Friday, July 4, 2014

Letters to my Diary 03.07.2014

Dear Diary,

My mind is cluttered and I think it's time for another de - cluttering session. My life is going on fine. Here the climate is ok now. the monsoons have reached Delhi. It seems. We got the electricity bill yesterday and we were happy it didn't cross 10000/-. I wont tell the amount but you can guess it's obscene.

Our lives have gone to the chaotic mode once again. I have no idea how. I have made my peace with a dirty house. Right now the priority is spend time with hubby and baby.

Right now we are going to different offices and it is advantageous. I come back home half an hour before hubby comes home and I spend that time with Aman exclusively. If Aman is sleeping then I do some house work in that time. We both, ie hubby and me, talk even more nowadays because there is something to talk. When we are in the same office there is not much news to share. We already know what's happening.

But yes the travel expenses have skyrocketed. I am spending almost 4000/- on auto and he also spends around 2000/- extra. I think it's time for us to sit down and budget.

Anyhow everything for this month more. Have given the paper.

Sometimes diary, I confess.... I don't know why I am working. I know my reasons and they are very good reasons but there are still moments when all those reasons seem shallow to me. I remember Rudyard Kiplings words in his poem "if"

"And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will that says to them: Hold on!''

That poem of his is so encompassing Dairy. Have you read it? Oh you have. I have read it out to you one day.

I wonder if Aman will have a diary too. I don't think so. He seems to be one of those people who would keep things very close to their heart. I must teach him to communicate the softer feelings in his heart. He is a happy child Diary. Yesterday I was changing sheets and he loved it and started playing inside the sheets. It took me back to my childhood when Atha used to change sheets and I loved playing inside the sheets at that time. I felt so blessed to have him yesterday.

The wish to have a daughter grows every day. Hubby had began talking about adoption too. How much ever I want it, it is a huge step diary; maybe bigger than our marriage itself. When the time comes, ya Allah I pray to you to give me the courage to make her mine. Let my fear not stop my heart from doing what is to be done. Let my resolve not waver. Let me not stop my daughter from coming to me. But there is still time for that. Will I change? Maybe I will.

Whatever happens, happens  for good and whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.

As I grow older I become more and more afraid. And I feel that's the way life is. As we grow older  we become weaker inside and stronger outside.Our emotional baggage becomes more. I read an article in Madh Mama 's blog in which she had used the term "Rinse and Repeat" when she talked about her relationship with her MIL. It's a good phrase.... "Rinse and Repeat"

I hope Aman will teach me what I am beginning to forget.

I was asked this weekend why I didn't want to leave India by someone with whom I had had a fierce debate on Indian's not having the patent in family values. I wonder now if he took it as if we didn't love our country. Well, I guess I cant do anything about it. I told him that just because other places have a better life opportunities does not mean I should be happy there and that My wanting to be in the same country as my parents was the only reason I was here. But when I started thinking about it, I found that the answer was not really that simple.

I don't think people take decision based on one fact alone. I like being here diary. whatever it is , it is my country. I had gone to sharjah for 40 days and I was tremendously homesick. I felt like an alien. Atleast this is my home. Whatever it is ...it is home. When we went to Washington also, it was beautiful- no doubt; yet there was this fear.... and I had began to get homesick. Here there is familiarity. I guess it's the fear of unknown which prompts me to stay back.

Also now Aman is there. I don't want to do anything which will put him in a spot. He may adjust but I don't want any shocks for him.

It took 5 years for Gurgaon to feel like home. The funny thing is, I feel more at home in Gurgaon now than in Trivandrum. I guess it must be so when we move to another country too. Still until that push comes, I guess we will just stay put here. Why don't we try in Austrailia? why not Dubai? why not America? People ask.. I would love to visit ofcourse, but it just too far. Maybe if they invented teleportation. Then that would be nice.

Maybe I will stop now Diary,
It has become a long letter.
Thanks for listening.
I feel so much better now.

Love
Rahmath


PS(added on 4th July). Another line to describe yesterday

"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowances for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,
Or being lied about,don't deal in lies,"


I know what this means.... you know what this means..... hopefully everything will be ok.

talk to you later.














4 comments:

  1. Your electricity bill is close to 10000!!!!!! Is it you or is it that costly in Gurgaon??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is us actaully. Its pretty hot here. And as aman was not well, the doc adviced us to keep him in a constant cool temp.so the ac was on morn and night for like 2 weeks. Also we do use lots of electronics. And I think gugaon is a bit costly . On top of that I also thing we pay the rate of the higher tariff as the bill comes for 4 houses together and we pay according to the amount we used which we calculate from our sub meters

      Delete
  2. It is always hard to imagine moving to a new place and feeling at home or at least make it a second home, but with technology, things are a lot better, I dont know how I would have managed without Skype for instance, As for the teleportation option, I really could use that :)
    De-cluttering the mind always rejuvenates us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They should invent teleportation soon. Hubby believes it will the land rates will stabilize if it is invented.

      Yes, I always feel so much better after a de-cluttering session mental or material:)

      Delete

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
You made my day :)