Thursday, October 3, 2019

Anne's house of dreams

Last month we went to the Delhi Book fair. We went on a weekend and it was far too crowded. There we bought Anne's house of dreams by L M Montgomery. I took it simply because that was the only book I got in that crowded book stall. I have previously read 2 to 3 of Anne Shirley books but I did not find myself sufficiently interested in them. Maybe the series Road to Avonlea was too fresh in my mind and  I found the book not true to the series. (Preposterous , I know). This time however, the years had erased the details of the series and I could read the book with a cleaner slate. And what a difference it made.

I loved the simplicity of the book so much that I actually posted about it face book. I loved to be a part of her dreams, her first home , her first experiences. I envied her conversations. I remembered a simpler time. They did not have phones or TV so they depended on the friendly neighbors for entertainment. I got so much pleasure from being a silent spectator of all the going on s in her house of dreams. My heart wept for her during her tragedy and sighed with her when she accepted the cardinal rule of a household, that when the husband stands strongly for something, its mostly the right thing. Like her I also took a year or two to know that.

Of course there was a element of romance tied in somewhere but I wont spoil the book for you by telling about it. If you want to slip into a simpler time where poor health was the greatest villain and gossip from the neighborhood spinster the greatest entertainment, I recommend the book wholeheartedly to you.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Letters to my diary 11/09/2019

Dear Anu,
I dedicate this blog to you....

I think there are not many who read my blog anymore. My own fault, my content is bland, sporadic and my engagement is zero. However I know there are two who take the precious time out to check this humble abode of my thoughts. I just realize, both have names starting with A.

September has come. around 3/4 th of the year done and I wonder where it has gone. I started the new job. Did I say? However both the A's know. I have completed 5 months. Learning new things, experiencing new things, coming out of my comfort zone.I like meeting people. Going to dinners though is something I wouldn't do. However thanks to my position now, I did go out with the team who came from Norway. I booked a dinner, something I have never done before. Wanted to reach there in time, wondered if it was ok to refuse alcohol( it was. I have faced more judgment here for being non alcoholic) , Talked a lot, Ate sushi for the first time thanks to the encouragement of my colleague from Norway. realized I need to brush up my politics, history and general IQ. I had deliberately removed myself from that world. My world was so small, with people who talked the same things I did.

Well, let me try this cap for some years too....

Sometimes I think there are only two possible scenarios for me when I am in the fifties if I am alive and nothing drastic has happened. Either I will be in a top position in my field or I will be in some yoga ashram, calmly living my life. 20 more years to know

Today is Onam, we no longer have sadyas, because we are so f****** busy and sometimes i wonder, why are we doing what we are doing. But we continue to do it. We continue to live this life. We have not even considered about our future. We have nothing to show for it. We might as well be machines.

The moment I come back home, I start worrying about my sons homework and his school work. He hates to study ,read or write. I thought I sent him to a school which  believed that children will learn when they learn. Not;apparently. But comparatively they do ask for very less. My entire joy on being a mother has somehow reduced. I feel as if I am delivering 5 projects 9-6 and then another project from 7- 10. My poor baby, its just for some time, Once you begin to read it should be ok. Because that's how awesome you are. You have always done everything in the right time.

so, My hubby bought for me non alcoholic beer. I asked him to buy. I wanted to see what the fuss is all about. Why people apparently don't consider a party a party unless it is there. So my hubby bought a non alcoholic one because he knew when it came that to that i wouldn't break my abstinence.And I am so glad. Because beer tastes like so horrible,I asked him if it tasted like s*** (for me) because it was non alcoholic. He said no, it tastes quite similar and he never liked it too. Thankgod, I did not break my abstinence for something whose taste I need to "acquire". What a waste it would have been.

This is something which I wouldn't have been even thinking 5 years ago. My life is filled with new experiences, new perspectives, different perspectives, Isn't that nice?

I like meeting people who are not Indians. They remind me of my country, They help me see that which I have become blind to. They come from such different circumstances. but I am reminded of the similarities.

I think I will be learning to use chopsticks. The Danes and the Norwegians use them. Quite comfortably.  How amazing that is. How does the culture travel so much. I ate the shushi with my fingers. I was unapologetic. My colleagues didn't care. If they did, they were too cultured to show. I am glad I am working with them. Norwegians, Mette...... The first time I heard about Norway was when she commented on my blog. Then I saw hers..... We commented on each others blogs. She was very kind. And through her photographs I saw Norway. The first Scandinavian country for me. And now I am the lead for the Norway team for my field in India. There is a high possibility I might even go there.

I am always always amazed by the way things connect.


















Wednesday, June 19, 2019

5 Random thoughts

Its becoming harder and harder to write. Thoughts , ideas swirl in my brain. But they don't form sentences. Today I asked Aman to take a number for me so that I will force myslef to write that many thoughts. The number 5 came. 5 random thoughts.

Saw the movie Lucifer last week with the inlaws. Was impressed with Prithviraj's direction. Its always nice to see multi talent. The movie has style. There were so many things I liked about the movie. I was impressed with Viviek Oberai 's capability to stand and be equal to Mohanlal. He didnt feel diminished. Good villians make good hero. I liked the scene in which Stephan walks to the hall. It was very inspiring. I felt sad I no longer felt that for any one The devotion. There seems to be nobody you can follow anymore. So in fiction it felt good to see. I like the way the young politician introduced his girlfriend and admits very openly that while not married she is his life partner in every sense. It was an indication of the change that is coming to my country. An acceptance of the live in relationship and nothing to be judged for. I liked the reaction that Manju's character had when her daughter expressed the truth of her husband. Denial - thats the true response. That was very realistic and true. And then acceptance. This movie touched many aspects which felt fresh. I enjoyed it. Will I see it again , Maybe not. but yes I will enjoy watching  some scenes again.

Hearing "No matter what" Calum Scott non stop. what a bueatiful song. Its about comming out adn acceptance. For me its about super parenting goals. He is lucky if he has parents who love him "No matter what". I am happy to live in this world in this time. There may be negative stories where we are degrading, where we are going backwards, but I am happy to live in a time where other stories are being told  and acceptance is given its due importance.

I heard "Shine bright like a diaomond as well. I liked Calum Scott's version the best.

I have no more thoughts to share.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

5 random thoughts

- I have 5 plants in my room.
- I used to collect smooth pebbles and shells when I was around 8. I shared my pebble collection with someone I hoped would be my friend. her mom threw it away saying it was just pebbles. I still sometimes search for a most special pebble.
-I got a ring shaped shell once. I was holding it in my hand because I didn't have any pockets. It fell down and got lost.
-My son braved the waves to get me a sea shell. His father held him while he cupped him hand over a seashell to prevent the waves from taking it away. The waves almost reached his bent face. But he persisted and then gave it to me.
-I am blessed.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

FlashBack from 2018

January - Febuary

Started the year with a trip to Aurangabad. Really loved the city and loved the Ajanta and Ellora caves. Met the family of a good friend and got perspectives of our own family. The year had started well. Office was hectic, had decided to move on if I got a good offer as it was not longer enjoyable to work. However the work was challenging and excited me almost like a obstacle course.

March-May

Got a good offer. But was naive enough to refuse it. I believe in destiny and as the way I screwed up was so unlike me I am bound to think it was meant to happen We dotn normally put these things in public domain but what happened instanly after refusing the offer might be one of the most important coorporate lessons I have learnt. And I never want to forget it. 

But I am happy as My actual learning happened in 2018. It was important that I stayed here. I am grateful. Office was interesting. The 'obstacle course' was more and more challenging. Hubby remarked that I like obstacles too much and once I smoothen the path, I lose interest and move to the next one leaving way for others to take the credit. Made me remember that the most productive time in my life the last decade was when I was fighting for something or proving some point. True. Obstacles excite me but I must not allow it to be a flaw. Realized I must slow down. Realized I must let go. 

I did something else I have never done on April. Went to a trip with a friend. For the fist time in these many years went on a trip with no family member. And I felt good. The place was amazing as well.  I felt liberated as I had broken the shackles I had bound on myself.

My birthday was special as well. I had told hubby , this time I wanted to have a good time. And I wanted a gift. He gifted me a watch. Aman made me a beautiful card and a rainbow heart.Felt lovely to be loved.

June - July
Spent around a month at hubby's home. A marriage in the family took place. Spent on dresses the way I have never spent in my life even for my own wedding and will never spend. Visited Bangalore and met some old friends. I like meeting my father's friends. I really enjoy talking to the seniors in life. They help me feel calmer. Got burgled and nothing irreplaceable was taken. Mainly nothing was destroyed. I was thankful for the family support. Hubby underwent a kalari treatment. Was fruitful. Very. Meanwhile, I realized it took three weeks for me to unwind from the stress of work. Finally understood to keep work where it should be and myself where I should be. Work - Life balance; started getting the hang of it.

August - September
Had put on too much weight and sleep was becoming affected. So when the Weight loss program came around, Joined it. This time was determined to take part it in. Lost 4.5 kilos. was the greatest loser in the Women's category. All my efforts were paid off. Finally started having the disciplined life.
The Ayurveda Wellness class started on September and I registered for it. It felt good to learn something new, something beyond the design codes I learn for work.

Life was good.

October
Hubby had got to Denmark for a 10 days trip for the first time since our boy was born. Atha and Amma had come to help me and Aman out. We had a really really good time. I felt as if  I was finally rediscovering myself. I had lost myself somewhere in my roles of a daughter in law, wife and mother. While I missed my husband, I was extremely thankful for the time I got to spend with my mother and father. My boy was amazing and a great support when his father was not there. 

November - December
It's just two months, but now that I am doing this flashback, these two months seem to be the longest two months. Got another corporate lesson by the end of the year.  I was forced to come out of my comfort zone and ask for feedback from many others apart from the main person I thought I was working with. And the positive feedback was more than I had expected.I have always beleived that we work for a manager and not for a company. I have started to rethink it. We may leave because of a manager but we should never be in an organization because of a manager. We work for the organization not for the manager. I think this was also a very good lesson which will help me in the future.

Other Things that made 2018 special
1) Followed very good advise of becoming active in Linkedin.
2) Was cocnsistent with everyday 2rkt namaz
3) Kicked the coffee habit. Sober for around 6 months now.
4) Fairly disciplined life
5) Flourishing Garden. (though the cold is killing me a bit)
6)Discovered Ted Talks. Recommend it to all.
7) Read a the Dale Carneige book "How to Stop worrying and start Living"
8) Made Butter (hit)
9) Made bread pudding (not a hit)
10) hubby joined a painting course. Had to leave it. But its a good beginning.

Overall 2018 was a productive year and was good. If I remember more, I will write it.




Saturday, December 15, 2018

Letters to my Diary 15/12/2018

Dear Diary,

This week was hectic. I knew I would lose my mind so I took one day off and took care of some stuff at home which I couldn't do due to the hectic weekends. And you will not believe the amount of trash I collected. We literally were living in a dump. And I have not yet tacked Aman's play room/storage/Gym/Computer room and the Kitchen. Anyhow I felt happy that I removed them . But the work is not over yet.How do these people have such picture perfect clean and tidy homes? I guess we have too many things. I am seriously considering starting to wear monochrome one piece dresses to office. And books? I have actually decided to reduce them. I figure I will buy them once again for my library when I have the library. Right now I just want to reduce my stuff. They are driving me crazy.

Office is going ok. Sometimes it's overwhelming, Sometimes it's fine. Sometimes I feel I don't care. It's really confusing, but the actual stress for me this week was regarding my boy. We got a message from his school regarding his writing. If he doesn't want to do, he doesn't do it. But somewhere I am getting worried that he is so afraid to fail that he simply doesn't try it.He decides it's not something he wants to do. I fail daily. I am a freaking failure everyday at one thing or the other. But look at me , I jump up and do it again. For the first time I felt I needed a parenting book. But his school teachers didn't think it was necessary. I know its not necessary for my boy , it is for me though!

So it was stressful for me when googlies came in office which is quite a norm during any submissions.  It shouldn't be but it is. But, life is better now. I have introduced a study time for Aman. It's barely 5 minutes. He has to just trace a sentence in his 4 line book. That's it. BUT, we had a standoff the first day. He simply wouldn't do it. And for the first time in my motherhood I was literally extremely strict. I broke him that day and he definitely broke me for breaking him. But next day I knew a bit better and he knew a bit better too. I made it easier for him but made him write 10 to 13 words and he did it for me. Today was much much better and so I feel much better now. I am taking care of him too.

 We went outside with hubby's very senior colleague from Denmark this week. I have worked with him before and he must be one of the most humble people I have seen. He said something I wanted to put in Linked in. I will. Its something worth sharing. He said that "The difference between a bad (Civil) engineer and a good (Civil) engineer is that the  bad engineer sees only black lines in white paper but a good engineer sees reinforcement bars in concrete."

Isn't it so true.

This week was a mix, some good things (Dinner with Collegue (ex), removing trash, Aman's wrting), some obstacles . (we had to return the wardrobe we had ordered. We had to cancel the painting class; both which I feel is better for us in the long run). And somethings I let go.....

I have to stop now. It's late. My boy is talking about the chrismas tree that we washed today. It is still out today. But that's ok. Tomorrow we will start decorating it. We need to buy a star

Lots of Love
Rahmath