through so many heart breaks.

I think the reason a mother's heart pains so easily is that it is always raw. Every time her baby hurts, she hurts too... even at imagined slights. I think her heart is always raw and hence everything hurts her so much.

Didi ... Didi... God will give you strength. He has to. That much he owes you.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Of nightmares and reality

Dreams.... Dreams have always been a friend. They normally come to me when I need to know something. I have random dreams as well but they do not feel real. I normally forget them the moment I wake up. But there are some dreams which feel as a communication form the universe. I had a dream around two weeks ago which was intense. Ocean ... an evil presence which I am scared of, Not able to locate my husband, Failing to meet a spiritual leader.... I actually searched for the meanings. Was it a warning or an indication of some kind?
Then today early morning I saw another dream, I had lost my husband for good and that was the worst, worst nightmare I could have had in all eternity. I did have somebody loving and caring in my life , it felt as if I had actually moved on. But then a photo with me and hubby in the same dream opened up a flood and I started crying and crying and praying that please god let this be a dream , let me wake up..... let me wake up.... LET ME WAKE UP. And I woke up.... and realized in fact, it was a dream. But I thanked god so desperately for I felt in that moment that I was in an alternate reality. If this life is the dream then let the dream continue. Death in a dream signifies change in one's life. Change....... what change?

 I got a news of a death as well today ...A sudden death of my teacher's husband.

Today something else happened as well . Today I got out of office and was trying to get an auto in front of a building. I saw a plain dressed man standing very importantly with the guards of the building in cyber city.I didnot bother . One auto came and we were just discussing the fare but this person ran and came to me and shouted at the auto driver and literally bullied him away. And I was left wondering on how I am supposed to get an auto in front of my building. And the way was extremely entitled. It was sheer gundaism. There is no other word for it. And I was scared. This is a very corporate place. But this was very very underground mafia type feeling, not that I know first hand what the feeling is and I dont want to as well, thank you very much. I don't think it was the actual gundaism that bothered me. It was more that all the people around were very OK with it. I think that's what scared me.

I am not politically inclined. I stay away from it. but I feel I no longer can. Sometimes I feel that the fiction is V for Vendetta is on the way to its realization. I wonder....

However, let me end the post with a better reality. Birds have begin to become busy. Sunbirds have come visiting. There is an Ashy prinia who is looking for the perfect place to nest. He even visited our house today morning. We ofcourse told him that the garden outside would be a better place for his missus. Saw two tiny little chillies in the chillie plant. The first yellow rose of the season from the very first rose plant has bloomed today. And I think the tomato plant has flowered. I had planted okra and beans this weekend. Hopefully they germinate soon as well. Stopping here with a hope of more wonderful blogs on my wonderful friends I hope to meet more this summer.....

Friday, March 17, 2017