Monday, June 23, 2014

Live-in or marriage? Which is the better option & why?

If you had asked me this question 5 years ago I would have said diplomatically - "it's everyone's choice" and I would have thought - "My God, I would never live in".

Then I got married.
Ours was a inter religious marriage and in my religion if you are not marrying a guy of the same religion , you are not married at all. You are technically living "in sin". But then there is another clause too - "either the laws of the book or the laws of the land". For me the laws of the land was always more important. However when you are brought up giving enough importance to your religious scriptures, it is difficult to go against it. Not impossible- the logical mind always wins, but yes, difficult.

I was very much adamant about the Special Marraige Act. We had a ceremony of hubby's religion in the morning for his parents sake. For my hubby and his relatives, we were married. But until I signed that paper in the evening I couldn't consider the marriage to be legal. In my heart I was not married at all until that time.

Still it took some time for the rational mind to convince the irrational mind that I was not living "in sin". After two years of marriage I truly fell in love. I realized that love is the need that one feels for each other equally. And then one day , just like that. I realized that I no longer cared if I was living in sin or not. You know why? I realized that no paper defined the love and respect I had for my hubby. No  contract is going to tell me if I should live with him or not. It did not even matter anymore if I was married or not.
If someday some dictator came and made obsolete all the present marriage laws would present husband and wives suddenly decide they were no longer supposed to be together? Really? No . They would simply ignore these proclamations because marriage is not that legal contract. With time people realize that marriage was not that 7 rounds or "I do's" or "I accept's" (kubool hain), its what happens after that. That contract is just for security reasons. That function is just for social reasons and for satisfying that brainwashed mind of ours. As far as religion is concerned. The truly enlightened know these are but petty issues for God. We are all made by him.(if at all). He is the judge and not us. And that he doesn't need advocates.

There are many arguments for marriage and against live in like :
- Characterless people who flit from people to people have live in relationships.
- There is no commitment in live in relationship
- There is no security in live in relationship


If there is an option of divorce in the country laws, if there is an option of separation in the country laws how is marraige different from live in as far as the first two reasons are concerned? As far as security reasons are concerned, forgive me, I am a cynic. All the women I know, who have had the worst deals, are from the married category, especially the arranged marraige category. You know why? Because our system here says..."You are married,you stay married. WHATEVER HAPPENS." They is no option of walking out. There is a better chance of people walking out of bad live in relationships before it goes to the stage of bashing each other up.In fact  sometime i feel that parents will accept these girls back almost happy that they were right and thanking that the child had come back to the straight path and what not but not the married girls. For them it's "Adjust beta".

A relationship in which people are not committed, will not work whether you are married or not.
A relationship in which people are commited, will work whether you are married or not.

And sometimes a relationship will not work even if you are committed.  Isn't that the beauty of the human brain? There is no code which will work for all situations.

I know of relationships which stand the test of time without the requirement of that legal contract despite the tremendous social pressure. I know of relationships which breaks in a year or two despite being happily married initially.

Some people just don't need that assurance of that paper. Some people just have the guts to live their lives with their principles.

Which one is better you ask me???

Neither,
because a happy live in relationship is much better than a degrading married life.
A happy married life is much better than a degrading live in relationship.

Today If you ask me that question "Which is better? - A Live In relationship or a Married one.
I would say  " Whatever works the best for the couple."
And I would think " Whatever works the best for the couple".

14 comments:

  1. Nice post . You have beautifully pointed out the social stigmas attachewith live in & problems in marriage . Your last line is the best one :)

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  2. I admire you for writing this blog post. I saw the topic on indiblogger and have honestly not been able to pick one over the other. Interesting arguments.

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    1. Ultimately neither have I :). Thank you!

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  3. What are the arguments for live in and against marriage?

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    1. I have no arguments for live in and against marriage. As far as I can see both are ultimately one. It's just the social perception. I am sorry I am not able to explain more.btw, heard of Gandharva vivaham???

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    2. If you want you can go to the indiblogger.in page and see the posts. There are posts with arguments for live in and against marriage.

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  4. Yes,....WHATEVER WORKS THE BEST FOR THE COUPLE in question .
    Agreed.

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  5. Yes,
    agreed....whatever works for the couple ...live-in or marriage...is the best.
    You explained and then simplified.

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  6. Very true Rahmath, in the end all that matters is it should be a relationship that comforts and strengthens each other making life more meaningful.

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    1. :) yes hubby met this guy from denmark the other day. while talking he asked hubby whether he was married so hubby asked him back whether he was married. He said not, they are live in relationship and they had a 5 month baby. So hubby asked when are you coming next to india. He laughed comically ...saying "I came to India for 2 weeks when she was pregnant. Then now for 3 weeks. I don't think I will be coming back for a long time now." Tell me, how different is this scene from any married household?????

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  7. Candidly expressed, Rahmath. Valid points here.
    Commitment is essential.
    I had spoken to two ladies who have Inter-Religion-Love-Marriage & they too said the same. Do read my Post :)
    http://anitaexplorer.blogspot.in/2014/06/religion-no-bar.html

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    1. Thanks Anita, I did read that post. I do agree with most of what they said

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