Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Just a Rant.

Note : Just a Rant. Just wrote it to get it out of my system. 

I think for atleast some days from today my posts are all going to be random musings or not so random musings. For some reason I am a bit demotivated in writing- well in most of the things. I have more than 5 posts which I have written but not yet posted. Simply becasue I don't feel like posting them. I wrote them so that those words will flow out and new words may take their place. Alas!, nothing of that sort happened. So here i am writing from my heart , they way she want's it to be written. Today my hand will be the slave of my heart and not of my mind.

Hubby has gone to site visit. He left early this morning. It may be late night when he returns. Delhi traffic in the evenings are bad enough but put in a good rain and then you have a recipe for a major traffic jam. It's as if the roads were not at all built for even a 5 min light shower. I still believe people here don't know what rain is. You have to see the monsoons back home where it rains continuously for hours and hours and hours.  Still I am thankful for whatever rain that comes my way over here. Better to have something than nothing. But I should be fair to the Delhi climate too. I saw foggy days,winter cold and hailstones for the first time in my life here and oh not to forget the dust storms. Though I am not very keen to go out when a dust storm happens, it still fascinates me. Nature always fascinates me. But I hope today's rain wont delay him. He must have had a pretty tough day today, traveling though roads which are not yet built.

Today I got another blog to follow. I had gone through her link through IHM's Feminism by indian bloggers page.

The article inspired me - a lot. I will write about it someday. Then I  starting browsing and I couldn't help laughing aloud when I was not supposed to. I loved the way she wrote.  After reading a few posts I understood that she was a writer and she had written a book that I had heard of before. " Mayil will not be quite". Well now I just can't wait to read that book.

Mother sent me Onion vadavam  and Maasi podi (Dried fish powder). Delicacies from home. The onion vadavam was a bit powdered but then its ok. I can't wait to have maasi again.

Two days ago I got up with a heavy feeling in my stomach. Stomach ache is my friend. It's my warning of anything bad that might happen or any anxiety hidden in my subconscious mind. I have always had stomachaches for every single thing. If I walk too much, my stomach aches, if I stand for a long time, if i laugh too much, if I am scared, if I travel too much, if I am depressed , it gives me a warning. But I have never had a stomach ache at the times girls normally have one. It used to be very difficult for me when i was a child but now it is a friend. It helps me know when to address some issues which my conscious mind wont even notice.

Anyhow, I got up early morning, maybe at dawn, scared. I woke up my hubby and told him I was scared. He asked why? I said I felt scared to become a mother. It is going to be two years since our marriage . My biological clock is ticking. So it felt the right time to make the decision, but once we decided to decide to go for it I was scared. I am scared. Popular opinion says one should be parents only when they are ready for it but I don't think I will ever be ready to take that road. How will I manage that alone?. With a job in a place where we have no one to call our own. When my sisters were expecting , they had my mom and they had me and they were not working. I wish with all my heart that we do not have to take the decision. Sometimes it's better that God himself takes these decisions no? Unfortunately not so in my case.  Ofcourse there are numerous women who do things alone, but I guess I was never one of those. But hubby comforted me the way only and only he can. Funny it was my idea to have kids soon and he ended up defending it for me.

Life is a road where everything need not be planned. We may be afraid at first but it may turn out to be great. Was not our own marriage an example of it. Yes it was Yes it was. I was also worried about where it will put me career wise. I am in a good position now. It's like a S curve - first there is a flat portion where you are just making sure you know what you are doing then there is this sharp escalation , the speed with which you move upwards is tremendous. I am there now. I am moving upwards with such speed.

 And the idea of an impending sudden jolt at this time makes me feel so sad .I and my husband are in equal footing now. With all the disadvantages I already face because of my gender, if I take a break, in two years I will be no where near him. Is it not a myth that only men have egos. I am not that great. I have a colossal ego. Will I resent it? It's almost unfair. But then this is what nature intends us to do. We have our roles assigned. It's not my hubby's fault or boon or whatever you call it that he can't bear children!!!!

This does not mean I don't want kids, I always wanted kids. Man, even my blog is for my future kids.
its just that ------ is it not possible for people to want two different things at the same time???

But again help did come. V said in a career of 20 years a year or two will not matter much. Yes it will take a hit . Yes it will stop for a time but it will adjust itself. I guess it will. Maye be this is the turning point for me career wise too .Maye be I will concentrate on  becoming a independent consultant or maybe seriously consider Phd and then go to teaching field. but teaching in technical colleges  nowadays is not longer teaching. Maybe I will join a coaching institute.

All these would not have mattered much if I was not caught in two worlds. A world of my  mother's where you are a stay at home mom, maybe in my heart that's what I want to do too but then there is this other world, a world were I want to prove myself, I want to work, reach great heights. where I excel in my professional life too, where no man who knows me will be able to tell a woman honestly that a woman's place in in the home and not anywhere else. I see women do it. Women who are far less fortunate than me. I atleast have a great husband who will pitch in. And a MIL who will encourage me to go to work. Ahhh...... when the time comes, maybe I will be ready. God has always been kind to me. Things have always been better than they could have. He will take care of me now too.

Ah! I feel better now.

I sometimes wish I did not think this much. I sometimes wish I was like those people who took the assigned way. I always seem to miss it. I always have a number of roads in front of me and never a single one. I feel as if I always have had to choose and I always end up choosing those that look like they may be slightly more difficult. But then the roads I took have been really really good ones. So maybe I should just trust in myself and my decisions. They have always been good.

I can't wait for hubby to be back. I miss him , I miss him so much. I am so scared to being this attached to someone. Pepper wrote about this fear in her blog. I could relate so much with what she wrote that I read through her whole post without losing a breath. (atleast that's what it felt like).

Enough ...or I will give away every single thing in my life here. Enough for now.

3 comments:

  1. You're so lucky being such a great writer.
    Wish I had your gift to write things "out of my system".
    Wish you and your hubby a wonderful weekend.
    Hugs Mette

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Mette, You know I was really hesitant to write at first. But then I thought, there was no sense in bottling everything up. This way I am more at peace.:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Many of your posts end on the note of how much you love your husband :-)
    Just an observation...

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
You made my day :)