Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Random thoughts

-I hope atleast today I  am able to post something as Aman is watching video, I don't have much house work and hubby is late from office.So maybe , just maybe, I may be able to put down some thoughts after all. I thought I will write under the title "De-cluttering thoughts" but somehow , what I want to say is not for the De-cluttering process. Its more scrap book material. So changed the title.

-Aman has started asking questions about deaths . It was inevitable seeing someone very close to him passed away this May. He suddenly asked me where did batman's parents go?. I replied that a bad uncle killed them. I decided to tell the truth rather than lie. He asked me where and when. I replied dutifully. He asked me if they were in the hospital. I told they they had become "pari" or angels. He said " pari tho meri achchi friend hain. Woh tho babitha didi ke yahan hoti hain"
and thankfully the conversation ended there when he decided he would rather see youtube videos than ponder over the mysteries of life and death.

- It is my greatest fear that I or hubby or both will die and leave Aman an orphan. I think children deserve love from their parents. I think its their birthright. Please ya Allah , bless us that we are always able to be there for Aman atleast until he becomes a man and finds someone who loves him even more than we do.

- I have realized the value of our life depends so much on how much people love us. When I was a kid, the thought of my death did not scare me much. It did not even occur to me. However I was crazily afraid of my parents dying or leaving me. My life had no value for me. When I was around 15, one of elder sister's classmate died and she told of how his parents were devastated. I didn't want my parents to go through that hurt and my life began to have some value. I got married and initially I thought even if I leave the earth my husband would definitely find love again, but as the years passed , I realized that there was no one who could see him the way I did and if I left, a part of him would die too. The value of my life increased a bit more. Now I have a son and I pray to god to keep both me and hubby safe as our life has been even more valuable. And I have realized the ultimate truth. Our life is only as valuable as the love we are capable to feel and share.

-I think my present company has finally thought me how to have work life balance. I always pride myself that I am good in planning and am quite efficient in my work. I made sure through my capabilities to always finish my work in time and leave for home. Ofcourse, when project submissions were there, it was different. However, recently, I was beginning to feel that all that I prided may infact be the the road to my down fall. I was somehow always pushed aside when good projects came. (All work is good ofcourse ,I mean prestigious ones.) I understood that ultimately, it seems, a good resource is only one who stays late. It does not matter if I finish my work in time. I should be a good team player and take more work and stay late. So you see, it does not matter at all. All this efficiency talk seems to be on paper. Perceptions are hard to fight and I am beginning to feel bogged down. It bothered me for a while but then I did something. I just changed the definition of my success. I decided for me having a good life was success. For me , coming home to my son a the right time was success. So I have decided to let go of my perceived office snubs. Projects will come if they have to come. And I am happier for it.

- I guess that's enough thoughts for today. I feel like writing but I have no thoughts left. Hubby just reached . Perfect.


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Letters to my Diary 27.07.2017

Dear Diary,
I am feeling very disturbed today. I think its because there is a small warning in my sub conscious mind. Today the guy who owns our neighborhood house was sitting outside. They are renovating that house. It was he who ordered his servant to cut of our electricity. Apparently he is going to move in now. To have such criminal people near us is not a happy prospective to me. We don''t have any kind of words with this man or anyone remotely connected to him. However, i cannot keep the extreme anger I feel away from my face. They are bullies and they like it when people are afraid of them. I don't like living like that. He may not do anything but he was looking at me when I went and came back from calling Aman. And he sits right outside our house so its difficult not to look at him. And somewhere I am worried.

We have extended our house agreement for one more year. The house is really good and I am extremely happy with it. Really there seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with it now. The lack of storage space has infact helped my reduce stuff and I feel so relieved. I just remove stuff as much as possible. Its not that we have become minimilistic. However, things are reducing. I can see. So much more to do. But the habit is slowly being established. I did buy 3 dresses but they were more for specific purposes and I hope to continue the trend for not buying dresses this year unless extremely required.Hubby is getting on board too. Need to bring Aman in too.

Office is going on. I am not sure how so wont comment on it. Anyhow there is enough doom in the beginning of the letter to put in more.

My garden is flourishing. My rose plants are going down because of some invisible insect eating the leave. I really tried hard to find that insect, but simply not able to see it. My lady's finger are good. Got around 10 of them and made curry twice. Really happy.

MashaAllah, there are enough plants now for me to truly happy.


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Definition of a father

Today Aman wanted to see a Panda movie again.
"Which Panda movie?" asks his Achchi.

"The one with Panda's Achchi." Aman answers.
"Which one?" His Achchi asks again feeling sorry for the goose and starting to put Kung fu Panda 3. Amma thinks of the 50 panda faces she is going to see again.

"You know the one in which the panda's achchi gives him a noddle trolley and the panda climbs a lot of stairs with it and the door shuts and he is left outside.... that one"

Aman's Achchi grins happily.

And Aman's Amma  wonders.
The four year old knows the true definition of a father;
the elders have doubted foolishly.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

The stranger in the mirror.

Today a friend from the past called. Just calling her a friend from the past isn't justice to her, She was practically the love of my life for some time and we still are in touch. We talk quite rarely, once a year or so but every time we talk, we TALK.

We talked about our hobbies and she asked me, What about you Rahmath do you find time to paint now? I was taken back for a moment because its been a long time since that aspect had left my life.
And I wondered...

and she asked me ...did I find time to read? and I said sometimes..... and I thought thanks god at least THAT, I have not changed. But thinking a bit more, a nagging doubt comes; is it because my husband is also a voracious reader?

I remembered a gift I got around two years ago when another very close friend of mine came for a visit. She gifted me a book of poems. I was surprised. Very. Why? I wondered to myself. She said giving it. "You used to write so many poems so I thought you would enjoy this."

That time too I wondered...

I had recently gone shopping to buy dress for my brother in law's engagement. Every time I buy a dress for a function, my in law's hypothetical opinion, keeps looming on top of my head. Invariably I always end by buying what I think or hope they would like, rather than something I would actually choose. While I would be complimented, I would always feel as if it was someone else wearing the dress and not actually me.

This time however, by luck, by chance, I could go out with my sister. We selected a pastel green with embroidery and I wore it for her to see. And she loved it. She said it was so me. And I bought it. I doubt I would have bought it otherwise, it may not have got through the filter of my diffidence. It was exactly the type of dress, the color I used to wear when I was just me. Soft, Subtle, Elegant.

Isn't the change so subtle that we don't even realize when it happened? And then suddenly you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.

I saw the amazon advert today on #mombeagirlagain. I wonder... is it being a mother which changed you ? or did the change begin even before that...

Friday, May 5, 2017

Letters to my Diary 05.05.2017

Dear Diary,
Its 10:50 pm. I need to sleep. I have to get up at 5:30 to go to Yoga. I have so much to tell. I have so much to de-clutter. I wish... I wish I had a pensive. I wish I had  a wand and the incantation. I wish I knew magic. I wish I was taught to clear my mind. I guess I do. My wand is my laptop, My incantation are my written words, and you my dear diary are my pensive.

This week was not a good one. I hated Tuesday. I hate that tuesday because we heard that soumya - babitha didi's daughter had passed away in an accident. I hate that Tuesday. It was an irony, that didi who gave a mother's love to so many children was stolen of her daughter. Sometimes, you dont understand why waste a life. You can never understand why god does what he does. It makes absolutely no sense. I am sure there is a reason....  She was a person with so much life. She was an epitome of life. An example of the wonders a strong and happy family can do to a child now a woman now angel. No mother can go past this. She can pretend to move on. I hope she learns to pretend. I wonder if she will start day caring once again. I wonder if she will have the strength to do so.

Atha and amma came on saturday night. Aman has been coming to home after school now. It was fortunate that they were there. And Aman and his grandparents are having a good time. That is a good news.

This week Aman had a play date. He went to the park with his new found friends in the opposite house. hubby took him and went. I was late that day and reached after an hour and a half, for bringing them back from the park- both hubby and him. Aman found a lost dart and showed it excitedly to me. I told him to put it back where he got it as the person who lost it would come searching for it. He didnot want to. His friend( same age) wanted to see the dart and aman shared it with him on my saying and the child took it as his. After that Aman didnot get it. Suddenly the child came running with aman running in front of him.Aman had taken the dart from the child and went and put it down. As the child was crying and Aman has forcibily taken , I gave the dart to the boy and told him the same thing, to keep it back. But he didnot. And he was enjoying the dart Aman had found and given up because I told him to. I know the happiness a child gets when he finds something special. And I took that happiness from him. Aman was soooo sad but he didnot throw a tantrum like his friend. His face fell and he hugged me tight. And I got confused. I thought I did the right thing in teaching Aman not to take things which didt not belong to him. But it was a treasure for him. I did right didnt I ? I think I did but I felt soooo bad. I took him away and searched for another treasure - a fallen champa flower.
I am so proud of my son. and I think I will have to go through so many heart breaks.

I think the reason a mother's heart pains so easily is that it is always raw. Every time her baby hurts, she hurts too... even at imagined slights. I think her heart is always raw and hence everything hurts her so much.

Didi ... Didi... God will give you strength. He has to. That much he owes you.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Of nightmares and reality

Dreams.... Dreams have always been a friend. They normally come to me when I need to know something. I have random dreams as well but they do not feel real. I normally forget them the moment I wake up. But there are some dreams which feel as a communication form the universe. I had a dream around two weeks ago which was intense. Ocean ... an evil presence which I am scared of, Not able to locate my husband, Failing to meet a spiritual leader.... I actually searched for the meanings. Was it a warning or an indication of some kind?
Then today early morning I saw another dream, I had lost my husband for good and that was the worst, worst nightmare I could have had in all eternity. I did have somebody loving and caring in my life , it felt as if I had actually moved on. But then a photo with me and hubby in the same dream opened up a flood and I started crying and crying and praying that please god let this be a dream , let me wake up..... let me wake up.... LET ME WAKE UP. And I woke up.... and realized in fact, it was a dream. But I thanked god so desperately for I felt in that moment that I was in an alternate reality. If this life is the dream then let the dream continue. Death in a dream signifies change in one's life. Change....... what change?

 I got a news of a death as well today ...A sudden death of my teacher's husband.

Today something else happened as well . Today I got out of office and was trying to get an auto in front of a building. I saw a plain dressed man standing very importantly with the guards of the building in cyber city.I didnot bother . One auto came and we were just discussing the fare but this person ran and came to me and shouted at the auto driver and literally bullied him away. And I was left wondering on how I am supposed to get an auto in front of my building. And the way was extremely entitled. It was sheer gundaism. There is no other word for it. And I was scared. This is a very corporate place. But this was very very underground mafia type feeling, not that I know first hand what the feeling is and I dont want to as well, thank you very much. I don't think it was the actual gundaism that bothered me. It was more that all the people around were very OK with it. I think that's what scared me.

I am not politically inclined. I stay away from it. but I feel I no longer can. Sometimes I feel that the fiction is V for Vendetta is on the way to its realization. I wonder....

However, let me end the post with a better reality. Birds have begin to become busy. Sunbirds have come visiting. There is an Ashy prinia who is looking for the perfect place to nest. He even visited our house today morning. We ofcourse told him that the garden outside would be a better place for his missus. Saw two tiny little chillies in the chillie plant. The first yellow rose of the season from the very first rose plant has bloomed today. And I think the tomato plant has flowered. I had planted okra and beans this weekend. Hopefully they germinate soon as well. Stopping here with a hope of more wonderful blogs on my wonderful friends I hope to meet more this summer.....

Friday, March 17, 2017

Thursday, March 16, 2017


-We had Aman's progress review. It was a very nice experience. The didi's told to do activities which will improve his fine motor skills.
-Today S's mama understood that I and hubby knew each other from college. She smiled and said... "ah now I understand. Whenever I see you guys coming you both never feel like a couple. Its more like friends coming. good good. God bless you". I felt so happy hearing that. It was like a warm candle in my heart all throughout the day.
-My line manager told me to make a presentation for my promotion. I got so scared of making my presentation that for one moment I almost did not want it. But then this is a challenge. That's one of the things I like about my company. Its as if they never run out of new things for us to do. I have never done a self promoting presentation before and is totally outside my comfort zone. So I will grow whatever the outcome is. Incidentally I was listening to song "Opportunity" in the movie Annie when this was conveyed to my line manager.
-Aman is feeling under the weather a bit. Need to give him medicine. I cannot wait for the weekend to start.
-I bought stencils for Aman to practice holding the pencil. I also bought foam letters. He does not understand the concept of stencils. But he totally loved sticking the foam letters. The foam letter were a real hit.
-Had a good breakfast of puri and mutta curry and a tasty lunch at school and finished with a great dinner with superb appalams theeyal and cabbage thoran. Thank you lord for our full stomachs and satisfied minds.
-Saw the wedding scene of Prince William and Kate Middleton. It was so sweet. The way she was saying the vows and the way they were looking at each other. Surely they knew the that they were watched critically but at that moment, at very moment it felt as if they both had withdrawn into a beautiful bubble in which no one but only they existed. It was beautiful to watch. I remembered Brother in law's wedding. He was cracking jokes and behaving abominably on the wedding mundap but i could see his nervousness. It was very sweet to see BIL and SIL together that day the the next. Its beautiful to see love....

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Letters to my Diary 14.03.2017

Dear Diary,
I have been waiting to write to you for some time now. Last week was quite eventful with some sad news as well. And I wanted to share it with you. From where shall I start?
Last last friday, Aman had a holiday. N chittappa offered to baby sit him. Its a testimony of how much Aman had grown that we took the offer. I came a bit early that day to find that the current was not there. Something seemed amiss as it rarely went here. That morning while leaving we had a slight skirmish with the owner of the neighbouring house. Note that the owner didnot live there he had given it for rent to a PG. They were clearing up the stuff in front of their house (and ours where they make a point to dump their stuff). I thought they may have cut the wire mistakenly. However it was a deliberate attempt.
I couldnt believe that some one could do that. It was a criminal act and our landowner asked us to file an FIR. But somehow we felt that it would only cause problems for us. For somebody who had no problem doing this ,would our filing an FIR mount to anything? We did not even get angry or upset as it was such a stupid thing to do really. But the trust we had disappeared somehow. In a way its ok. We really love this house that we are staying. It was too good. So maybe this was the black spot. It took around a day for us to establish a new connection and ofcourse we shelled out the money. However as it was winter transition, the climate was really good and we didnot suffer that much.

Sunday however another news was to come. B ammooma had passed away. Now you know dairy that particular family is pretty special to me. Especially B ammooma. I remembered her comforting presence during my marraige. I remember her looking at me and saying." Simple and Elegant, Kollam" . She was very kind and her loss..... However she had had a great life. But everytime I saw V appoopa .... Their family is kindness epitome and its a privilege to know Appoopa and Ammooma not to say of T mama and S appachi. 

We went to Trivandrum and came. I don't think anybody expected me and aman to go as well. But there are somtimes when one should not think , just do . This was one of those times.

I also realized that I had grown up. I think when we grow up we can compartmentalize things. At one moment I was crying brokenheartedly. At another I was smiling and talking to relatives I had met after a long long time.  And both the feelings were genuine. I remembered a time when I would be consumed by my emotions. If I was sad I was eternally sad.If I was happy I was extremely happy. But now has come a time when I seem to meet happiness and sadness with almost the same feelings, like that sentence in Rudyard Kipling's If.I guess somewhere in the last five years, I had grown up.

But I miss my passionate nature. It must be there somewhere inside me still.... I am sure.

Aman is growing up so fast diary. We played holi this time. Hubby had bought some natural colours. But we played more with water. Aman played like anything with water. He was also joined by two of the neighboring boys. Ofcourse it resulted in him getting a huge nose block. But I guess thats ok. A child has to enjoy the times he has to enjoy rt?

He makes such wonderful hings with his Lego. That's his favorite toy now. I am amazed at his creativity. He always asks us to buy the balloons with the stick. he plays very little with the balloons per se. However the sticks are extremely  valuable for him. He makes cranes and tow trucks. One of his first lego duplo was the ice cream truck given by S appachchi. However he rarely uses it as an icecream truck. He has converted to to tow truck and a heavy duty crane using the above mentioned balloon sticks. I almost wanted to buy him the crane lego but hubby resisted as aman was creating whatever he wanted with his available legos. I see them and I agree.

Aman may not paint or draw like his father or mother. He is not inclined to the finearts. But he shows an aptitude to building and mechanics. And there he creates.

He is not yet four so I have not bothered to sit and teach him anything. But I guess its time for me to invest time in his A B Cs. Not much ofcourse, just a teensy weensy bit. He loves singing itsy bitsy spider. His favourite used to be wheels on the bus goes round and round.... But he still likes it.

I think its become a long enough letter. Tomorrow is Aman's last day in playgroup. I think he is going to KG this march end. There is two weeks holiday. Unfortunately Aman may have to go to daycare. I hate going to office these days when Aman has holidays. I believe children should enjoy during their holidays. Maybe when he is slightly older he will like to go to his grandparents. I wish, I wish I had a job where I could take offs whenever he had. But I should be glad my office is comparatively better than so many others.

I will stop now...
lots of love

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

A Dish of dashes

- SIL sent a pic with a cute little child hugging a fish(out of water) with lots of love with the caption "Otherwise it would have drowned". Sarcasm overloaded. I found it tremendously funny because it reminded me of something else. I wonder if the simile hit her or not. I am not going to ask. Second (future) SIL has not contacted me at all.hmmmm. Well different people are different. Anyhow I am happy SIL whatzapps me. I am really bad in certain things
-Today Aman was supposed to take his tricycle to school. We had not seen that note. Children feel very bad when this happens and I know Aman felt too. However we told Aman that we would bring his cycle after leaving him at school before going to office. And his first response was "But amma or achchi late ho gajaya". Swoon!!!!!. I was so floored by his consideration. Obviously we said his cycle was more important than our being late. But I was so happy.
- I was going to type that it was not a good day but I think it was. So I wont write that. Today I could share my knowledge on what I know abut designing the deck slab using IRC code with a collegue. Thats the only aspect of my job that I like now and the fact that some money gets deposited every month which makes my life easier.
I don't think I will ever get much money made simply because I think everything needs respect. Unless you desperately need something you will not get it. If somebody tells you " I am happy you are my friend and that you call everyday, but I have the same lukewarm feeling I have for that other friend who calls me once a month" tell me, would you still feel like calling this person every day? 

 NO. you wouldn't. 

I think everything in this world follows the same principle. I don't think I will ever get rich or as successful in job as some people because these things are not the primary goal of my life. The primary goal of my life is to spend time with the people I love, to read some books, to do a bit of gardening, eat well and so on... I love to succeed, But I won't stay in office till 10 in the night everyday. I simply won't. And obliviously that will reflect in my paycheck. I don't believe in an utopian career world where people can go beyond these aspects of doing the job and judge you fairly by the amount of work you do. Unfortunately I don't anymore.
- Some of the fan fictions are really good. I am reading another Scorose one. This is more of the general category, at least till now. There is so explicit explanations on how they are doing it. (Frankly speaking it simply does not feel right in these books. OK I am a prude). So I am enjoying reading it. However there is one small problem. Every time I put down my phone for some reason and I come back I start searching for the book I was reading and then realize , hey I was reading it from my phone!!!!!!

And one more thing..... A book never says "Battery finished...Power Off".  I will always be a loyal Book(er)?
- So My son is sleeping and he has not had dinner . Hubby has made a sandwich. When Aman wakes up we will give him .Hopefully he will eat it and fall asleep once again. My sweetheart is such a cute handsome little boy. My older sweetheart is a handsome one too :). Going to sleep now tata....



Sunday, February 26, 2017

Hum Tum

Yesterday we watched the 2004 movie Hum Tum in amazon prime. I remembered that it was a game changing movie in Bollywood with a very modern heroine. When I say modern it does not mean mini skirts and standing up for herself in a brash way. I mean modern in the sense that she slaps the hero when he is a jerk (kisses her in the first day they meet simply to make her stop talking) instead of blushing and falling in love with him that very second. She does not go about as if her honor is lost as well. She asks very strong questions on the status of unmarried women and refuses to marry the hero when he wants the same because he was feeling guilty of crossing some lines.

I mean modern in that sense.

I always thought this was a fun movie a decade ago but I had not seen it since. But yesterday I was assured that this definitely was a movie ahead of its time. Its been 13 years and it is only now that such topics have come in the normal media, in ads and documentaries. Its been 13 years and women and men have started asking the same questions asked by the heroine.

Should I feel sad that we are only in the stage where we have started asking questions or should I be glad that the change is surely coming.....

Movies are meant for entertainment, I agree....
But movies are arts, though which the artist can influence so many people...

So today... I will be glad...

Friday, February 24, 2017

Thankyou Apello

Recently my sister in law, reintroduced me to pinterest. Browsing one topic after another led me to the fan art of Scorpius Malfoy and Rose Weasley. I am sure I neednot say who they are but just in case you do not know, they are the children of Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley. The fan arts were intense and they led me to the fan fictions. I normally do not read fan fiction simply because they don't gel very well with me. I like one strain of story telling and one author's style of telling it. However in this particular case my sensitivities were not hurt that much because it dealt with two people whose chemistry was not really explored anywhere. I was lucky enough to find a really well written one "Roses are red".

I found it very interesting. Infact the previous statement would be an understatement. I am no longer sixteen but remembered that age. (though I must say I never ever did ANYTHING remotely near the happenings of the book.) However it was more like the old M&B. Brooding and intense young men and sweet young women.

I completed the 47 chapters in one go, however I must add I did skip some portions which were never interesting to me even in the original books, say Quidditch. Ya kill me, I find sports boring even if they were in the magical world unless I am on top of the broom chasing the golden snitch.

But do you know the problem with fan fiction? The author has no compulsion to finish the story. I was lucky I got it so late , so I had a very good continuity up to the very end. But the author has not written from October 2016. The plot is in a climatic situation aka,(*Spoiler alert*) the heroine is caught by horrible horrible Death Eaters (who still exist by the way) and is desperately waiting for the hero Scorpius, her father Ron and Uncle Harry to come rescue her. Do they reach her in time? Does the family finally accept their love????

No freaking idea.

The author seems to love cliches. As long as nothing tragic has happened to him/her to make him/her sadistic I am quite positive that all will end well. But how and when ???!!! We will have to wait.....

But thank you Apello for making me addicted to Fan fiction.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Decluttering thoughts

Today Aman did not have school. So I took leave from office to give him company. We try as far as possible not to send him to daycare when he has these onsies. He has a holiday tomorrow also. However hubby also has a holiday so its ok. I allowed him to see a lot of videos today. I suspect his father will also allow him tomorrow. However this week end we should plan such that he is not addicted to the ipad. I realized even though he counts, he does not know the numbers when he sees them. I wonder if that's ok for an almost four year old. I wonder if I should start taking the effort to teach him contrary to my original plan of not bothering him about all these things until he finishes kg. you know, just do his work in school (if any). Lets see.

Hubby comes late from office nowadays and so do I . Its difficult when there is no continuity . Your routine breaks. My child hood was very organized. My father would always come at 6:15. we always had food by 9 or 9:30. We always slept by 10:00. There  is a comfort in that kind of discipline. I don't think Aman has that. And I envy parents who can establish that kind of a system. Somehow I doubt if we can.

I wanted to mend my relationships with someone this year. But somehow I am not able to. There is too much bitterness and too much of lack of trust. People wonder at my strictness. But they don't see that its extreme fear that makes me strict. I am so afraid of giving levy and then regretting it. I know that person is hurt sometimes and I try. And then that person says something inappropriate and ....... well, downhill my effort goes.

Office is going ok I guess. But its not a place where my qualities can be put in use. Lets see how things work out this year.

My garden is doing good by gods grace. Some seedlings have come. I need to put some paalak seeds as well. I am extremely reluctant to harvest my moolis . I have no idea why. Hopefully my capsicum and chillie seedlings will grow strong and well. Need to buy some more pots. Maybe this week end.

Just got  a call from a hr recruitment company asking if I am looking for a job change. Suddenly there is an influx of these calls. I guess this is the time when people recruit. Feb and March. Just before the increments in office.

I never thought house work to be tiresome. But somehow in this house I am more than normal lazy. But its a wonderful house. Last weekend I was watering the plants and it almost felt like I was in my maternal home. We went to buy some plants and my eyes automatically wandered to the plants which we had in my childhood home. They were costly. And I thought - ''my god these were weeds in our house''. I simply couldn't shell out money for them. I think that was a mistake. The pleasure they give me is tremendous. I remember stories associated with the plants. Fathima akka was the one who brought home the plants. She somehow used to get it from her friends and their mothers. She must have been a marvel because I know sometimes people can be extremely possessive about these plants. Memories and comfort reside in these plants. I should have bought them. I will.
I saw two bees in my garden today and I felt happy.

Salina didi , my cook has come and she is cooking the food. I find it a luxury that I can type when she is cooking. This is actually a luxury because aman is  watching videos today. We get along pretty well and she tells me stories of her home. Sometimes we keep talking and Aman does not like that very much if I an he are alone in the house. He says to didi that if she talks while working, things will fall down. So one should not talk when one is working. That's a clue for me to follow him and do what he wants me to do. And I am happy to do it. However today he is addicted to vedios and I am not in a place to wean him from it.

His chitpa, my youngest brother in law, who is studying here is coming for dinner. So maybe then aman will come out of the Ipad. But the videos he sees are so cute. Have you heard of the song"Have you ever seen a tail? a tail? a pig's tail?" Its a cute one.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

5 Random Things

- This is the third time I am starting to write. I have understood I will never have enough time to write a proper paragraph let alone an article. Waiting for it will result in never writing at all. So I guess we will simply have to have a random post blog till I get some quality time.

- Took a leave today. I was feeling very exhausted and tired and depressed. The days I feel depressed in work seems to be more than the days I feel happy. Anyhow the only way I know how to counter this feeling is by cleaning. I did not want to lie down. I have seen that lying down only exhausts me further. I really want to go to office tomorrow rejuvenated. I spent about 2 hours cleaning our room. But somehow I was not at all satisfied and was wondering why. After a bit of pondering I realized I feel as if I have cleaned only when I remove boxes from the house ....literally. I have packed three boxes of clothes since 6 months. Have not given it to Goonj. Hopefully I will do it this week end.

-Hubby has bought a second hand book through amazon. He became quite amused when he realized that it had come all the way from Kerala. And While I was typing I realized that my spelling and grammar had become abysmal. So I have decided to make the corrections in spelling manually. Hopefully it will undo the damage done by blindly using spell prompts. As far as grammar is concerned, I will do it in the next stage.

-Roses have bloomed in our garden and its looking really pretty. Ain't it pretty?

 Doing things for Aman are obviously easy for me however there was one thing which was a bit hard. Normally when I feel blue I just buy some cosmos and keep them in the vase. I feel very happy when I see them. I used to have flowers on my study table when I was at my parents. However once Aman was born and after two three times we realized that every time we had those flowers Aman got into a coughing spell. Maybe it was some kind of an allergy. So I stopped keeping flowers in vases. It's been  2 -2.5years now and I wondered if I could start having flowers inside the house once again.  I wondered if I should try some other flowers like lilies or some ornamental flowers even though cosmos are my favorite. However today while I was watering the plants, I suddenly got an idea that I could just keep a bunch of mustard flowers. Aman had not had any allergic reaction to them till now so I am hoping it will be ok. It is a happy flower. The  yellow is a very happy yellow.

-We also harvested our first batch of radishes this weekend and it felt so awesome to eat it. Don't they look fresh? Have planted the tomato saplings. I have planted some seeds for okra, beans, capsicums and red spinach. Lets see how they all turn out. Keeping my fingers crossed. I went through some composting videos and got inspired. But I did not go through the exact procedure. Just put some vegetable waste in a pot like I normally do. Once its a bit dry, I will just add some soil on top.It normally works well for me. It may not have the texture of compost but acts as a good nutrient booster. Maybe I will add some dry leaves as well this time.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Excuse & Accept

"If it is important to you you will find a way.
If not you will find an excuse"

True is it not?

The best thing to overcoming a weakness is to be aware of it. And the best part is being aware ;Peace of mind.

I stayed in my first company for 5 years. We were four friends in the same level. By the third year three of us had started becoming frustrated. We were hearing stories of other colleagues jumping companies every year with a good hike. Our own salary and work experience seemed very less in comparison.

And you know, when you start feeling dissatisfied , it corrupts every happiness that comes you way. Fortunately I had a epiphany one day. I felt that if I was that unsatisfied, I should change things. And if I am not changing things, it simply means I AM infact quite happy and satisfied with the situation and I am complaining in vain. For me not changing was something which was comfortable and it was more important for me that getting more money. And when I realized that, my dissatisfaction vanished. And that was a lesson for me.

So nowadays, when I am really dissatisfied, I just decide to change. And if I don't take a concrete effort in that step, I understand that I don't need it right now. And this has helped me be more pro active even if it sounds contradictory.

Ofcourse there may be times when you just plain damn lazy. even in that case, once you accept that you are actually LAZY, you can actually try to change things. Atleast you can have a game plan. If you are aware it helps.

For example I am trying to lose weight. And from the moment I made the resolution for some reason or the other I have been procrastinating doing anything about it. I keep talking about it (which is positive by the way). But I don't do anything about it. It was eating me from the inside and I had started putting me down for not having the will power to stick to the decision. Finally one day I decided that I am going to accept that I am not willing to do anything about it and I am just going to note the excuse I have everyday for not taking care of my health.

And this helped.


There is no extra pressure. You have accepted that you are simply finding excuse. And that's fine.
Alt east you are not pulling myself down. And then maybe someday you can start looking a bit above and then start climbing up???

Maybe when your body and mind become friends they just start working together. Like the mind says , come lets wake up a bit earlier... the body says" ya sure" instead of "no way dude"

Maybe when the body says "lets be vegetarian today" the mind says "Ok I will help you" instead of "I WANT CHICKEN"

Whether this approach works on not, we will see by Dec 2017, i.e if you remember to remind me...

Saturday, January 21, 2017

On comfort zones

"You must do the things you think you cannot do" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

For the last six months or so my interest has been shifted from fictional books to self help books. The only motivational book I have been interested in for the last 15 years was
"How to win friends and influence people." However the trend has changed. I still cannot read books like Shiv khera , I cannot read books which say how to be a winner or so. However small books on happiness and being satisfied and changing the negative thoughts in mind fit my bill.

Around two months back on my trip to the Om book house ( which is not an exclusive trip but a part of my boy's fun time in the mall) i was wondering if I will ever find any book.Then, my eyes fell on "follow your heart". It was a medium sized book with small illustrations at every page along with nuggets of wisdom expertly hidden in small anecdotes written by a Andrew Mathews.

As this post is not a book review post, I wont go into it but if you trust me, go ahead, buy it.... its a good read. I highly recommend it.

One of the things in the book which caught my imagination was "only by going out of your comfort zone shall you grow". I found this particular piece of wisdom very catching.

My present office is a fine one. This year I have been given additional responsibilities as well. However this will require me to change how I act upon some of my actual beliefs. And some times I feel some kind of a suffocation. I think it must be because it is bigger than what I am used to or I find it difficult to do things which I normally don't do. I love teaching and I teach at every instant however do I make presentations and give training to all the offices all over the world? I don't.

I feel that success in any field nowadays is about visibility. It doesn't matter that you work well and hard. You have to sell it as well. You have to sell yourself as well. And sometimes I wonder if we use up a percentage of our energy or effort in selling whereas this effort should be used in the actual work. Hence I automatically think of it as a wastage. And when you think in that way it does not help and I have to make a conscious effort to change that thinking.

Putting yourself in the limelight is extremely important. In one way you are doing it for your company and that's great because you are your company's brand ambassador. So it makes perfect sense to go and do it. But your whole life you are grilled that you shouldn't blow your own trumpet, never say what good you have done , to blend in completely, and all these training makes it so difficult to put yourself out there. Interestingly I have no problem being in the limelight as far as I don't know I am there. But if it is a conscious thing then I feel inhibited.

And I wonder if this going past my comfort zone will help me grow,

I am pretty sure it will....
However sometimes I wonder....
Do I want to grow in this way at all?
Is  any growth always good?
My logic says it should be.
My heart says anything that happens will be a lesson learnt which is good.

Keeping my fingers crossed but must say  even thinking of getting out of my comfort zone is mighty uncomfortable.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Book Review - Mrs Funny Bones

Mrs FunnybonesMrs Funnybones by Twinkle Khanna
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I had read a column of Twinkle Khanna in a newspaper sometime ago and I was thought she wrote really well. Well I underestimated her,

I have never laughed so hard. In the recent years there are lot of Indian authors who have come out with their versions of being a married Indian woman. So really what was new? or so I thought, but the extreme comical twist given to every single incident made every chapter hilarious. It didnot matter that she was Twinkle Khanna or Akshay kumar's wife or Dimple Kapadia's daughter. She could be just you or me. The celebrity aspect was just like a bit of pepper sprinkled on top of a delicious sweet corn chicken soup.

There were times when I did feel that whether you are clever or intelligent or rich or a celebrity , in some things there seems to be no difference at all. She still is the sole parent who changes diapers, her son complains to a husband who promptly admolishes her (I would have kicked my hubby in a similar situation, which I am pretty sure she would have too if he was there in person), goes for household shopping and works while the husband lounges.(ok maybe here I am a bit prejudiced).

But ofcourse the whole deal cannot be written in a single book. And if we wanted the husband's point of view, then maybe he should write a book huh ;)
Hopefully there will soon be a Mrs Funnybones 2.

View all my reviews

Sunday, January 1, 2017

In this Year ....Just for this year.... I resolve

1) To follow the principles  I learned from my teacher from the Sivananda Yoga Center to better my health and to come to a healthy weight of 62 kilos from my present 68 which post the WLP I am pretty confident I can. Reduce one kilo every month for the first 6 months. Maintain the weight loss the second half of the year.

2) To start blogging once again by getting motivated from Indiblogger. Also resolve to have only one dear diary posts for every 10 other posts.

3) To connect to people and be ok if they don't initiate or appreciate the connection.

4) To hear insults,abuse and in-sensibilities yet not receive it.

5) To give love and respect to people who have given so much in the past and continue to do so even now.

6) To not say anything negative about anyone or anything to anyone apart from hubby despite the fact that people may assume things which may be unpalatable to me. But for this year I resolve.

7) To love or not expect to be loved in return.