Monday, May 26, 2014

Letters to my diary 26.05.2014

Dear diary,

I know; why write a letter when I can talk to you directly. But the truth is after that one entry I have never talked to you. But still I like to know that you are there. You represent something in my childhood. I cannot let you go, atleast not at present.

I have not been in a good place for the last few weeks. Aman is fine, and that IS a relief, but something was amiss and this friday I found out what it was.

This Friday was a very eventful day. I drove the car to office all by myself. The universe had cooperated and there was no traffic in the road that day. I didn't want to depend on others anymore. It was scary but I did it. And I discovered that I didnot like driving. I will do it out of necessity or as a life skill but I doubt if I would ever enjoy it. I like sitting in the side seat or behind seat of the two wheeler. I have many beautiful memories with my father, MGS and AG in their two wheelers.

As I told you ,I was not in a good place and it was affecting our lives. I was getting irritated very soon. I have a toddler, I cannot afford to have that low tolerance levels. I was getting tired too soon but the funny thing was I was not doing anything to get tired.  So I decided to search for some exercise routine. I prefer walking and to my delight found that there was a way to hire a treadmill. I called up and ordered one. It would have come on Saturday but we were not at home. Hopefully it will come within two days.

Friday evening, around 8:00 when we were all ready  to enjoy our weekend, we were rudely disturbed by a series of bell rings. I came out irritated to find our neighbor in the first floor covered with gashes and blood screaming "she is hitting my daughter, she is hitting my daughter". I had no idea what was going on. Terrified I ran up to find that it was a case of domestic violence. Both ways. The wife was covered with bruises as well. She was scared stiff. Diary, I dont want to write about it, both were feeling victimized. We dont know what was going on. We did what we could do to help them.

It is not a good feeling to see a family break diary. I know that their 8 month old daughter is going to grow without her father. He might have been a lousy husband (I don't know) but he was a loving father, it was apparent. How much terrible a incompatible relationship can be. But still parents say...''adjust. It will be ok''. How stupid. And you know what's more stupid."have a baby, it will mend the relationship". Having a baby can test your relationship like nothing else can. How can one advice having a a baby when there is no relationship at all.
I felt so bad for the child. I hope I can help her in some way.

Sorry diary, I cannot but blame the parents. The couple had gone for a mutual divorce before the baby. Guess who convinced them to be together and have a baby. Now the situation is worse. If only they had divorced then they both would have found happiness separately. And the poor baby. She might have been born in a happier family.

 That night I also found out that we had lost a friend for good. When you start feeling obligated to friend you know the friendship is dead. When you are afraid that you and your baby might be sleeping with a psycho and still you think  like ten times before asking the friend to sleep over you know the friend ship is dead. When you are involved in the life of someone you have no idea about,someone you have talked to for 3 or 4 times and don't think about it as a favor and at the same time when your friend helps but so reluctantly that you wonder why you are asking him..... you know a friendship is dead. And this friendship has been dying for quite sometime. I kept thinking that maybe it will be ok. Every relationship has ups and downs. But on Friday night I realized that it was gone.

Friendship is two way street diary. Infact all relationships are. You are there for a friend and the freind is there for you. It need not be one to one.It need not be then and there. We have high regards for each other. But there is no sense of obligation. If that comes, then it's gone. Maybe God will give us better friends. Maybe that's why this friend had parted ways.

Stopping for now...
I know it's melancholy but that's how I feel right now.



  1. Sometimes I feel we are blessed to be born into happy and normal households.

    1. I know, I felt so sad that day. I knew these things happened but to see it?!!!! how must it feel like to live it.


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