Friday, May 5, 2017

Letters to my Diary 05.05.2017

Dear Diary,
Its 10:50 pm. I need to sleep. I have to get up at 5:30 to go to Yoga. I have so much to tell. I have so much to de-clutter. I wish... I wish I had a pensive. I wish I had  a wand and the incantation. I wish I knew magic. I wish I was taught to clear my mind. I guess I do. My wand is my laptop, My incantation are my written words, and you my dear diary are my pensive.

This week was not a good one. I hated Tuesday. I hate that tuesday because we heard that soumya - babitha didi's daughter had passed away in an accident. I hate that Tuesday. It was an irony, that didi who gave a mother's love to so many children was stolen of her daughter. Sometimes, you dont understand why waste a life. You can never understand why god does what he does. It makes absolutely no sense. I am sure there is a reason....  She was a person with so much life. She was an epitome of life. An example of the wonders a strong and happy family can do to a child now a woman now angel. No mother can go past this. She can pretend to move on. I hope she learns to pretend. I wonder if she will start day caring once again. I wonder if she will have the strength to do so.

Atha and amma came on saturday night. Aman has been coming to home after school now. It was fortunate that they were there. And Aman and his grandparents are having a good time. That is a good news.

This week Aman had a play date. He went to the park with his new found friends in the opposite house. hubby took him and went. I was late that day and reached after an hour and a half, for bringing them back from the park- both hubby and him. Aman found a lost dart and showed it excitedly to me. I told him to put it back where he got it as the person who lost it would come searching for it. He didnot want to. His friend( same age) wanted to see the dart and aman shared it with him on my saying and the child took it as his. After that Aman didnot get it. Suddenly the child came running with aman running in front of him.Aman had taken the dart from the child and went and put it down. As the child was crying and Aman has forcibily taken , I gave the dart to the boy and told him the same thing, to keep it back. But he didnot. And he was enjoying the dart Aman had found and given up because I told him to. I know the happiness a child gets when he finds something special. And I took that happiness from him. Aman was soooo sad but he didnot throw a tantrum like his friend. His face fell and he hugged me tight. And I got confused. I thought I did the right thing in teaching Aman not to take things which didt not belong to him. But it was a treasure for him. I did right didnt I ? I think I did but I felt soooo bad. I took him away and searched for another treasure - a fallen champa flower.
I am so proud of my son. and I think I will have to go through so many heart breaks.

I think the reason a mother's heart pains so easily is that it is always raw. Every time her baby hurts, she hurts too... even at imagined slights. I think her heart is always raw and hence everything hurts her so much.

Didi ... Didi... God will give you strength. He has to. That much he owes you.