Saturday, May 14, 2016

Weekend talks 14/05/2016

Today I went to abhishek bachchan's page. Somebody was liking his pictures a bit too much and as I really had nothing to do, I went ..... and I enjoyed looking through the pictures . Not because he was a star or I am a fan or anything. just it felt very nice to see mundane pictures which are so important to him. They were  very normal pictures you know and I really liked it . It was as if you were seeing the pictures of a good friend....someone you know ...

And I wondered

Maybe I should imagine I am a star and start putting up pictures for my imagined fan base somewhere out there. Because it felt like a very fun thing to do.

Atha called right now. I had asked him to try to arrange food for an orphanage on Aman's birthday. It was done for his first birthday. I think for his second birthday too. I have always wanted to do that atleast once a year.  Now that father is there, my wish becomes reality.

Tomorrow is Aman's birthday. I want to do somethings nice. I have prepared nothing. Just slight ideas. But I hope we will celebrate it well. I want it to be a special day for Aman. especially now that he has began to understand and want things.

Tomorrow is the day I became a mother three years ago. I want to be a good mother to Aman. A kind mother. But not someone with whom his wife will have to compete. I don't want to be a mother who is so entwined with my child that when the time comes, I have problems with the natural course of life. I want to be the mother who always puts his needs before mine. And I want to be a good wife too.

Why am I  telling all this to you? I wonder. I just miss the person I was before May 2013. The kind soul who always put others wishes before hers, who forgave people if they hurt her, and who could still be good towards people who believed bad of her. I dont know where she went. I simply cannot find her anymore. I have tried and tried and tried but sometimes I despire if I have lost her for good.
I miss her so much.

Hubby is making Dosa for me. I intend to eat them with podi. I like that combination.Sleeping Aman seems to be getting disturbed by my typing. Time to tune off...

Thanks for listening..
lots and lots of love Rahmath

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