Thursday, July 31, 2014


Today was my last day on the present company.  I was happy there and I am relieved to leave the with happy memories.  I need to join my new office after 4 days.  Only 4  , still i am happy . . . I feel so happy to not have to go to office tomorrow.  Feeling content.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Letters to my Dairy 23.07.2014

Dear Diary,
I was just reading Dr. Suess Quotes in good reads and what fun they are to read. This guy must be the greatest philosopher of his time. I hope Aman will be interested in reading. I will buy him all of Dr. Suess Books...

Just read these quotes.... ok

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”


“You are you that is truer than true”

I feel happy when I read them.

Yesterday Amnu's daycare was not there. So hubby took leave. BD the lady who is primarily responsible for Aman had gone to see her Father who was admitted in the hospital. She cam back today and I felt sad for her. Isn’t it difficult? She must so much want to be with her father but she had to come back because of her work. I shared it with hubby and he said we salaried people are in so much better place because at least we can take leave and go when we want. When you are having a business of your own it's not possible to do so. And yet we crib when we don’t get as much leaves as we want. I admire BD a lot you know. She is always cheerful. She has gone through a lot but instead of wailing and being a douche when troubles came she bucked up, pulled back her sleeves and did what she could do to fix it. And yet she is the most cheerful person I have met and no self-pity anywhere. I should be learning that from her. I have so many good examples around me and instead of looking at them I look at bad examples. Silly silly me.

Anyhow this thought led to another memory of a daughter in law who was not allowed to take care of her cancer ridden mother by her in laws. This lady belongs to a very very good family btw. She was reminded of her duties to her husband and children by her in laws. You know diary. I am a cynic about "Indian family values". We do have family values alright but nothing extra to harp about and this is the reason why.  I feel lots of our so called values are the luxury of the Indian man and his family. And mostly they are used against the women. Sorry but the stories I hear and my own experiences heard and felt are responsible for that.

I will give you an example ok. My mom had an operation so I went home to take care of her for 2 weeks. So in the end of the 2 weeks I was in my in-laws place when my grand aunt in law came visiting (She is a peach by the way and I am not sneaking on her. Just proving a point here). On course of our talking she said how great my parents in law are for allowing me to go to my home and take care of my mother so how thankful I should be for that.

Ok diary you know me very well and you know my first reaction. But then Better sense prevailed and I knew she was after all a product of her generation. And unfortunately Indian women are still regarded as the property of their in laws. So yes even the things which are their unquestionable right - well they have to receive it with tears of gratitude.

These things are experiences...experiences that an Indian man would never understand. At least a majority of them would not. Of course exceptions are always there.

 Recently I have begun to feel that marriage is a very important experience and yes it should be experienced, like Europe tour in the old classics. I used to wonder why all heroines go on tours, now I understand... Education. Marriage gives you so much new new things to learn and unlearn, it is very enriching. Marraige can break you or give you the courage to free yourself. And by the way only you have that power. Nobody else can free you. Similarly having a child is educational. Every, EVERY experience counts, if you want to make it count, that is.

Just things happening to you don’t count as experience unless you learn something productive out of it which will enrich your live in future.

An experience can make one more judgmental or less judgmental. I hope it's the latter for me.

Till the next time

Lots and lots of love

PS: This quote from Jane Eyre sums up my opinion about experience

“I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience"

PS; I wonder if that's where I formed my opinion on experience. Nah, it was from a Reader's Digest Quote from Quotable Quotes. Will try to find it.

Monday, July 21, 2014

9 favorite things

*My favorite Quote
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.- Mahathma Gandhi

*My Favorite lyric (ok one of the...)
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

*My favorite Book (Again one of the...)
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith.
(I have heard it being described as depressing. Till then I could only see the fortitude.)

*My favorite Quality 
(Ya, you can be hifi all that you want but I see that inherent kindness in you that wins my heart all the time.)

*My favorite Emotion
Love, ofcourse

*My favorite Sounds
Aman's laughter and Hubby's heart-beat. OK two of my favs. :)

*My favorite Disney movie
Series ok... Tinker bell

*My favorite Princess
on top of my mind.... Princess Fiona

*My favorite Board Game
Monopoly the simple one...

Friday, July 18, 2014

Letters to my Diary 18.07.2014

Dear Diary,
It's been sometime, hasn't it now? I hope you are doing fine. I think I am doing ok. I am having a good life. I must be doing OK.

Suddenly I remembered a blog post I read about Indra Nooyi's know that CEO of pepsi (something). Someone had written on the different "having it all" , like for how it might mean for different people.
What would my having it all be???? I wondered.

Right now... A flexible job, good health, time/energy to make cookies for Aman. A bit of time to pursue my other interests. I would like to join some spiritual program and spend 2-3 hours a week on seva sort of thing you know.

I wanted to work for 5 years and then go into the teaching field. Of course I have become disillusioned...yet I wonder...Am I walking the path I wanted to walk? They say men don't have a choice but to earn money. I don't think that's applicable to men only. As far as I am concerned my choices are as limited as my husband's as far as career is concerned.

Somebody said that at least women can sit in home if they don't want to work. I didn't agree then, I don't agree now. I don't feel as if I have a choice. I keep harping about it, about taking a break, but the truth is diary.... I dont think I have a choice. It's a dream that's all.

My education, My career .... it's my salvation. Do you get what I mean?

I used to pore the newspapers and see the ads for financial help when I was a kid. I decided when I grow up I will send money to them. Yes I still give charity but I don't  send money to those people in ads. I give amma some amount of money and strict instructions that it should be used only for educational purposes. In native place normally they give money for a girls marriage. But I refused to give for that.

Marraiges have become so commercial. The parents of girls do more than their means and all relatives help them out and the parents of guys know that and they ask for obscene amounts. I refuse to be a part of that. But yes, for education ... I will far as possible.... I will help.

I remembered an incident about Atha. I remember one mama telling it to someone. This is when we were very young maybe I was not even born. Mama  was going through some financial crisis and he didn't have money to pay for his sons fees. He sent for help to different people but help didnot come. In  the last day  he was extremely disturbed and he went for namaz. And at that time the postman came with the money order from my father.I think it was around 25 rupees or sometime at that time. You should have seen the way mama was telling about my father- with so much deference and my father, he had tears in his eyes when he heard mama speak thus. Maybe it's my fathers deeds that I , his daughter has always found help ...whenever I have needed it.

I need to do lot's of good deeds so that My son would find help too....

Diary, I feel very very tired. Weekends come and go too fast,
I wait for Fridays nowadays. But they go too fast.
No mood to write any more...

Will talk later ok...
I promise it will be a better mail.


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Rangoon Creeper speaks...

I saw her come one winter morning, she seemed disturbed. She had an infant in her hand. A huge lorry came and stood in front of the house gate and I knew this lady was here to stay. I wondered about them, just a bit; not much… after all I did grace their balcony. The owner of the house had planted me and I had grown and covered the arch. She opened the front door and smiled when she saw me. “I have always wanted my door to open to an arch and the arch to be adorned by creepers " , She said to her mate.

She would sit in front of me sometimes and delight in the sounds of the birds that took refuge in my arms. It seemed to make her happy and for my part I was glad that there were still these evolved apes who enjoyed the same things we did.

Spring came and I started my celebrations and put forth my buds inviting my friends all over. She was so ecstatic that I felt good.  It feels so good to be appreciated does it not? When just being there is enough for someone? I felt happy. One day she sat near me with her mate and started narrating incidents from her childhood. Somewhere, far away, she said, in her amma’s childhood home, beside the doorway there used to be two Rangoon creeper vines. They grew and adorned the canopy and would have such beautiful pale flowers that she would spend almost half her mornings just looking at them. Once though, she found that the vines had been cut and from then on, she had missed them in her life. I remember her exact words to her mate “I always wanted an arch in my dream home and I always wanted Rangoon creepers on that arch" And I was happy to hear that.

One day it rained heavily. It felt wonderful to wash the dust from my leaves and shed the old leaves which clung to my browned vines. But my happiness was marred a bit when I heard her friend complain about how dirty the front yard was because of me. All the dust in my leaves had made the floor muddy. Her friend wished I was not there. I saw my girl smile but I knew from her smile that it was not of acceptance. It was of incredulity from what was said.  She did not mind the muddy floor. My hurting heart calmed down. She liked me still. She was not a fair weathered friend.

Every night I flavor the air and when she comes to lock the gate she takes a moment to savor it. And in that moment we speak to each other. She thanks me…I thank her…

Monday, July 14, 2014

Is religion over rated?

Sometimes Yes...

When places of worship suddenly decide that visitors have to sign entry forms to declare one's devotion,

When loudspeakers are used to convey bhajan, ayats and other words which are meant for silent contemplation,

When people refuse to handle food meant for others just because it is against their religion,

When only certain aspects of religion is used to subdue women forgetting all other aspects of religion which actually affects other people positively,

When people use a holier than thou attitude and put other people down because their religious sentiments,

When public sentiments apparently get affected because someone somewhere did/said something about some religion and cause buses to be burnt, houses to be mobbed , children to be killed, people to be raped,

When happiness, contentment and peace is compromised because from our meager understanding of religion apparently one believes that God wants it to be so,

When signs of devotion become more important than devotion in itself,

When people are denied their due credit for their hard work and fortitude because only God could decree what ever good happened but the same people are admonished for their laziness if their endeavors are not successful,

When religion becomes commercial, people pester you with books and trinkets and then judge you because you don't want to support them,

When processions are carried out on any fine day and cause traffic jams, making life difficult for other people,

When night long prayers through the loudspeaker in full blast in residential places affects the peace of others and still no one has the guts to speak out because it is religious,

When people are not even willing to give the benefit of doubt to logical understanding and yet call you names /pray for your salvation/be condescending for actually having different opinions,

When visiting places of worship or doing certain religious actions becomes a status symbol, 

Yes, sometimes religion IS over rated by the people who follow them.

Written for IndiSpire topic "Is religion Over-rated? What's your take?"

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Weekend Talks 08.07.2014

- I just realized that the name of the post doesn’t make that much sense because I don't write it in the weekend. It's more about what happened during the weekend. Still the name sticks.

- This weekend I did something different. I went for a movie with my colleague. I needed a break desperately but did not want to send Amnu to the daycare. Hubby said that he would take care of him and that I should just go and enjoy myself. I have been hearing about the movie "Bangalore days" for quite some time now. So when opportunity came knocking I grabbed it. Of course as this is the first time I was doing something without hubby and baby I was thinking about them the whole time but we have decided that it would not do to confine ourselves just because we cannot do things together. So we have decided that we would go for an occasional movie with somebody else. Breaks are so much required to get our bearings and to get fresh.

- The movie was very nice. I was going to say that it showed that "Malayalam cinema" had arrived. But I won’t. Because it was always there. Malayalam cinema's mostly show real life. There is no over acting. The common man could identify himself with them. Like English Dramas. It was a wonderful movie about three cousins and their days in Bangalore where they get together at one point of life. I really enjoyed the movie. Wish hubby was there but maybe after some years when Aman begins to see movies.

- I am puzzled that Amnu doesn’t watch TV. We don't watch too still.... Aren't children supposed to like TV? I put TV and he sees it for some 2 sec. and then gets deviated. When others say how they keep their children quiet for some time in front of the idiot box I wonder, how come mine is not at all interested!!! I put Dora the Explorer and enjoyed it so much but my son was like.... "What’s Amma getting so excited about". I really liked Dora.

- I feel younger with each passing year when my horizons keep widening. However this time when BIl's came, I suddenly felt old. (These cousins of hubby are not that good for me. They make me feel old!!!!Hmmmm:) ) Anyhow they and their cousin were sitting in the back of the car and I and hubby were in the front seats. They were having so much fun talking and teasing that it reminded me of the times that I spent with my cousins. We now have families and we were never going to have night outs talking about life. Suddenly I felt old.

I don’t have a night out even with hubby nowadays. I am so tired nowadays - like ALL THE TIME.

- I am happy; this year I did three things already that I don’t do normally...
1. Wore sleeveless top and a palazzo pant. (Deviated from my normal style)
2. Went for a threading session (The second session should have been last month. But Lazy)
3. Went to see a Mallu movie with colleague.

I wonder if I would do more things which are a bit "hatke" from my usual mundane life.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Letters to my Diary 03.07.2014

Dear Diary,

My mind is cluttered and I think it's time for another de - cluttering session. My life is going on fine. Here the climate is ok now. the monsoons have reached Delhi. It seems. We got the electricity bill yesterday and we were happy it didn't cross 10000/-. I wont tell the amount but you can guess it's obscene.

Our lives have gone to the chaotic mode once again. I have no idea how. I have made my peace with a dirty house. Right now the priority is spend time with hubby and baby.

Right now we are going to different offices and it is advantageous. I come back home half an hour before hubby comes home and I spend that time with Aman exclusively. If Aman is sleeping then I do some house work in that time. We both, ie hubby and me, talk even more nowadays because there is something to talk. When we are in the same office there is not much news to share. We already know what's happening.

But yes the travel expenses have skyrocketed. I am spending almost 4000/- on auto and he also spends around 2000/- extra. I think it's time for us to sit down and budget.

Anyhow everything for this month more. Have given the paper.

Sometimes diary, I confess.... I don't know why I am working. I know my reasons and they are very good reasons but there are still moments when all those reasons seem shallow to me. I remember Rudyard Kiplings words in his poem "if"

"And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will that says to them: Hold on!''

That poem of his is so encompassing Dairy. Have you read it? Oh you have. I have read it out to you one day.

I wonder if Aman will have a diary too. I don't think so. He seems to be one of those people who would keep things very close to their heart. I must teach him to communicate the softer feelings in his heart. He is a happy child Diary. Yesterday I was changing sheets and he loved it and started playing inside the sheets. It took me back to my childhood when Atha used to change sheets and I loved playing inside the sheets at that time. I felt so blessed to have him yesterday.

The wish to have a daughter grows every day. Hubby had began talking about adoption too. How much ever I want it, it is a huge step diary; maybe bigger than our marriage itself. When the time comes, ya Allah I pray to you to give me the courage to make her mine. Let my fear not stop my heart from doing what is to be done. Let my resolve not waver. Let me not stop my daughter from coming to me. But there is still time for that. Will I change? Maybe I will.

Whatever happens, happens  for good and whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.

As I grow older I become more and more afraid. And I feel that's the way life is. As we grow older  we become weaker inside and stronger outside.Our emotional baggage becomes more. I read an article in Madh Mama 's blog in which she had used the term "Rinse and Repeat" when she talked about her relationship with her MIL. It's a good phrase.... "Rinse and Repeat"

I hope Aman will teach me what I am beginning to forget.

I was asked this weekend why I didn't want to leave India by someone with whom I had had a fierce debate on Indian's not having the patent in family values. I wonder now if he took it as if we didn't love our country. Well, I guess I cant do anything about it. I told him that just because other places have a better life opportunities does not mean I should be happy there and that My wanting to be in the same country as my parents was the only reason I was here. But when I started thinking about it, I found that the answer was not really that simple.

I don't think people take decision based on one fact alone. I like being here diary. whatever it is , it is my country. I had gone to sharjah for 40 days and I was tremendously homesick. I felt like an alien. Atleast this is my home. Whatever it is is home. When we went to Washington also, it was beautiful- no doubt; yet there was this fear.... and I had began to get homesick. Here there is familiarity. I guess it's the fear of unknown which prompts me to stay back.

Also now Aman is there. I don't want to do anything which will put him in a spot. He may adjust but I don't want any shocks for him.

It took 5 years for Gurgaon to feel like home. The funny thing is, I feel more at home in Gurgaon now than in Trivandrum. I guess it must be so when we move to another country too. Still until that push comes, I guess we will just stay put here. Why don't we try in Austrailia? why not Dubai? why not America? People ask.. I would love to visit ofcourse, but it just too far. Maybe if they invented teleportation. Then that would be nice.

Maybe I will stop now Diary,
It has become a long letter.
Thanks for listening.
I feel so much better now.


PS(added on 4th July). Another line to describe yesterday

"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowances for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about,don't deal in lies,"

I know what this means.... you know what this means..... hopefully everything will be ok.

talk to you later.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

I must remember....

- never to talk about "this generation children" in a derogatory manner.

- never to give unsolicited advice to others.

- never to talk how ungrateful children today are - for every one child who abandons their parents there are 10 who don't. When we talk about everybody in the same sentence, it is insulting no?

- not talk about the following topics
a) Hindi should be our national language. ( I disagree)
b) Any thing remotely religious to religious fanatics who have trouble accepting that other points of view may exist.
c) Women's place is in kitchen or teacher jobs or bank jobs (Again I disagree)
d) When people use the term "aping the west" for any kind of irresponsible behavior.
e) When anybody talks about family values and culture as if we are the ones who have copyrighted it.
I must remember that I am extremely passionate about the above topics and most of the time my passion kicks my reasonable arguments out which makes the entire debate fruitless.

- not to behave as a martyr. What has happened has happened. I must remember not to belittle myself by talking about it. I have heard others about how much difficulty they have faced and if it were not for them the whole world would have stopped revolving attitude. It is seriously the most bore thing to do. You lose respect ma. (these kind of talks should be extremely rare how much ever you are provoked into it)

- Never to give unnecessary extra information unless you are teaching someone something.

- never to doubt aman's love for us.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

4th Anniversary

1st of July
4 years.
tired wife
sick husband
baby cranky
all sleepy
anniversary gone
no cake
no celebration

chalo, No problem!

Most of the days are just as special :)

happy wife.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Quote on people from Google.

I read this Quote today in Google images when I typed "quotes on people"

"People said I have changed so much. Well here's the truth. I grew up. I stopped letting people push me around all the time. I learned that you can't always be happy. I accepted reality."

Well.... This pretty much sums up my last year. However, I hope I grow up even more and understand that the above was not true. And that that's not reality. Maybe next year I will identify with some other quote.

Weekend Talks 01.07.2014

- BILs' came last week. So most of the evenings we spent outside. We slept quite late also. Seriously sleep deprived.

- Aman got his first Metro ride and Rickshaw ride this Sunday. The boys wanted to eat from "parathawaali gali". So we went there. Had lots of varieties of parathas. Gobi (cauliflower), Mix Veg, Tomato, Cashew, Meethi Besan and Lady's finger. Had a nice time

- It was pretty HOT. Aman's foodings suffered but he did not seem to mind. He was curious and was looking around very quietly taking everything in.

- This weekend we actually saw Aman think. He was doing sometime when his eyes glazed for a min. looking at a random place intently and then he just kinda came back. I wonder what he was thinking.
I will say it once again. I can't wait for him to talk. God Bless him.

- We went to the National Museum after than. Aman loved the quietness a bit too much and started making excited noises. But after sometime he slept. After we covered the ground floor, I got tired. This always happens. Then we skip the first and second floor. This time hubby was enthusiastic and we saw the second floor which had the arms and military and North East culture exhibits.
I loved this model in which they are showing the life of a tribesman in which he collects toddy from the palm trees. Maybe I should do a separate post on my favorite exhibits.

- We had a very happy time but are exhausted now. Hopefully we will catch on our sleep this week.

-We bought marshmallows. I always wanted to eat them. But now that I have had them, I am wondering ...what's so great about them???? Maybe I had them in a wrong way. There were no instructions in the cover so we just ate them just like that. Are we supposed to roast them? If so for how much time????

- OK I just googled it. Will toast and see. Maybe I will microwave it :)

- We Saw the movie Queen this weekend. I was laughing hard all the time. Kangana Raunat has acted extremely well. It was refreshing.