Thursday, July 27, 2017

Letters to my Diary 27.07.2017

Dear Diary,
I am feeling very disturbed today. I think its because there is a small warning in my sub conscious mind. Today the guy who owns our neighborhood house was sitting outside. They are renovating that house. It was he who ordered his servant to cut of our electricity. Apparently he is going to move in now. To have such criminal people near us is not a happy prospective to me. We don''t have any kind of words with this man or anyone remotely connected to him. However, i cannot keep the extreme anger I feel away from my face. They are bullies and they like it when people are afraid of them. I don't like living like that. He may not do anything but he was looking at me when I went and came back from calling Aman. And he sits right outside our house so its difficult not to look at him. And somewhere I am worried.

We have extended our house agreement for one more year. The house is really good and I am extremely happy with it. Really there seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with it now. The lack of storage space has infact helped my reduce stuff and I feel so relieved. I just remove stuff as much as possible. Its not that we have become minimilistic. However, things are reducing. I can see. So much more to do. But the habit is slowly being established. I did buy 3 dresses but they were more for specific purposes and I hope to continue the trend for not buying dresses this year unless extremely required.Hubby is getting on board too. Need to bring Aman in too.

Office is going on. I am not sure how so wont comment on it. Anyhow there is enough doom in the beginning of the letter to put in more.

My garden is flourishing. My rose plants are going down because of some invisible insect eating the leave. I really tried hard to find that insect, but simply not able to see it. My lady's finger are good. Got around 10 of them and made curry twice. Really happy.

MashaAllah, there are enough plants now for me to truly happy.


Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Definition of a father

Today Aman wanted to see a Panda movie again.
"Which Panda movie?" asks his Achchi.

"The one with Panda's Achchi." Aman answers.
"Which one?" His Achchi asks again feeling sorry for the goose and starting to put Kung fu Panda 3. Amma thinks of the 50 panda faces she is going to see again.

"You know the one in which the panda's achchi gives him a noddle trolley and the panda climbs a lot of stairs with it and the door shuts and he is left outside.... that one"

Aman's Achchi grins happily.

And Aman's Amma  wonders.
The four year old knows the true definition of a father;
the elders have doubted foolishly.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

The stranger in the mirror.

Today a friend from the past called. Just calling her a friend from the past isn't justice to her, She was practically the love of my life for some time and we still are in touch. We talk quite rarely, once a year or so but every time we talk, we TALK.

We talked about our hobbies and she asked me, What about you Rahmath do you find time to paint now? I was taken back for a moment because its been a long time since that aspect had left my life.
And I wondered...

and she asked me ...did I find time to read? and I said sometimes..... and I thought thanks god at least THAT, I have not changed. But thinking a bit more, a nagging doubt comes; is it because my husband is also a voracious reader?

I remembered a gift I got around two years ago when another very close friend of mine came for a visit. She gifted me a book of poems. I was surprised. Very. Why? I wondered to myself. She said giving it. "You used to write so many poems so I thought you would enjoy this."

That time too I wondered...

I had recently gone shopping to buy dress for my brother in law's engagement. Every time I buy a dress for a function, my in law's hypothetical opinion, keeps looming on top of my head. Invariably I always end by buying what I think or hope they would like, rather than something I would actually choose. While I would be complimented, I would always feel as if it was someone else wearing the dress and not actually me.

This time however, by luck, by chance, I could go out with my sister. We selected a pastel green with embroidery and I wore it for her to see. And she loved it. She said it was so me. And I bought it. I doubt I would have bought it otherwise, it may not have got through the filter of my diffidence. It was exactly the type of dress, the color I used to wear when I was just me. Soft, Subtle, Elegant.

Isn't the change so subtle that we don't even realize when it happened? And then suddenly you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back at you.

I saw the amazon advert today on #mombeagirlagain. I wonder... is it being a mother which changed you ? or did the change begin even before that...