Saturday, November 24, 2012

When the Dementors come.

I am beginning to understand why I am not able to write anything at all. It's because of the word "I". Self-obsessed right now. Ya coming from a person who writes  a personal blog- you must understand the magnitude . They say in my situation I am supposed to be happy all the time. I am happy. I am satisfied yet; it's as if dementors from the Harry Potter world come visit me at times. For some weird reason, I suddenly feel a great rush of negative emotions, a great need to explain. To talk back, to negate all the nonsense I heard silently that came my way 2 and a half years ago. Which still comes, all because I took the concept of marriage seriously. Yes, I dared marry a guy without the presence of my parents. I was going to type blessings instead of presence.... But that would be wrong, I know, they bless me all the time. Whether I am with them or without them. I know it would not matter to me. I see no reason why it should matter to them.

Do you know what rankles the heart? The fact that you cannot defend yourself. Because of hierarchical issues. Because you don't want to talk back to them fearing worse situations which could be avoided if you would just adjust a little, if you just put up with that kind of nonsense. And the funny thing is it is not even as common as it was before. A single offhand comment which I used to shrug off before suddenly reminds me of everything that I went through. An assumption of bed of roses when it was a path of thorns - Again something which I never felt the need to explain just smile at their ignorance - suddenly irritates the hell out of me. And then every single thread tangles and every tiny thorn begins to prick again.

When I feel myself going into that maze, when faith is of no help and optimism flies through the window, I lift my hands towards him seeking his help and he comes to me and takes me in his arms. "Whatever happens my dear, whatever anybody says", he whispers "always remember, that what matters most is that we are together now."

I rest on his shoulders; I snuggle close to him and calm myself feeling the rhythmic heartbeat of his. "Do you still love me? This whiny weak me" , I ask, "I have always loved you" , he asserts. "Liar ", I tease back smiling through my tears, "You never loved me in college". "Maybe not the way I love you now, But I always knew you were very important to me", he says. And then he starts talking, sharing memories which I had forgotten, memories which I thought my memory retarded darling husband would never ever remember. He talks slowly and softly and my heart calms down concentrating more on his voice than in his words. My body relaxes and I take a deep breath....

Yes, Together....... this is all that matters now.

Touch wood.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012