Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Of nightmares and reality

Dreams.... Dreams have always been a friend. They normally come to me when I need to know something. I have random dreams as well but they do not feel real. I normally forget them the moment I wake up. But there are some dreams which feel as a communication form the universe. I had a dream around two weeks ago which was intense. Ocean ... an evil presence which I am scared of, Not able to locate my husband, Failing to meet a spiritual leader.... I actually searched for the meanings. Was it a warning or an indication of some kind?
Then today early morning I saw another dream, I had lost my husband for good and that was the worst, worst nightmare I could have had in all eternity. I did have somebody loving and caring in my life , it felt as if I had actually moved on. But then a photo with me and hubby in the same dream opened up a flood and I started crying and crying and praying that please god let this be a dream , let me wake up..... let me wake up.... LET ME WAKE UP. And I woke up.... and realized in fact, it was a dream. But I thanked god so desperately for I felt in that moment that I was in an alternate reality. If this life is the dream then let the dream continue. Death in a dream signifies change in one's life. Change....... what change?

 I got a news of a death as well today ...A sudden death of my teacher's husband.

Today something else happened as well . Today I got out of office and was trying to get an auto in front of a building. I saw a plain dressed man standing very importantly with the guards of the building in cyber city.I didnot bother . One auto came and we were just discussing the fare but this person ran and came to me and shouted at the auto driver and literally bullied him away. And I was left wondering on how I am supposed to get an auto in front of my building. And the way was extremely entitled. It was sheer gundaism. There is no other word for it. And I was scared. This is a very corporate place. But this was very very underground mafia type feeling, not that I know first hand what the feeling is and I dont want to as well, thank you very much. I don't think it was the actual gundaism that bothered me. It was more that all the people around were very OK with it. I think that's what scared me.

I am not politically inclined. I stay away from it. but I feel I no longer can. Sometimes I feel that the fiction is V for Vendetta is on the way to its realization. I wonder....

However, let me end the post with a better reality. Birds have begin to become busy. Sunbirds have come visiting. There is an Ashy prinia who is looking for the perfect place to nest. He even visited our house today morning. We ofcourse told him that the garden outside would be a better place for his missus. Saw two tiny little chillies in the chillie plant. The first yellow rose of the season from the very first rose plant has bloomed today. And I think the tomato plant has flowered. I had planted okra and beans this weekend. Hopefully they germinate soon as well. Stopping here with a hope of more wonderful blogs on my wonderful friends I hope to meet more this summer.....

Friday, March 17, 2017

Thursday, March 16, 2017


-We had Aman's progress review. It was a very nice experience. The didi's told to do activities which will improve his fine motor skills.
-Today S's mama understood that I and hubby knew each other from college. She smiled and said... "ah now I understand. Whenever I see you guys coming you both never feel like a couple. Its more like friends coming. good good. God bless you". I felt so happy hearing that. It was like a warm candle in my heart all throughout the day.
-My line manager told me to make a presentation for my promotion. I got so scared of making my presentation that for one moment I almost did not want it. But then this is a challenge. That's one of the things I like about my company. Its as if they never run out of new things for us to do. I have never done a self promoting presentation before and is totally outside my comfort zone. So I will grow whatever the outcome is. Incidentally I was listening to song "Opportunity" in the movie Annie when this was conveyed to my line manager.
-Aman is feeling under the weather a bit. Need to give him medicine. I cannot wait for the weekend to start.
-I bought stencils for Aman to practice holding the pencil. I also bought foam letters. He does not understand the concept of stencils. But he totally loved sticking the foam letters. The foam letter were a real hit.
-Had a good breakfast of puri and mutta curry and a tasty lunch at school and finished with a great dinner with superb appalams theeyal and cabbage thoran. Thank you lord for our full stomachs and satisfied minds.
-Saw the wedding scene of Prince William and Kate Middleton. It was so sweet. The way she was saying the vows and the way they were looking at each other. Surely they knew the that they were watched critically but at that moment, at very moment it felt as if they both had withdrawn into a beautiful bubble in which no one but only they existed. It was beautiful to watch. I remembered Brother in law's wedding. He was cracking jokes and behaving abominably on the wedding mundap but i could see his nervousness. It was very sweet to see BIL and SIL together that day the the next. Its beautiful to see love....

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Letters to my Diary 14.03.2017

Dear Diary,
I have been waiting to write to you for some time now. Last week was quite eventful with some sad news as well. And I wanted to share it with you. From where shall I start?
Last last friday, Aman had a holiday. N chittappa offered to baby sit him. Its a testimony of how much Aman had grown that we took the offer. I came a bit early that day to find that the current was not there. Something seemed amiss as it rarely went here. That morning while leaving we had a slight skirmish with the owner of the neighbouring house. Note that the owner didnot live there he had given it for rent to a PG. They were clearing up the stuff in front of their house (and ours where they make a point to dump their stuff). I thought they may have cut the wire mistakenly. However it was a deliberate attempt.
I couldnt believe that some one could do that. It was a criminal act and our landowner asked us to file an FIR. But somehow we felt that it would only cause problems for us. For somebody who had no problem doing this ,would our filing an FIR mount to anything? We did not even get angry or upset as it was such a stupid thing to do really. But the trust we had disappeared somehow. In a way its ok. We really love this house that we are staying. It was too good. So maybe this was the black spot. It took around a day for us to establish a new connection and ofcourse we shelled out the money. However as it was winter transition, the climate was really good and we didnot suffer that much.

Sunday however another news was to come. B ammooma had passed away. Now you know dairy that particular family is pretty special to me. Especially B ammooma. I remembered her comforting presence during my marraige. I remember her looking at me and saying." Simple and Elegant, Kollam" . She was very kind and her loss..... However she had had a great life. But everytime I saw V appoopa .... Their family is kindness epitome and its a privilege to know Appoopa and Ammooma not to say of T mama and S appachi. 

We went to Trivandrum and came. I don't think anybody expected me and aman to go as well. But there are somtimes when one should not think , just do . This was one of those times.

I also realized that I had grown up. I think when we grow up we can compartmentalize things. At one moment I was crying brokenheartedly. At another I was smiling and talking to relatives I had met after a long long time.  And both the feelings were genuine. I remembered a time when I would be consumed by my emotions. If I was sad I was eternally sad.If I was happy I was extremely happy. But now has come a time when I seem to meet happiness and sadness with almost the same feelings, like that sentence in Rudyard Kipling's If.I guess somewhere in the last five years, I had grown up.

But I miss my passionate nature. It must be there somewhere inside me still.... I am sure.

Aman is growing up so fast diary. We played holi this time. Hubby had bought some natural colours. But we played more with water. Aman played like anything with water. He was also joined by two of the neighboring boys. Ofcourse it resulted in him getting a huge nose block. But I guess thats ok. A child has to enjoy the times he has to enjoy rt?

He makes such wonderful hings with his Lego. That's his favorite toy now. I am amazed at his creativity. He always asks us to buy the balloons with the stick. he plays very little with the balloons per se. However the sticks are extremely  valuable for him. He makes cranes and tow trucks. One of his first lego duplo was the ice cream truck given by S appachchi. However he rarely uses it as an icecream truck. He has converted to to tow truck and a heavy duty crane using the above mentioned balloon sticks. I almost wanted to buy him the crane lego but hubby resisted as aman was creating whatever he wanted with his available legos. I see them and I agree.

Aman may not paint or draw like his father or mother. He is not inclined to the finearts. But he shows an aptitude to building and mechanics. And there he creates.

He is not yet four so I have not bothered to sit and teach him anything. But I guess its time for me to invest time in his A B Cs. Not much ofcourse, just a teensy weensy bit. He loves singing itsy bitsy spider. His favourite used to be wheels on the bus goes round and round.... But he still likes it.

I think its become a long enough letter. Tomorrow is Aman's last day in playgroup. I think he is going to KG this march end. There is two weeks holiday. Unfortunately Aman may have to go to daycare. I hate going to office these days when Aman has holidays. I believe children should enjoy during their holidays. Maybe when he is slightly older he will like to go to his grandparents. I wish, I wish I had a job where I could take offs whenever he had. But I should be glad my office is comparatively better than so many others.

I will stop now...
lots of love