Tuesday, July 17, 2012

9 Arguments against Choice Marraige and What I have to say to them.

Someone I know has gone to break the news to his parents that he is in love and wants to marry the girl of his dreams. He is so scared. I asked him what he would do if they refused- a scenario which is highly probable. “Then marriage cancel”, he said laughing trying to lighten the situation. Why is it such a big deal for someone to marry someone they love?  I have heard so many arguments so many times from so many people.

“Marriage is not a game”.
Yes, that what I have to say to them too. Marriage is not a game. You cannot force your children, or your siblings or anybody else to get married to people whom you think is good. The children should marry who they want to. Do they even realize what implications a forced marriage and broken dreams have on future generations? 

"You will adjust” "People always adjust" they say.
Yes..... They adjust but do they live happily? How can they live happily if their very basic freedom in choice of lifelong mate is taken away from them?

"Compromises are a part of life".
Yes, but let the compromise be something that one chooses. Let that freedom go to the one making the compromise.

Someone else I know fell in love with a girl of another religion. “We will accept your decision but let the proposal come from the girls side” - the parents of the guy said. Do you think it happens so in India??? She waited, and he waited, in anticipation for almost a year. No one took any move. They waited for the parents to do something. The guy’s parents waited. After 8 months, the girl's parents who had kept her in house arrest married her off. He is heartbroken. He smiles, he behaves as if he has moved on. Will he ever? Will he ever love his wife the way he loved this girl? Even if they had broken up naturally, it would have been ok. But now, in this situation, totally romanticized tragedy, don't you think he will compare his wife every time with this girl (unless he fell in love again). What if his wife realizes that her husband is comparing her with some lady in a pedestal.

I know, I know,

“He will learn to be happy”.
Apparently loving somebody naturally is not desirable. One has to LEEEAARRRRNN. In case you didn’t get it, it was sarcasm.

 "The probability of love marriages failing is so much higher if the parents don't support."
Then why can’t people just support them. Marriage - whether love or arranged need guidance.  A marriage does not fail just because it is a love marriage. And just because two people stay married does not mean it is a success.

 "The Divorce rates are so high in love marriages"
"Yea, because there is no compulsion there to stay together and with so many rooting for it to fail... Half the arranged marriage sticks through the initial years due to societal and parental pressure. So many words of encouragement “Adjust, it will get better, do this, do that, it's ok. It happens; he may not have meant that, she may be just stressed”... So many words of encouragement which if half given for love marriages would have saved so many. And yet you put the blame on love marriage. No ....No that's not right.

"You will leave your parents of twenty years for a guy whom you met 2 years ago"
Well you don't seem to have a problem when she leaves her parents for a guy she met for say 2 months ago that too in her betrothal ceremony which lasted say 2 hours, which her parents arranged. Frankly speaking this is the silliest argument I have ever heard. If anyhow I have to leave my parents, at least let me leave with someone I want to liv my life with. Another thing is why keep comparing the years that's past. 20 years yes, what about the future 40 years??? And HOW on EARTH can these two relations EVER be compared?

"You will abandon us for thaaat person"
Who is talking about abandoning anybody? Children are not the one talking about cutting of relations. He is not abandoning you, you are throwing him out. Let’s get the facts clear here please.

"See he had a love marriage and see he is regretting it now"
I was alone in the reception hall, surrounded by my husband’s family- all new faces and not even one from mine.  I smiled and laughed and no one who saw me that day would ever realize what I must have gone through that whole day. I didn’t cry. I didn’t allow myself to feel alone. I had my God with me. I vowed that day that we would win this battle. That we would make this marriage work and even if it failed, we would fail in such a way that even the winners would want to lose. No one who knew us would tell other aspiring couples "see - love marriages fail..."

We completed two years of togetherness this July. By God's grace it was not very difficult. Remember us in your prayers..... Bless us....We so need it. 

I have a pot of prayers and good wishes, you see... Will tell you about it someday.

I can write about this subject for pages and pages and pages. I had buried these feeling in my heart for years. But when I see others having to undergo the same silly arguments again and again and again..... When I see dreams shattering, hearts breaking for no solid reason which makes any sense..... I feel like screaming at every single one of them. 

But I keep quiet and calm and remain dignified to the best of my capability for one slip on my part and they will point fingers at others like me too. 


  1. I agree..

    Well written!!
    I find these arguments baseless too.. really! And what u had to say to them makes perfect sense..
    I had written a similar blog about arranged marriages in India.. do read..I'm sure you'll be able to relate :)


    Cheers !!

    Keep writing :)

    1. Thanks sonia. Will definitely read it.:)

  2. :)..
    i always believed that any affair that cant survive all the above arguments from all the sides and still go forward for a marriage never wld have survived if they had got married in frst place...
    Soo i say let all these arguments always be there..people who can over come em let em get married :)

    1. I don't think i get your point achu :) but don't you think its a pity that people are put into unnecessary stress. You must have gone through this surely, atleast your wife must have.

    2. How can it be un necessary stress....
      if your kid tells u that he/she is going to move in wit this guy/girl who is 20 years older than him cause he/she is in love when ur kid is just 10 will you accept it ?
      i know you will not..you will say its too young...My question is who are we to decide what age is appropriate...:D:D

      always been a fierce supporter of individual freedom...
      of the kid to choose his partner and of the parents to say get the fuck out...:)

    3. I am a supporter of individual freedom too be it that of the parents. Anyhow, i am beginging to think that we are tlaking about two different things here!!!!

    4. http://achu-mysilence.blogspot.in/2012/07/rahi30384forublogspotin.html

      come over to bangalore na...
      not sure of we can have a talk about this.. atleast i can promise you we can fight about this :)

    5. Don't want to fight achu..... don't want to fight. I already replied to you in your post, but i wanted to post this so that others can get another view of it.

  3. I think it's all about control. Love marriages terrify parents because it means they have to lose power over their children. If parents become more secure in themselves and trust their children more, so many things would improve...

    1. I guess it might be true for some cases but I blame societal pressure more. A friend recently commented in another blog post as to how the life of Indian parents is measured completely based on how good a kid you have brought up. if parents were not measured by their kids, it would be so much easier for many. Hopefully it will be better soon.

      I did not mean to make villains out of parents in this post :).I hope I did not do that. I just wanted to give counter arguments.


Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
You made my day :)