Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I wish I was writing anonymously...

...sometimes.  I guess i was too idealistic when I started blogging. I believed that one should take responsibilities for one's words and it is honest to write in your own name and what not. Now years later  I find that there has been a slight shift in my beliefs. Sometimes writing in your own name itself can stop you from being totally honest in your blog. Maybe, honesty depends on the writer and not on his/her blog name.

My world is small, My life is mundane. I am pretty timid to new people though I am an open book to people who like me. Recent experiences have made me even more wary and I am pretty happy to just get on with my life ,open up to those special people and basically stay put.  However conversations interest me. People always interest me. I miss that aspect of college. I miss people talking to me, sharing their views with me. So I get my dose of the drug by visiting blogs and 'listening' to them talk to me. I rarely comment. I am simply afraid that what I say, may not be that interesting. Or maybe, they would not like what I am saying. If I was writing in another name, maybe I would have more confidence(?). Maybe I could given myself another persona. I don't know.  I am pretty much quiet in the blog world until somebody asks if anybody is listening. When they do ask, I let them know that I am here by saying a hello. But saying anything more than that.....very rarely. I must conquer that fear.

It may seem totally contradictory as I blog. Maybe it's because I don't have any illusions about it. I know I cannot write about a topic, or spin a poem from thin air. I cannot be funny and I don't even try. I can be happy but cannot be chirpy. I know how to whine but cannot make it cute. However,  I do know that certain special people read my blog and I am satisfied and happy. I couldn't ask for more.

But as I said my world is small and I struggle for topics. I.e.  topics I feel strongly about. I don't read the newspaper by choice. My hobbies lay buried deep somewhere  because I cannot find the time/enthusiasm to do anything at this point of my life. So I can't write about it.

I can write about my thoughts but they are triggered by the responses of people around me to certain ideas. If I respond to those triggers and by chance someone reads it and gets offended and takes it personally, then what????!!!!. I can write it from a third person's view but that's not my style and I will have to spend more time/effort to write that post.

So the post goes unwritten. But until that thought gets written, my thoughts clutter and then everyday I open this page some twenty eight times and go away without posting anything - due to the lack of clarity.

And at these times I wish I was writing anonymously.

I sometimes wonder if this is the case of the grass being greener on the other side.

3 comments:

  1. Moments of self doubt trouble me too, and so many a time I filter my blog entries...Many times I feel not everyone deserves to know the real "me"... I have more drafts than posts for the same reason, I start off penning down and soon I get lost in the maze of what-ifs.

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    1. That's one good thing about wordpress. We can password protect certain posts alone. But apart form that I like blogger the best :) I cannot migrate to wordpress just yet :) wish blogger would do something about it.

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  2. Hi Rahmath.. ya this anonymous thing is noce sometimes.. u can be bold and not hide your feelings... I do have a solution .. I have split my blogs .. some are straighforwward and easy to write and some difficult..

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