Saturday, May 31, 2014

On why I like Flipkart so much

Message from flipkart

at 2:42 pm 29.05.2014
We have received your order OD40********3 amounting to Rs.1***8 and it's being processed. Do check your email for additional details. Thank You!

at 4:35 pm 29.05.2014
Items in order OD40********3 have been shipped. Your shipment will be delivered by  Monday,June02,2014. Do Check email for tracking details.

Friday, May 30, 2014

of climates and life

Is summer exhausting or what???!!!

You know climate here is like life...

Take summer....
One practically begs for the sun to come out during the months of Jan ...
then by Feb - March we are so so glad of the awesome-st climate. Then come April, the heat gradually increases....
First you think ..."meh it's ok ",
then it increases
increases....
......
increases some more....
and then you start getting fed up and tired and start wondering when this heat is going to go down :I
then the monsoons come. :)
you are thankful and you enjoy it and before you finish enjoying it, rains stop and it becomes more humid than ever...
Now its not that hot but then you start thinking maybe the heat was better to bear when there was no humidity. :-/
You forget how thankful you were for the rains.
You start waiting for the winters to come I-O
Then you get so tired of the humid nights [-(, when it starts to cool of again.
Then the climate slowly improves and you are so happy because of the 'oh so awesome' climate :D...
and then, the cold increases...
you think 'it's ok...just put on another sweater...'
but then another one is added up;
and another layer....
It becomes sooooooooooooooo cold that it becomes unbearable to even get out of the bed.
Then you start missing the sun sooo much.
You forget all about how horrible the last summer was...
You practically beg for the sun to come....

and thus we go around the circle.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Why I married him # 74

This year, I found  a new resolution. A resolution which could be easily incorporated with my on going life. I am not someone who likes change. I prefer doing the tried and trusted methods. I have had the same hairstyle for years. I wear the same kind of clothes. I voluntarily never try new food until someone else orders, I have a bite and like it. I can be extremely predictable except when I am not.

Just when everyone things they have figured me out completely and start taking me for granted, I can suddenly do something which does not coincide with the image they have conjured up in their mind of me. And at that time they get SHOCKED. I actually find it very amusing at times.

This year I thought I will concentrate on my outward appearance a bit more. And then I understood , how much people put me in boxes. A simple things as to buying a dress saw me have to explain or justify my "change". I am not going into the details.

Then I looked at my husband and I saw

1. If I want to buy boots... he say OK. Expression no. 1
2. If I wear slippers......Expression no. 1
3.If I say I want to experiment in food or drink........ .Expression no. 1
4.If I want to wear dresses or shorts.........Expression no. 1
5. If I wear mordern clothes.........Expression no. 1
6.If I wear  traditional clothes........Expression no. 1
7.If I wear make up..........Expression no. 1
8.If I dont wear any makeup or accessaries.......Expression no. 1
9.If  I do anything in character........Expression no. 1
10. If I do anything out of character......Expression no. 1

I feel so free with him. No expectations as far as my personality and personal preferences are concerned. He never comments on what I should do or not do or wear or not wear.  I can get a tattoo tomorrow and he may give an opinion on the tattoo perse but I am sure he will not comment on anything else like why I should or should not do and what I should or should not do or how I should or should not do. And considering the society that we have grown up, where a women's wardrobe choices reflect the "name and honor" of the family and every aspect of a women's life is open for comment and judgment, I think this quality is to be appreciated.

Its not that he does not comment on the choices. We know what looks good on each other and trust each others opinions but no judgement. And I think that's something.

I feel free with him.


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Excerpts from my Drafts Folder # 4, # 5 and # 6

**** 4 ****
.....
.....
.....
However whenever the aspect of cruelty comes I keep coming back to the same incident which happened around 6 months ago.  I was not in very good health for around a month or two last year. Rats had a gala time. My hubby was too stressed taking care of me and office and house he did not bother. So when I regained my health slightly the first problem I had to deal with it was an infestation of rats. The permanent and easy solution was to kill them. I know many vegetarians too would do the same. Did we do it? No. We literally spent three four days or maybe a week or two even,  24 hrs , recording planning and what not to catch them alive with rat traps( ya after the first one none of the rats entered the trap. we had to make elaborate plans) and then drove far off and let them free. But by the end of the week I had started wondering if I would have been this kind to the rodent if I had a baby in the house or if i didnot have this much time on my hands. 100% says , I would kill the rodent at sight. So why this difference in the same person when the situation changed. Priorities. No? Does this mean that the others who would kill the rat at sight are somehow lesser or more cruel than me. I don’t believe so.

Don't you think it is very simplistic to just attribute cruelty to eating animals?
.....
.....
.....
**** 5 ****
.....
.....
.....
-We went to the Doc again after two weeks and she did not commit anything until the heart beat is heard. It must be so difficult being a doctor ,your patients hopes and  fears all resting on your shoulders....Hats off to them. So again we went for the U/S.I just prayed hard. I had seen the flicker last time. I just held on to that thought and prayed and prayed. Suddenly I heard this dukdukdukdukdukdukdukdukdukdukduk sound. It was running so fast that for a moment I wondered ...is something wrong???? The radiologist smiled happily.
"haha" he said.... "Nice strong heartbeat."
 "So everything is ok?" I asked.
"Yes Yes" he said.
I looked at hubby. He was beaming. His grin literally touched both of his ears. I don't know why but my eyes welled up. It was nice to hear the baby. Suddenly it was beginning to feel real. I am not romantic. I assure you I am not. The motherly euphoria has not surfaced till now, hopefully it will, soon enough. It would help.  In fact I have been whining and complaining all the time to my hubby the last couple of months (and I still do quite a lot) but for reasons I cant explain, I was wiping off my tears for quite some time.
.....
.....
.....
**** 6 ****
....
....
....
Sometimes I think it's good to not be able to do certain things. You start appreciating them more. For eg. when I was at home I never ate breakfast. I used to torture my mom for "good food"(Bah! what did I know then) and ate quite little and made a great fuss about food in general. Then after college I stayed in Chennai for a year while I was preparing for Gate Exams. I stayed in a hostel where the food was quite austere. I survived with just rasam and rice for most of the days. On some days my aunt used to send something to eat with this - fried fish or egg or something and it used to be a delicacy. I remember one particular incident which changed my perception about "good" food.- it is gross so if you want to skip the next para , please do.

In my hostel,there was this long bench in which every morning, the lunch items used to be kept .We used to fill our boxes in the morning. Once  , I saw another girl just in front of me take rice. I got a shock because there was a huge huge clump of hair in the rice. Our warden was sitting nearby. I thought this girl would freak out. (we had lots of rules about tying the hair when taking food so that a strand should not fall inside the food and now this happens)She stared at the warden removed that portion of the rice and then proceeded to fill her tiffin box. I was shocked. I would never have filled my tiffin, but the way she filled it made me feel that maybe, I was too finicky about food. After all, what about people who don't even get any food. There would be no lunch for me too if I didnot get this. I think the warden allowed us to take breakfast item as lunch that day.  But I learned to appreciate the food we get, better.
....
....
....
 **** ****

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Excerpts from my draft folder # 1, # 2 and # 3


 **** 1 ****
.......
.......
.......
Anyhow that's not what I was going to talk about.When I was there I saw two girls, maybe 12 and 10. The reason I noticed them was that their dress seemed far advanced for their age. If they were 16, they would have looked classy. But at their age, red pumps,mini skirts and a  look which I suppose was meant to be attitude, I did wonder about the reducing sightings of bubble frocks, colourful flipflops , high ponytails and the heart melting shy smiles.

Not that I don't see these, just their numbers seem dwindling so fast.

Sometimes I wonder, where does the fine line between giving your children the freedom of choice and limiting certain choices of your children lie?
.....
.....
..... 

**** 2 ****
....
....
....
Even before our marriage we had both agreed that our house wouldn't have any symbols of religions. A religion free house. Spirituality was always on the agenda, but religion was a big no. I know of many couples where one adopts the faith of others for "harmony" but I always knew it would never be my cup of tea. Both I and my hubby were extremely individualistic. We had enough understanding of our respective religions and were comfortable with it. My hubby refused and I knew even if I voluntarily adopted the faith for now, it would cause extreme harm later on, because I would never be comfortable with such a great compromise. It would surface some time or the other. My parents were especially more insistent on conversion, either my hubby to Islam or me to Hinduism citing reasons such as same community will make social life easier, decisions pertaining children easier, the lives of children easier etc. But instinctively I felt that would be the greatest blunder of our married lives. Harmony doesn't come from what we are outside, it comes from us being happy with the decisions we take , however difficult they may seem to others.For others a particular solution may be the best but if you are not inherently happy with it then it will only cause chaos in future. For me at least, the perfect solution seemed finding a new path rather than choose one and make one of the spouses compromise. Willing or not, I do not believe in unnecessary compromises, especially when only one of them has to make it.
....
....
....
**** 3 ****
....
....
....
That term when we got the results of our term papers, I saw to my great delight that for the very first time in my life I had scored 40/50 in Malyalam. My delight was apparent and my face lit up. I happily told her, this is the first time I have got 40 in Malayalam. I went back to my seat content and satisfied. For the first time my report card would show 40's in every subject. But it soon turned to dismay. When I re-counted my marks, I found that I had only 38. I counted more than twice and made my friend count it for me . But the result was the same. It was 38. The teacher had counted it wrong. With a heavy heart, I waited for her to finish giving out the papers and then I went to her and told her that I had only 38. She looked at me and counted my paper again - two times. Then she started reading out my essay once again and gave a +2 marks. and made my marks 40 again. I did not know what to do. Was it right? I did not move. Ultimately she got angry and told me to go back to my seat!!!!!

I don't know if it was cheating but it was sweet of her to give me those 2 marks. That was the only time in my life I got 40 in Malayalam.
.....
.....
.....
**** ****

Monday, May 26, 2014

Letters to my diary 26.05.2014

Dear diary,

I know; why write a letter when I can talk to you directly. But the truth is after that one entry I have never talked to you. But still I like to know that you are there. You represent something in my childhood. I cannot let you go, atleast not at present.

I have not been in a good place for the last few weeks. Aman is fine, and that IS a relief, but something was amiss and this friday I found out what it was.

This Friday was a very eventful day. I drove the car to office all by myself. The universe had cooperated and there was no traffic in the road that day. I didn't want to depend on others anymore. It was scary but I did it. And I discovered that I didnot like driving. I will do it out of necessity or as a life skill but I doubt if I would ever enjoy it. I like sitting in the side seat or behind seat of the two wheeler. I have many beautiful memories with my father, MGS and AG in their two wheelers.

As I told you ,I was not in a good place and it was affecting our lives. I was getting irritated very soon. I have a toddler, I cannot afford to have that low tolerance levels. I was getting tired too soon but the funny thing was I was not doing anything to get tired.  So I decided to search for some exercise routine. I prefer walking and to my delight found that there was a way to hire a treadmill. I called up and ordered one. It would have come on Saturday but we were not at home. Hopefully it will come within two days.

Friday evening, around 8:00 when we were all ready  to enjoy our weekend, we were rudely disturbed by a series of bell rings. I came out irritated to find our neighbor in the first floor covered with gashes and blood screaming "she is hitting my daughter, she is hitting my daughter". I had no idea what was going on. Terrified I ran up to find that it was a case of domestic violence. Both ways. The wife was covered with bruises as well. She was scared stiff. Diary, I dont want to write about it, both were feeling victimized. We dont know what was going on. We did what we could do to help them.

It is not a good feeling to see a family break diary. I know that their 8 month old daughter is going to grow without her father. He might have been a lousy husband (I don't know) but he was a loving father, it was apparent. How much terrible a incompatible relationship can be. But still parents say...''adjust. It will be ok''. How stupid. And you know what's more stupid."have a baby, it will mend the relationship". Having a baby can test your relationship like nothing else can. How can one advice having a a baby when there is no relationship at all.
I felt so bad for the child. I hope I can help her in some way.

Sorry diary, I cannot but blame the parents. The couple had gone for a mutual divorce before the baby. Guess who convinced them to be together and have a baby. Now the situation is worse. If only they had divorced then they both would have found happiness separately. And the poor baby. She might have been born in a happier family.

 That night I also found out that we had lost a friend for good. When you start feeling obligated to friend you know the friendship is dead. When you are afraid that you and your baby might be sleeping with a psycho and still you think  like ten times before asking the friend to sleep over you know the friend ship is dead. When you are involved in the life of someone you have no idea about,someone you have talked to for 3 or 4 times and don't think about it as a favor and at the same time when your friend helps but so reluctantly that you wonder why you are asking him..... you know a friendship is dead. And this friendship has been dying for quite sometime. I kept thinking that maybe it will be ok. Every relationship has ups and downs. But on Friday night I realized that it was gone.

Friendship is two way street diary. Infact all relationships are. You are there for a friend and the freind is there for you. It need not be one to one.It need not be then and there. We have high regards for each other. But there is no sense of obligation. If that comes, then it's gone. Maybe God will give us better friends. Maybe that's why this friend had parted ways.


Stopping for now...
I know it's melancholy but that's how I feel right now.

Love
Rahmath






Wednesday, May 14, 2014

May 15th.

My love My sweetheart,

You turn one tomorrow (InshaAllah). You were born at 10:10am. I remember how your Naini Ammooma had joyously cried out...."it's a boy". I was hazed and consciousness came and went. "What is that yellow, is it the mela...(something)?" she had asked."Is everything ok. I asked. Are you healthy? thats all I wanted to know....I asked more than once.

"Look this side" the doctor called out. The nurse was holding you . Black hair plastered, eyes closed. legs folded up, hands on your ears. Sweetheart you were beautiful. How big you are!!!! I wondered.

Then your ammooma took you away to show you to everyone waiting outside.

When conciousness came I was wheeled to the ICU. It was hot and I had begin to sweat. Then they bought you in. and snuggled you into the crook of my arm. I had such a feeling of comfort. Only your face and hands were visible. You were sleeping peacefully.

I thought I loved your feet when I saw you through the ultrasound but when I saw you hands I realised they too stole my heart. Long fingers and long fingernails. Sweetheart everything about you was perfect.

"Shahrukh's blood group has come , AB+ve, a nurse commented to the other nurses beyond my bed." They were talking about you my son. I smiled. Born diplomat were you? Neither chose the A+ve of your father nor the B+ve of your mother.... You chose us both. Thankyou.

Naini Ammooma was a doctor there and she pulled a bit of favor and bought your achan to see us both. Anxious he was, he came in to see us. The nurse took you to hand you over to your Naini ammooma, I wanted your achan to hold you first.Naini amooma intuitively knew that too. She looked at your achan. I wondered , How would achan react? Will he be afraid to carry you like many men? Would he refuse?. But no. He took you and held you as if he was born for that. Sweetheart you both looked so good together.You still do. I felt as if your bond was sealed at that moment.

Soon they came to wheel me to my room. They took you from me and I craned my head to see where you were. "Dont worry" a nurse who carried you, said. "He is coming with you."

Once in the room. you achan came running to me. "Do you know what our son's blood group is?" He asked, fully excited. I did not want to dampen his excitement even a bit so I pretended I did not know. I knew he wanted to tell it to me so much."It's  AB+ve. He chose both our blood groups.....little devil". I smiled again. Your achan and I sometimes have the same thoughts, even the same sentences, it is eerie.

You have given us a lot of happiness Amnu. Thankyou.

This one year has been beautiful.

We love you lots

Amma.






Sunday, May 4, 2014

Weekend Talks

Hello there,

How are you?
Are you fine?
Is life going good?
I am ok too.

Too many things happening. Changes taking place. Our mentor left our office for some many reasons. It was a very heartfelt moment. He taught us how a good boss should be. I should write a whole post about him.

I couldn't go to office after he left. Vavoo got a fever. For the first two three days, I was pretty cool. Children do fall sick. but when it didnot subside even after 3 days and started increasing ,then I became worried. Yesterday night was the worst. He was not holding any medicine inside. And suddenly I felt very very sad. I hope yesterday was the worst day. The fever has subsided as of now. We had to give pretty strong medicine. Blood tests results will come today evening. Please pray for him. Please pray that he is OK and that it's just a normal fever.


April was a very happening month for vavoo. He took his first steps. Now that he has learnt how to walk he walks all the time. He goes thathu buthu thathu buthu.... its such a nice feeling. It has become easier now too. He has began communicating more. The defiance streak is increasing well, there is still time to think about that. I am extremely proud of him. Yesterday he had to give blood. He cried only when they caught him( He hates to be held.) After that the person who took the blood thought vavoo will cry if he saw his face. But vavoo didnot. Vavoo knows it's not that person's fault. Sometimes I think vavoo knows so much. Now I cannot wait for him to talk.

Now the problem is which language will he talk?

Hindi?
English?
Malyalam?
Tamil?
or Marathi ?????

I think he understands hindi better. For yesterday I said "Amnu?; vellam????

which is water in malayalam. He clamped his mouth shut because he thought it was medicine.
Then I said... "Amnu?; Paani????

Paani is water in hindi and he opened his mouth in a sec.

It was the same with ''come here' also.

He doesnot respond too much to the "Inga vaa" that I say in Tamil. He looks at me and turns away doing whatever he was doing.

But when I say "Idhar Aavo" in Hindi, he squeals and comes running to me.

hmmmm...Maybe it's not defiance after all. The poor kid doesn't understand what I am saying.

Hindi it is then. :)

Hubby has come. Going for now....

Love 
Rahmath