Friday, July 18, 2014

Letters to my Diary 18.07.2014

Dear Diary,
It's been sometime, hasn't it now? I hope you are doing fine. I think I am doing ok. I am having a good life. I must be doing OK.

Suddenly I remembered a blog post I read about Indra Nooyi's know that CEO of pepsi (something). Someone had written on the different "having it all" , like for how it might mean for different people.
What would my having it all be???? I wondered.

Right now... A flexible job, good health, time/energy to make cookies for Aman. A bit of time to pursue my other interests. I would like to join some spiritual program and spend 2-3 hours a week on seva sort of thing you know.

I wanted to work for 5 years and then go into the teaching field. Of course I have become disillusioned...yet I wonder...Am I walking the path I wanted to walk? They say men don't have a choice but to earn money. I don't think that's applicable to men only. As far as I am concerned my choices are as limited as my husband's as far as career is concerned.

Somebody said that at least women can sit in home if they don't want to work. I didn't agree then, I don't agree now. I don't feel as if I have a choice. I keep harping about it, about taking a break, but the truth is diary.... I dont think I have a choice. It's a dream that's all.

My education, My career .... it's my salvation. Do you get what I mean?

I used to pore the newspapers and see the ads for financial help when I was a kid. I decided when I grow up I will send money to them. Yes I still give charity but I don't  send money to those people in ads. I give amma some amount of money and strict instructions that it should be used only for educational purposes. In native place normally they give money for a girls marriage. But I refused to give for that.

Marraiges have become so commercial. The parents of girls do more than their means and all relatives help them out and the parents of guys know that and they ask for obscene amounts. I refuse to be a part of that. But yes, for education ... I will far as possible.... I will help.

I remembered an incident about Atha. I remember one mama telling it to someone. This is when we were very young maybe I was not even born. Mama  was going through some financial crisis and he didn't have money to pay for his sons fees. He sent for help to different people but help didnot come. In  the last day  he was extremely disturbed and he went for namaz. And at that time the postman came with the money order from my father.I think it was around 25 rupees or sometime at that time. You should have seen the way mama was telling about my father- with so much deference and my father, he had tears in his eyes when he heard mama speak thus. Maybe it's my fathers deeds that I , his daughter has always found help ...whenever I have needed it.

I need to do lot's of good deeds so that My son would find help too....

Diary, I feel very very tired. Weekends come and go too fast,
I wait for Fridays nowadays. But they go too fast.
No mood to write any more...

Will talk later ok...
I promise it will be a better mail.


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