Sunday, July 23, 2017

The stranger in the mirror.

Today a friend from the past called. Just calling her a friend from the past isn't justice to her, She was practically the love of my life for some time and we still are in touch. We talk quite rarely, once a year or so but every time we talk, we TALK.

We talked about our hobbies and she asked me, What about you Rahmath do you find time to paint now? I was taken back for a moment because its been a long time since that aspect had left my life.
And I wondered...

and she asked me ...did I find time to read? and I said sometimes..... and I thought thanks god at least THAT, I have not changed. But thinking a bit more, a nagging doubt comes; is it because my husband is also a voracious reader?

I remembered a gift I got around two years ago when another very close friend of mine came for a visit. She gifted me a book of poems. I was surprised. Very. Why? I wondered to myself. She said giving it. "You used to write so many poems so I thought you would enjoy this."

That time too I wondered...

I had recently gone shopping to buy dress for my brother in law's engagement. Every time I buy a dress for a function, my in law's hypothetical opinion, keeps looming on top of my head. Invariably I always end by buying what I think or hope they would like, rather than something I would actually choose. While I would be complimented, I would always feel as if it was someone else wearing the dress and not actually me.

This time however, by luck, by chance, I could go out with my sister. We selected a pastel green with embroidery and I wore it for her to see. And she loved it. She said it was so me. And I bought it. I doubt I would have bought it otherwise, it may not have got through the filter of my diffidence. It was exactly the type of dress, the color I used to wear when I was just me. Soft, Subtle, Elegant.

Isn't the change so subtle that we don't even realize when it happened? And then suddenly you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.

I saw the amazon advert today on #mombeagirlagain. I wonder... is it being a mother which changed you ? or did the change begin even before that...

Friday, May 5, 2017

Letters to my Diary 05.05.2017

Dear Diary,
Its 10:50 pm. I need to sleep. I have to get up at 5:30 to go to Yoga. I have so much to tell. I have so much to de-clutter. I wish... I wish I had a pensive. I wish I had  a wand and the incantation. I wish I knew magic. I wish I was taught to clear my mind. I guess I do. My wand is my laptop, My incantation are my written words, and you my dear diary are my pensive.

This week was not a good one. I hated Tuesday. I hate that tuesday because we heard that soumya - babitha didi's daughter had passed away in an accident. I hate that Tuesday. It was an irony, that didi who gave a mother's love to so many children was stolen of her daughter. Sometimes, you dont understand why waste a life. You can never understand why god does what he does. It makes absolutely no sense. I am sure there is a reason....  She was a person with so much life. She was an epitome of life. An example of the wonders a strong and happy family can do to a child now a woman now angel. No mother can go past this. She can pretend to move on. I hope she learns to pretend. I wonder if she will start day caring once again. I wonder if she will have the strength to do so.

Atha and amma came on saturday night. Aman has been coming to home after school now. It was fortunate that they were there. And Aman and his grandparents are having a good time. That is a good news.

This week Aman had a play date. He went to the park with his new found friends in the opposite house. hubby took him and went. I was late that day and reached after an hour and a half, for bringing them back from the park- both hubby and him. Aman found a lost dart and showed it excitedly to me. I told him to put it back where he got it as the person who lost it would come searching for it. He didnot want to. His friend( same age) wanted to see the dart and aman shared it with him on my saying and the child took it as his. After that Aman didnot get it. Suddenly the child came running with aman running in front of him.Aman had taken the dart from the child and went and put it down. As the child was crying and Aman has forcibily taken , I gave the dart to the boy and told him the same thing, to keep it back. But he didnot. And he was enjoying the dart Aman had found and given up because I told him to. I know the happiness a child gets when he finds something special. And I took that happiness from him. Aman was soooo sad but he didnot throw a tantrum like his friend. His face fell and he hugged me tight. And I got confused. I thought I did the right thing in teaching Aman not to take things which didt not belong to him. But it was a treasure for him. I did right didnt I ? I think I did but I felt soooo bad. I took him away and searched for another treasure - a fallen champa flower.
I am so proud of my son. and I think I will have to go through so many heart breaks.

I think the reason a mother's heart pains so easily is that it is always raw. Every time her baby hurts, she hurts too... even at imagined slights. I think her heart is always raw and hence everything hurts her so much.

Didi ... Didi... God will give you strength. He has to. That much he owes you.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Of nightmares and reality

Dreams.... Dreams have always been a friend. They normally come to me when I need to know something. I have random dreams as well but they do not feel real. I normally forget them the moment I wake up. But there are some dreams which feel as a communication form the universe. I had a dream around two weeks ago which was intense. Ocean ... an evil presence which I am scared of, Not able to locate my husband, Failing to meet a spiritual leader.... I actually searched for the meanings. Was it a warning or an indication of some kind?
Then today early morning I saw another dream, I had lost my husband for good and that was the worst, worst nightmare I could have had in all eternity. I did have somebody loving and caring in my life , it felt as if I had actually moved on. But then a photo with me and hubby in the same dream opened up a flood and I started crying and crying and praying that please god let this be a dream , let me wake up..... let me wake up.... LET ME WAKE UP. And I woke up.... and realized in fact, it was a dream. But I thanked god so desperately for I felt in that moment that I was in an alternate reality. If this life is the dream then let the dream continue. Death in a dream signifies change in one's life. Change....... what change?

 I got a news of a death as well today ...A sudden death of my teacher's husband.

Today something else happened as well . Today I got out of office and was trying to get an auto in front of a building. I saw a plain dressed man standing very importantly with the guards of the building in cyber city.I didnot bother . One auto came and we were just discussing the fare but this person ran and came to me and shouted at the auto driver and literally bullied him away. And I was left wondering on how I am supposed to get an auto in front of my building. And the way was extremely entitled. It was sheer gundaism. There is no other word for it. And I was scared. This is a very corporate place. But this was very very underground mafia type feeling, not that I know first hand what the feeling is and I dont want to as well, thank you very much. I don't think it was the actual gundaism that bothered me. It was more that all the people around were very OK with it. I think that's what scared me.

I am not politically inclined. I stay away from it. but I feel I no longer can. Sometimes I feel that the fiction is V for Vendetta is on the way to its realization. I wonder....

However, let me end the post with a better reality. Birds have begin to become busy. Sunbirds have come visiting. There is an Ashy prinia who is looking for the perfect place to nest. He even visited our house today morning. We ofcourse told him that the garden outside would be a better place for his missus. Saw two tiny little chillies in the chillie plant. The first yellow rose of the season from the very first rose plant has bloomed today. And I think the tomato plant has flowered. I had planted okra and beans this weekend. Hopefully they germinate soon as well. Stopping here with a hope of more wonderful blogs on my wonderful friends I hope to meet more this summer.....

Friday, March 17, 2017

Thursday, March 16, 2017


-We had Aman's progress review. It was a very nice experience. The didi's told to do activities which will improve his fine motor skills.
-Today S's mama understood that I and hubby knew each other from college. She smiled and said... "ah now I understand. Whenever I see you guys coming you both never feel like a couple. Its more like friends coming. good good. God bless you". I felt so happy hearing that. It was like a warm candle in my heart all throughout the day.
-My line manager told me to make a presentation for my promotion. I got so scared of making my presentation that for one moment I almost did not want it. But then this is a challenge. That's one of the things I like about my company. Its as if they never run out of new things for us to do. I have never done a self promoting presentation before and is totally outside my comfort zone. So I will grow whatever the outcome is. Incidentally I was listening to song "Opportunity" in the movie Annie when this was conveyed to my line manager.
-Aman is feeling under the weather a bit. Need to give him medicine. I cannot wait for the weekend to start.
-I bought stencils for Aman to practice holding the pencil. I also bought foam letters. He does not understand the concept of stencils. But he totally loved sticking the foam letters. The foam letter were a real hit.
-Had a good breakfast of puri and mutta curry and a tasty lunch at school and finished with a great dinner with superb appalams theeyal and cabbage thoran. Thank you lord for our full stomachs and satisfied minds.
-Saw the wedding scene of Prince William and Kate Middleton. It was so sweet. The way she was saying the vows and the way they were looking at each other. Surely they knew the that they were watched critically but at that moment, at very moment it felt as if they both had withdrawn into a beautiful bubble in which no one but only they existed. It was beautiful to watch. I remembered Brother in law's wedding. He was cracking jokes and behaving abominably on the wedding mundap but i could see his nervousness. It was very sweet to see BIL and SIL together that day the the next. Its beautiful to see love....

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Letters to my Diary 14.03.2017

Dear Diary,
I have been waiting to write to you for some time now. Last week was quite eventful with some sad news as well. And I wanted to share it with you. From where shall I start?
Last last friday, Aman had a holiday. N chittappa offered to baby sit him. Its a testimony of how much Aman had grown that we took the offer. I came a bit early that day to find that the current was not there. Something seemed amiss as it rarely went here. That morning while leaving we had a slight skirmish with the owner of the neighbouring house. Note that the owner didnot live there he had given it for rent to a PG. They were clearing up the stuff in front of their house (and ours where they make a point to dump their stuff). I thought they may have cut the wire mistakenly. However it was a deliberate attempt.
I couldnt believe that some one could do that. It was a criminal act and our landowner asked us to file an FIR. But somehow we felt that it would only cause problems for us. For somebody who had no problem doing this ,would our filing an FIR mount to anything? We did not even get angry or upset as it was such a stupid thing to do really. But the trust we had disappeared somehow. In a way its ok. We really love this house that we are staying. It was too good. So maybe this was the black spot. It took around a day for us to establish a new connection and ofcourse we shelled out the money. However as it was winter transition, the climate was really good and we didnot suffer that much.

Sunday however another news was to come. B ammooma had passed away. Now you know dairy that particular family is pretty special to me. Especially B ammooma. I remembered her comforting presence during my marraige. I remember her looking at me and saying." Simple and Elegant, Kollam" . She was very kind and her loss..... However she had had a great life. But everytime I saw V appoopa .... Their family is kindness epitome and its a privilege to know Appoopa and Ammooma not to say of T mama and S appachi. 

We went to Trivandrum and came. I don't think anybody expected me and aman to go as well. But there are somtimes when one should not think , just do . This was one of those times.

I also realized that I had grown up. I think when we grow up we can compartmentalize things. At one moment I was crying brokenheartedly. At another I was smiling and talking to relatives I had met after a long long time.  And both the feelings were genuine. I remembered a time when I would be consumed by my emotions. If I was sad I was eternally sad.If I was happy I was extremely happy. But now has come a time when I seem to meet happiness and sadness with almost the same feelings, like that sentence in Rudyard Kipling's If.I guess somewhere in the last five years, I had grown up.

But I miss my passionate nature. It must be there somewhere inside me still.... I am sure.

Aman is growing up so fast diary. We played holi this time. Hubby had bought some natural colours. But we played more with water. Aman played like anything with water. He was also joined by two of the neighboring boys. Ofcourse it resulted in him getting a huge nose block. But I guess thats ok. A child has to enjoy the times he has to enjoy rt?

He makes such wonderful hings with his Lego. That's his favorite toy now. I am amazed at his creativity. He always asks us to buy the balloons with the stick. he plays very little with the balloons per se. However the sticks are extremely  valuable for him. He makes cranes and tow trucks. One of his first lego duplo was the ice cream truck given by S appachchi. However he rarely uses it as an icecream truck. He has converted to to tow truck and a heavy duty crane using the above mentioned balloon sticks. I almost wanted to buy him the crane lego but hubby resisted as aman was creating whatever he wanted with his available legos. I see them and I agree.

Aman may not paint or draw like his father or mother. He is not inclined to the finearts. But he shows an aptitude to building and mechanics. And there he creates.

He is not yet four so I have not bothered to sit and teach him anything. But I guess its time for me to invest time in his A B Cs. Not much ofcourse, just a teensy weensy bit. He loves singing itsy bitsy spider. His favourite used to be wheels on the bus goes round and round.... But he still likes it.

I think its become a long enough letter. Tomorrow is Aman's last day in playgroup. I think he is going to KG this march end. There is two weeks holiday. Unfortunately Aman may have to go to daycare. I hate going to office these days when Aman has holidays. I believe children should enjoy during their holidays. Maybe when he is slightly older he will like to go to his grandparents. I wish, I wish I had a job where I could take offs whenever he had. But I should be glad my office is comparatively better than so many others.

I will stop now...
lots of love

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A Dish of dashes

- SIL sent a pic with a cute little child hugging a fish(out of water) with lots of love with the caption "Otherwise it would have drowned". Sarcasm overloaded. I found it tremendously funny because it reminded me of something else. I wonder if the simile hit her or not. I am not going to ask. Second (future) SIL has not contacted me at all.hmmmm. Well different people are different. Anyhow I am happy SIL whatzapps me. I am really bad in certain things
-Today Aman was supposed to take his tricycle to school. We had not seen that note. Children feel very bad when this happens and I know Aman felt too. However we told Aman that we would bring his cycle after leaving him at school before going to office. And his first response was "But amma or achchi late ho gajaya". Swoon!!!!!. I was so floored by his consideration. Obviously we said his cycle was more important than our being late. But I was so happy.
- I was going to type that it was not a good day but I think it was. So I wont write that. Today I could share my knowledge on what I know abut designing the deck slab using IRC code with a collegue. Thats the only aspect of my job that I like now and the fact that some money gets deposited every month which makes my life easier.
I don't think I will ever get much money made simply because I think everything needs respect. Unless you desperately need something you will not get it. If somebody tells you " I am happy you are my friend and that you call everyday, but I have the same lukewarm feeling I have for that other friend who calls me once a month" tell me, would you still feel like calling this person every day? 

 NO. you wouldn't. 

I think everything in this world follows the same principle. I don't think I will ever get rich or as successful in job as some people because these things are not the primary goal of my life. The primary goal of my life is to spend time with the people I love, to read some books, to do a bit of gardening, eat well and so on... I love to succeed, But I won't stay in office till 10 in the night everyday. I simply won't. And obliviously that will reflect in my paycheck. I don't believe in an utopian career world where people can go beyond these aspects of doing the job and judge you fairly by the amount of work you do. Unfortunately I don't anymore.
- Some of the fan fictions are really good. I am reading another Scorose one. This is more of the general category, at least till now. There is so explicit explanations on how they are doing it. (Frankly speaking it simply does not feel right in these books. OK I am a prude). So I am enjoying reading it. However there is one small problem. Every time I put down my phone for some reason and I come back I start searching for the book I was reading and then realize , hey I was reading it from my phone!!!!!!

And one more thing..... A book never says "Battery finished...Power Off".  I will always be a loyal Book(er)?
- So My son is sleeping and he has not had dinner . Hubby has made a sandwich. When Aman wakes up we will give him .Hopefully he will eat it and fall asleep once again. My sweetheart is such a cute handsome little boy. My older sweetheart is a handsome one too :). Going to sleep now tata....