Saturday, December 24, 2016

Letters to my Diary ....or Blog????? 24.12.2016

Dear Blog

I started this as a dear diary post, the ones I post under letters to my diary. Then a conversation came to my mind, in which was remarking to JNT that i should start writing diary in the coming year as i feel much calmer when i write it. So he said you mean blog? I said " no, diary",
"blog diary?".
No actual book diary ...i assert.
The thing is my dear blog, I do write a lot in you. I think i am very very comfortable in expressing my emotions. I am not afraid. But still there are thing ...things you cant ...shouldn't put in the public domain, it may hurt others very personally. But the things need to be said no. Hence the diary.

This year has been a roller coaster of a year.I don't even remember how it started. I think in Jan Cousin in law hereby just called D landed. He stayed with us a some time before he found a place. In our mundane fast life even that was a huge difference. Then my sister came for the first time in last 5 years, and we went on a trip. A proper family trip. A signal that everything was finally normal in my life. I enjoyed the trip very very much indeed. We went to Missouri. I loved robbers cave. It was beautiful, felt very mystical going through it. I guess it was the highlight of the first quarter.

April stared with Amans school. technically he started in the end of march,,,,still....
Aman got settled very easily initially. even though we did wait fro two full days. just in case. Aman's growth this year was exponential. I think i have recorded it somewhere here itself. He started the school with small full sentences. In the last six months , he has GROWN. he argues, negotiates and philosphates. if thats a word. Initially I was a bit apprehensive as he never shared anything what happened in school . Even now he doesn't but some days, sometimes when his energy is more of a calm kind and I can somehow keep him by my side and talk  he shares amazingly....I am proud of him...

Initially I always thought that hubby would be the spoiling parent and I the one who set the rules. Initially it was so... but slowly the balance is shifting. I have the feeling that yes...i am the parent who will be the lenient one. I guess I will hand over  the fun but strict mantle to his father .

This is a topic i can keep writing about ..wont by the way. But i really really should start recording what aman says sometimes. But sometimes i wonder if in a few years time,if he will feel that i have abused his privacy. He is already a very private child. His father is an extremely private person too, unlike me who is very free with espressing the emotions, whatever it may be( I have my limits by the way but i have found out that my bar is a bit higher. Not nill though as some people assume)

Aman had leave on May. His grandparents came for some days to give company. But mostly he went to daycare. It becoming more and more difficult to send him to day care.

June was brother in law's marraige. Welcomed my sister in law home. We also shifted houses. Our new house was bigger independent house with lots of space in the front and back. Not many drawbacks.Only bearable ones

July they all came to gurgaon. We went to shimla. The original trip was to kashmir for HKs wedding. However because of the clash, no body could attend the wedding. The wedding took place somehow by the way and I am so happy for her. You know some people who deserve to be happy? Yes she is one of them.

Shimla trip was very good too.. I like to go to trips with my in laws. Rather than always go to TVM, I feel that once a trip should be there. Something weird happened in that trip though. Not weird at all if you think about it. I wish I could share .... again not here another blog in another name....

August was fine ...But hubby got Chikangunya. And that is a baaaaaad disease. It is extremely painful. And i prayed to god that aman doesn't get it. Thankgod neither of us did . If i had also got chickengunya i dont know how we would have managed. Looking at our track record, we would have managed however, thank god...thank god.

Nothing happened in September or did it???? October MIL and FIL came to visit. Did I tell the second BIL joined here near our house for MBA. it didnot make a difference because the fellow was extremely busy upto november. But then it was nice when he came home in between.

November we wen to Bangalore. Father finalized the gift deed. Need to do so many things next year. I may have to make dead lines and submissions and all those things now. Again IGW, the day after tomorrow we are going to go to Kolkatta for a short trip. Will tell about it after it finishes.

I feel overwhelmed my dear blog,as if I have so much to say....This year has been eventful. I havenot told about the unsuccessful though successful blood donation trip i made. I started Yoga. Better I inspired hubby to do Yoga as well. I lost 4 kilos.I read some books. I read Mrs. Funny bones by Twinkle khanna today.  Hopefully i wont gain too much soon.Workwise i am still cofnused. Started my chartedship....

I have so much to say on that.

Will be back....

The more people I am connected with, the more lonely I feel.strange

Friday, December 9, 2016


"250" said the man behind the counter.
Gayathri fumbled through her purse and shelled out the money. It was almost 6 months since she came to Gurgaon. Still she couldn't believe the prices here. "250 for a coffee and cake." "My God" she thought. But what to do, she wanted a bit of snack then.
She turned back fondly thinking about the prices in Trivandrum and she unknowingly bumped into the guy standing just behind her.

Oh. sorry sorry sorry ...she muttered and looked up. She saw a guy... His face flushing the moment she looked at him. His blushing confused her and she literally ran out of the door.

"What a guy yaar. You would think he has not met any girls before. Unknowingly if you bumped into him whats there to be this embarrassed." Her colleagues remarked disdainfully. Somehow that remark disturbed her.

While walking back to the office for some reason she remembered her Appa. Her Appa had passed away three years ago. She remembered that day vividly. Somehow she knew that it was the end. Somehow she knew already. She was standing outside his hospital room staring straight ahead in her own world trying to come in terms with a possible world without him. She did not know what to do. Suddenly she felt somebody's eyes on her and saw a boy looking at her. It irritated her. Even at this time ...even at this time.... This is a hospital for god's sake. She thought. She remembered an incident where her Appa had almost taken his stick to chase a classmate who had been loitering outside their house and she smiled and then her eyes welled up.

She went in and sat near her father's bed. He was sleeping. Calmly... At least he is calm, she thought. At least there seems to be not much pain and there was yesterday. She took his hand and pressed it against her cheek."Appa... Appa ... she thought who will chase guys away now...How can I live without you? How can Amma live without you? How will I give her courage when my own is failing? Appa who will make me laugh like you do ? Appa ...Appa...."

"Its him"

"huh... what Appa???" Gayathri opened her eyes. Her father was looking at her fondly and smiled. Slowly his hand went over her head as if to bless her. Then he took a deep breath and went back to sleep. Her mother came and sat besides him then and Gayathri sat on the sofa looking at them both.

She wondered at the strength of her mother. Her mother was taking care of her father as if he was unwell and he will be ok soon. It was as if she wanted every minute with him in this world to count. She did not cry. she did not burden Appa with her sorrow. She just loved him. Almost like a child.

Her parents were not very demonstrative but in the last few months she thought she knew what love was. She wondered if she would ever find someone who loved her like her Appa loved her Amma...

Three years ago. How much things changed. She left Trivandrum. She came to Gurgaon. Got a job as a secretary.  She was glad. Her mom did not come with her. Maybe in a year or two she had said. Anyhow it was a different life altogether. And in a way she was glad of the distraction. It was very painful back home.

That evening while she was coming out of her office building she saw him again. "Oh he is in my office??? she thought. Her office was so big , she did not know half the people there. Anyhow it was only 6 months since she joined."

"Looks like a South Indian.  she thought and it piqued her interest.
ha... he is malayalee....
Hmmm wonder where is he from....
What a nice laugh he has...."

Suddenly he turned and looked directly at her. Now it was her turn to blush .She then walked straight to the cab. But in the rear mirror she saw he was smiling looking quite pleased about something.

********** 8 years later*******

"My God, why cant he give this shirt away???!!! Its faded and it has been washed so many times.
But no...her husband wouldn't hear of it. He valued that faded red shirt A LOT.

She folded it and kept it along with his other T shirts and looked at the boxes of items still to be unpacked form their latest move. He mother was also there. Both grandmother and grand daughter were looking at old photographs. How she would have loved if her father was there too. It had always pained her that she couldn't have his blessings. Her marriage somehow felt incomplete.

She looked at the photo of her father hanging on the wall. Her daughter Appu, was a splitting image of her grandfather. except for her laugh. That she got from her own father.

"Ammaama look at this small girl laughing. How cute she is looking na. Just like me."

Appu laughed happily. Gayathri's mother looked at the old photo in Appu's hands.

"Oh it is your mother only, Appaapa was making her laugh. Appaapa could make your Amma laugh every single time. even when she was very very sad when her dahlia plants died. No body could ever make her laugh like that"

"No no Ammamma. I have seen Amma laugh the same way in one more photo." Appu claimed and started rummaging the stacks of old photo graphs again. This time she bought up an old photo from her husband's stack of pictures, clicked durign one of the office functions ". It was a snap shot at Gaythri laughing. The person who was making her laugh was faced towards her and his face was not visible in the photo.

Gayathri wondered at who this person was who had made her laugh the same way as Appu claimed. and looked at the photo again. And instantly she recognized the red shirt he was wearing. She had just folded it and kept it inside the cupboard.

Suddenly she remembered her husband mentioning that he had seen her the first time in the hospital.
With a shock she looked at her father and his last words suddenly made sense to her"

"It's him"

Her hands unknowingly went to her head where her father had blessed her.

Her father had already blessed her , even before she had met Ajay.

Its him... Its Ajay.