Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Random thoughts

-I hope atleast today I  am able to post something as Aman is watching video, I don't have much house work and hubby is late from office.So maybe , just maybe, I may be able to put down some thoughts after all. I thought I will write under the title "De-cluttering thoughts" but somehow , what I want to say is not for the De-cluttering process. Its more scrap book material. So changed the title.

-Aman has started asking questions about deaths . It was inevitable seeing someone very close to him passed away this May. He suddenly asked me where did batman's parents go?. I replied that a bad uncle killed them. I decided to tell the truth rather than lie. He asked me where and when. I replied dutifully. He asked me if they were in the hospital. I told they they had become "pari" or angels. He said " pari tho meri achchi friend hain. Woh tho babitha didi ke yahan hoti hain"
and thankfully the conversation ended there when he decided he would rather see youtube videos than ponder over the mysteries of life and death.

- It is my greatest fear that I or hubby or both will die and leave Aman an orphan. I think children deserve love from their parents. I think its their birthright. Please ya Allah , bless us that we are always able to be there for Aman atleast until he becomes a man and finds someone who loves him even more than we do.

- I have realized the value of our life depends so much on how much people love us. When I was a kid, the thought of my death did not scare me much. It did not even occur to me. However I was crazily afraid of my parents dying or leaving me. My life had no value for me. When I was around 15, one of elder sister's classmate died and she told of how his parents were devastated. I didn't want my parents to go through that hurt and my life began to have some value. I got married and initially I thought even if I leave the earth my husband would definitely find love again, but as the years passed , I realized that there was no one who could see him the way I did and if I left, a part of him would die too. The value of my life increased a bit more. Now I have a son and I pray to god to keep both me and hubby safe as our life has been even more valuable. And I have realized the ultimate truth. Our life is only as valuable as the love we are capable to feel and share.

-I think my present company has finally thought me how to have work life balance. I always pride myself that I am good in planning and am quite efficient in my work. I made sure through my capabilities to always finish my work in time and leave for home. Ofcourse, when project submissions were there, it was different. However, recently, I was beginning to feel that all that I prided may infact be the the road to my down fall. I was somehow always pushed aside when good projects came. (All work is good ofcourse ,I mean prestigious ones.) I understood that ultimately, it seems, a good resource is only one who stays late. It does not matter if I finish my work in time. I should be a good team player and take more work and stay late. So you see, it does not matter at all. All this efficiency talk seems to be on paper. Perceptions are hard to fight and I am beginning to feel bogged down. It bothered me for a while but then I did something. I just changed the definition of my success. I decided for me having a good life was success. For me , coming home to my son a the right time was success. So I have decided to let go of my perceived office snubs. Projects will come if they have to come. And I am happier for it.

- I guess that's enough thoughts for today. I feel like writing but I have no thoughts left. Hubby just reached . Perfect.