Monday, May 23, 2016

Summer rain

When the heat becomes unbearable I wait for a summer rain.
When my plants start wilting for the want of their mother's love, I wait for a summer rain.
When the dust is more, when the thirst doesn't wane.
When days brighten too soon....
I wait for a summer rain.

And today it came.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Letters to my Diary 21.05.2016

Dear Diary,

I spent sometime going through my posts. I do that sometimes now a days. I am getting a lot of page views suddenly. I am not sure why. Is someone out there reading my posts? Or is it some software glitch. Anyhow it is still encouraging, and it makes me want to write even more.

Last sunday we celebrated Aman's birthday. Really celebrated. We had not done so before. We did not buy many gifts but Aman got a lot of them. So in a way it worked out well. But the thing i was happy about was that, we celebrated on Monday as well. In his daycare; with his friends. And he was happy. I know he was happy.

I blew a lot of balloons for him on his birthday and filled his small play area with balloons of all colours. He was very happy and I was happy with him.

He is such a sweet child ; Aman is.

This week for the first two days , he cried while going to B didi's house. The third day he didnot cry. I was surprised . Then didi told me that Aman has kept his promise. Apparently he had promised her that he wouldn't cry anymore. And I was proud that my son kept his promises. Ofcourse we also almost never break our promises to him . Neither does B didi.

Tomorrow we have to go to walking at 5:30am. I find it a bit unreasonable . However I do want to get into the habit of walking once again. Deepu has come for babysitting Aman. Its so hot so I am grateful that he has come despite the fact that we don't have an extra ac. I would like to go for the walk with hubby. Its a long time since we did such things together.Its also time to buy an ac.

Read "The murder of Roger Arcoyd". I think I have been reading a bit too much of agatha christie because i got an idea, then it went , then again it came again. It was interesting. I should say more else it may spoil the book for you. However, the words which made the book precious was not those written by Ms christie. K had written some words before he gifted the book to me and hubby. Somehow it just made my time in my previous company worth it. If I can meet one such person in every office I work, then whatever happens I think I will be a happy soul in the end.

I will stop now. I am tired. Will talk tomorrow.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Life Lessons - The one with the donkey, man and son.

Today I am reminded of the story of the donkey, the man and the son. Do you know that story?
In case you don't, then this is how it goes.

One day  a man and his son were going to the market with their donkey. On their way they passed someone villagers and they said "How silly these two people are . At least one of them could sit on the donkey and reach the market without getting tired.

Hearing this the man told his son to sit on the donkey.

After sometime they passed some other villagers and they heard one of them remark.

"What kind of a son is this to make his father walk while he sits on the donkey very happily"

Hearing this the son felt very bad and got down and told his father to get on to the donkey.
After sometime they passed another set of villagers. By this time it was noon and the boy was quite red under the sun.

"Surely that man on the donkey is not the boy's father. Would a father not see his son's discomfort?

Now the boy and his father were perplexed. So ultimately they decided that both of them would sit on the donkey for the final stretch to the market.

They had almost reached there when the fourth group of villagers met them.

"Look at these two. Don't they have any kind of consideration for the donkey."


So. why did I remember this story now out of the blue????

To remind me of the life lessons hidden in the stories from my childhood.

You cannot please everybody. The displeasure may be targeted to hit many parts of our self, intelligence, respect, love and even empathy- something we all want to have. However it is always preferable to be comfortable in what you are doing. The mistake of this father and son was that they gave the power of judgement to other people. People who don't even matter.

I dont remember if this story is form the Panchatantra or Aesop's fables. But wherever they are from, I am glad I read them when I was a child. And I should remember to read them even more now.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Weekend talks 14/05/2016

Today I went to abhishek bachchan's page. Somebody was liking his pictures a bit too much and as I really had nothing to do, I went ..... and I enjoyed looking through the pictures . Not because he was a star or I am a fan or anything. just it felt very nice to see mundane pictures which are so important to him. They were  very normal pictures you know and I really liked it . It was as if you were seeing the pictures of a good friend....someone you know ...

And I wondered

Maybe I should imagine I am a star and start putting up pictures for my imagined fan base somewhere out there. Because it felt like a very fun thing to do.

Atha called right now. I had asked him to try to arrange food for an orphanage on Aman's birthday. It was done for his first birthday. I think for his second birthday too. I have always wanted to do that atleast once a year.  Now that father is there, my wish becomes reality.

Tomorrow is Aman's birthday. I want to do somethings nice. I have prepared nothing. Just slight ideas. But I hope we will celebrate it well. I want it to be a special day for Aman. especially now that he has began to understand and want things.

Tomorrow is the day I became a mother three years ago. I want to be a good mother to Aman. A kind mother. But not someone with whom his wife will have to compete. I don't want to be a mother who is so entwined with my child that when the time comes, I have problems with the natural course of life. I want to be the mother who always puts his needs before mine. And I want to be a good wife too.

Why am I  telling all this to you? I wonder. I just miss the person I was before May 2013. The kind soul who always put others wishes before hers, who forgave people if they hurt her, and who could still be good towards people who believed bad of her. I dont know where she went. I simply cannot find her anymore. I have tried and tried and tried but sometimes I despire if I have lost her for good.
I miss her so much.

Hubby is making Dosa for me. I intend to eat them with podi. I like that combination.Sleeping Aman seems to be getting disturbed by my typing. Time to tune off...

Thanks for listening..
lots and lots of love Rahmath

Friday, May 13, 2016

Letters to my diary 13/05/2016

Dear diary,

Office is stressful. But the positive side is, I am enjoying the work. It is quite challenging. It is interesting. I have had the good fortune of doing variations of the same thing which helps me do some comparison studies and help me understand the behavior of the structure. I am doing a 3D portal frame with different support conditions. Yes, it certainly is interesting.

I have come to a theory . I have always believed that it takes at least 6 months to settle into a new place. I have developed a new theory now of two years. First six months you see all that you agree with the place. Then the next six months you start finding differences and all that you don't agree. Then six months will pass in your making an attempt to make peace with it. If you cant make peace, then the last six months will determine if you will search for a new place.

My first two six months have passed. Now the third six months will make me try to make peace with the situation. I think I will be able to. As long as I get similar interesting work.

I have also made peace with the fact that I am a fighter. I am not going to win awards for good behavior. But I will certainly have the reputation of being dependable. And I think I am quite happy with that. There are too many good people in the industry anyway.

Am I talking like Elsa????

Hubby has come from office.
Will talk later
lots of love

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Letters to my Diary 01/05/2016

Dear dairy,

I talked to atha today about my work , stress ,money. He told me not to bother about the increment, not to take unnecessary stress , not to think too much else it will harm us only. Important things like aman and hubby ,,, and myself  that's the thing to concentrate. Just keep doing the work properly as i always did and wait for next year. I am bit frustrated about how things are anyhow mostly its fine so i guess i should not bother much about it.

Aman has started school and he is doing good. He had a phase suddenly in which  he hated school. We had a feeling that he was being pushed around by someone and one day he told hubby that he was. We told his didi's in school about it. They were handling it unfortunately the boys who were bullying Aman were his friends so they were dealing with it a bit carefully because somehow aman ends up going to them himself. But our talk did good. He was a bit aloof; now he is integrating with his group more.

Aman is growing up at a pace which is breathtaking. And with him we are growing too.  Our growth as parents, as people has become exponential these past few weeks. we can choose out friends but we cant choose aman's . we are forced to go beyond our comfort zones for him and yes, it is a good expereince. Aman is growing and we are growing with him.

Every week aman's favourite songs change. It used to be ABC last november, then wheels on the bus go round and round. Today it was different.Some how I am not able to remember the song now!!!!

Hubby and I bought a coulouring book fro mindfulness. Hubby bought it for him actually. It has some 50 designs for adults actually. Like a stressbuster. And i am using it more than hubby. I would have chosen nature ,, hubby chose vintaage designs. Anyhow there are some vines and flowers in it too. I like green colour now more. Figures actually. It's a colour which is a bit lacking in Gurgaon. Atleast the part i frequent. Thank god for my rangoon keeper.

In the last 1 week we sent aman's school out family pic, my old dupatta , and hubby old t shirt and swimming shorts for Aman. Sometimes I wish I could see what Aman is doing at school. It must be so much fun. I ask aman everyday what he did at school. The answer is same "I played". And then I ask what did he play and he says "With toys". thats it. nothing more nothing less. At this point of my life i envy the parents with children who talk a lot. Aman talks but he compartmentalizes. Knowing his father its no surprise. I  remember in college hubby used to be someone who once at college never talked about home and when at home dissappeared from college circle. It changed of course with due time.

Days are getting very hectic. Aman's school will close in May for 2 months. It will be difficult for him to go to this day care for full day now i think. Lets see. I wish I was working part time.

One day I wanted to spend sometime with Aman, I took leave. I dropped him in school. Talked to some parents while i was waiting for him to settle down without having to worry about goign to office. The reached home, did some work then left again for his school . Brought him back. Ate food together. took a nap and when hubby came home i could do his chores and not be tired which meant hubby got some time off as well. it was nice.

Chalo, I have to go right now. No time for doing spell check...

Lots of love